Penguin For Christ

thursday (spectrum)

2011-03-31T22:53:00.005+08:00

(personally editing myself, again I must remind anyone reading this that I have no theological training, no deep study into the teachings of scholars and theologians who have come before me. I'm an 18 year old teenager who has ideas. So do take whatever's here with a pinch of salt.)

The other evening I was reading C. S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain (and no, there are no sections on EE/TOK/IA, though one might easily be able to extend 'suffering' to include any aspect of IB), and was struck by one particular rumination about the type of experience one would undergo in Heaven. In particular, one section which I will here first quote verbatim, and further expound on later.

... Surely, that each of the redeemed shall forever know and praise one aspect of the Divine beauty better than any other creature can. Why else were individuals created, but that God, loving infinitely, should love differently? And this difference, so far from impairing, floods with meaning the love of all blessed creatures for one another, the communion of the saints. If all experienced God in the same way and returned to Him an identical worship, the song of the Church triumphant would have no symphony, it would be like an orchestra in which all the instruments played the same note."

What Lewis describes here, upon reflection, seems to work as a conclusion. But we must not get ahead of ourselves; let us step backwards.

Let the thesis I first push forward first be this: that God loves each person uniquely. I do not use 'unique' as most mean it, not in the sense that the love He pours abundantly on us is distinct, but that it is unique, the only one of its kind. That the way with which our Heavenly Father loves us is completely special to us.

We know quite concretely that God is love, and by experience we have felt that truly He does love us, but the common man often asks: "If He says to love me, that I can scarce swallow! So if He says He loves us all, it seems to me to have lost a little significance. Does He love me for me? Or does He simply love humanity on a whole, and in that bloc I have been lucky enough to be included." Of course, some might quip that God loves us each infinitely, loving without detracting from the love of another. It is an idea that we find difficult to reconcile with our own ideas of Love, and some might find refuge by claiming it again to be an avenue available to the Omniscient One; all-powerful God and therefore well within His realms. in this reconciliation let us not miss out on an important truth: that God, who shaped and made all, does not love us each in the same mass-produced manner, as if from synthetic food, each block of candy tasting exactly the same as the other. no, our Divine Creator does not love each in the exact same manner; He loves us uniquely, in the way that every lock has a unique key, and as His love pours it will fit that lock in a unique way.

I must be careful here to state that God does not differ in magnitude of love (if here we temporarily accept the absurd notion of quantifying love). If love were rain each would be loved as boundlessly as if each atom were an ocean in itself. If love were warmth each would be loved with the heat of a million suns. No, God loves us each infinitely, and if there were only one of us that sinned and fell short of His most righteous glory the Son would undoubtedly still undergo the same unimaginable tortures to set that one soul free. Again, He does not love your neighbour more than He loves you, nor you more than your neighbour; but He does love you different than your neighbour.

Each soul is different, unique, individuated from its fellow not merely biologically, in its DNA, nor psychologically, through its experiences and circumstances; no, we are different on a spiritual level, each imprinted with the Master's seal, hand-crafted in the secret place for a specific purpose to His Glory and pleasure. And even as we have sinned and distanced ourselves across a mighty chasm, God first bridged that chasm in the act of sacrifice on the hill of Calvary, then strove to fill the selfsame chasm in ourselves; to fill our hearts with the love He so desires to. But the love which fits the mould of each heart is unique to that heart; why else do we experience the presence of The Counsellor in such different ways? Some experience the presence of God as a thrilling feeling of electricity running through the body as the Divine touches the mortal. Some experience a deep warming sensation that fills one with peace and leaves with contented sighs, as the Prince of Peace makes His entrance. Some experience the prickling of goosebumps in the body's response to a Power that it stands in the midst of. Yes it does follow patterns, but does the Spirit not bestow upon us different gifts, different anointings and blessings appropriate to the course He decides to set for us? I believe His love for us to be individuated, as His crafting of each soul is individuated.

Surely you have felt that sometimes in the world we live in, corrupted as it is, the tinges of something that seems to move something indescribable in you. Lewis quotes the sensations one feels when looking at certain sceneries or backdrops, or when listening to certain types to music, in attempts to voice out our sort of need. A deep, gaping, chasm of need, need for something we can't quite put our fingers on. We see, sometimes, in our closest friends and the ones we love deeply, the faintest inkling of resemblance of both the needs, much like finding someone who appreciates a fine bottle of fuji apple like you do, or in the faint resemblance of the Divine in others, whatever infinitesimally tiny portion of God in another that so happens to fit one valley in the undulating landscapes of the locks of our hearts; some part of God others have been blessed with that fits the need in yourself (but we must take utmost care never to attempt to let it take the place of God; a droplet is nothing compared to the boundless ocean, nor a crumb to a full seven-course meal).

As each lock differs from another, so does our need differ from others. And as one key differs from another, so His love differs for each person. Make no mistake though; all have the same type of need, that can only be satisfied by our God. And all the types of love that loves us is only a part of the bountiful, majestic love of our Creator, Master, Father, Lover; infinite in width and breadth and depth. The love that loves us each is different, but its origins are the same. And the sum total of it all is the unending love that He pours upon us.

And as He loves us each differently, so do we see that singular Divine aspect uniquely. What He affords to us is one part of Himself that no one else sees, or gets to see quite like we get the honour of seeing. In the inimitable nature that He loves each distinct soul, He presents that portion of Himself that was made for it. Thus Creator and Created are linked individually through that connection which is beyond words; a piece of the Eternal God and King which He awards freely upon each new soul. No, not 'awards', for it is not given. It is imprinted in each soul; it is the reason for each soul. It is the key the lock is moulded from. The special imprint of an aspect of Himself which then becomes the soul, from which mind and body are layered accordingly.

What follows when we assume this thesis is quite an amazing conclusion when we bring ourselves before the Ultimate Conclusion, or rather, the conclusion of the prologue chapter. When the Son of God appears again, and we depart from Earth with our souls and new bodies, leaving the temporal for the Eternal, we carry that unique imprint onto ourselves. Such that in the Heavenly Realms, when His Bride assembles and sings the songs of endless worship, each soul exalts the Father, lifting up that particular aspect of Him that they and they alone have been given privy access to. Indeed, there may be bits that correlate with the aspects others may see, for certainly all worship the same God, the same Father, the same Son, the same Spirit. But through the uniqueness of their souls they are able to worship that special aspect of the Divine none of their fellows may.

Thus it occurs to me the reason for individuation. I fall were loved as same, and all returned love as same, then would it not be the sound of an infinite trumpets playing the same note. Or even if, indeed, He loves us all same, but that within ourselves which causes us to respond (in love) differently, a filter so deeply crafted into us certainly cannot be from our own doing, but from the hand of the Creator. Thus the song of Heaven is that of an untold millions of voices, different as tambourine from piano, singing in perfect harmony with each other the everlasting songs of worship and praise.

Then see also, the sacredness of each soul. Through the mighty working of His hand He allowed the possibility of falling away, for an aspect of Himself to be imprinted on souls that may not, at the end of the day, come to join the orchestral choir. Then understand the depth at which each needs God, and in God, will not lose the uniqueness of his or her soul in a faceless crowd of converts, but will discover the true nature of one's own soul, the richness from that relationship with the Almighty, and in its own distinct, special, unparalleled and inimitable voice join in the Eternal song.

(many thanks to my editor. I apologise for how long this particular post is, but I think it makes up for the drought right?)

thursday (Night Falls)

2010-12-30T03:53:00.001+08:00

(I first wrote this poem when inspiration hit me, while I was in taiwan, after a shower. I wrote the first stanza on the fogged up mirror with my finger, which freaked out my mother when she stepped in after me)

NIGHT FALLS: a poem

The literates of the world will tell you that night
falls, as if it were
the clothes draped over the deceased, or the
lowering of the coffin lid;
as with a certain
suddenness.
That is not the case.

As any casual observer of the stars will tell you,
night does not fall.
It seeps.
It blends and mixes with the light till it becomes dark.
From the afternoon sun, it bleeds white to blue
to the stillness of the night.

Night is slow. The few awake at its apex
have seen the speed of the night,
the crawl of the stars high above in their own
desired paths. There is a stillness,
a quiet, a shutting down and out and ending
of the things of the previous day.

The literates will say that dawn breaks.
This, though, I wholeheartedly agree with.
Dawn does not appear with any suddenness,
for the light of the sun heralds its arrival
far before the luminous sphere itself
appears in the sky. A wave of blue rings
out in ripples across the clouds, and the
brightness of dawn draws out the rooster's
call. No, dawn is not swift in its arrival,
but it is ever on time.

For night seeps in sideways, not from where the
Earthbound ever fix their sight: straight upward
into the clouds; or from beneath their feet, the
haven for awkward eyes in awkward times. No, it creeps in
from periphery, the blind spots, till the
unaware find themselves utterly caught
in it (as if they knew not
that night has to fall).
But dawn, dawn always breaks.
It hides nothing for it knows the way
darkness flees. Dawn breaks as cloth tears;
as stones roll away. And as dawn returns,
life endures, continues, evermore.

monday (growth)

2010-12-06T02:47:00.002+08:00

To the uninitiated, my birthday's coming in a week, and Christmas is just slightly under 3 weeks away. Blatant self-advertising aside, I'm going to advise you not to get me anything living as a present. Really, anything breathing or green should be struck off your lists immediately. My house is great when it comes to taking care of people, but animals are very much less lucky. We have had hamsters that died of either suffocation or pneumonia, fishes that either thought they could fly or believed themselves to be salmon; frogs that preferred an eleven story free-fall over captivity, and even my pet rock grew mould and fell out a window. Point is, my house doesn't grow creatures very well.

And it's a weird thing having living creatures in your house. Why? Because living things grow. And when they grow, they change.

It's a common saying, that "change is the only constant". Want to know why? Because we are alive. In a world full of dead things and people, nothing would change. The spark of life in our temporal situations are what fuels change. Things change because things grow.

On a side note, this is also why I think a zombie apocalypse would be survivable. The undead? They're, well, medically dead. So their bodies don't grow. So whatever damage they sustain will never be healed. Sun, rain, winds, we survive them because we can heal. Zombies can't.

Returning again to the point, growth always brings change. Sure, there are plateaus where we don't grow much, but those are the times we don't change much either. If I may drop some scripture on us, here's a verse from 1 Corinthians 13:11

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

That's what I mean. We grow, so we change; so we put our pasts behind us in order that we may look ahead.

Here's the thing, healthy life always means growth. A healthy 16 year old is growing. If a 13 year old teenager remained the exact size and shape, evidently something is amiss.

Same with our spiritual lives. If we are alive in the spirit, praying regularly, worshipping often; if our spiritual lives are healthy, then our spiritual lives are growing. If you've had a healthy relationship with God for 3 years you definitely won't be in the same mental, emotional, spiritual place you were 3 years ago. Life means growth, spiritual life means spiritual growth. Understand these implications on your personal walk.

Life means growth. And growth also means change. Which is also something we need to understand.

A stagnant ministry, a stagnant church, one without change, is one without growth. A church or a ministry that is alive in Christ will have growth. That is a given. Be it spiritual growth within the individual members, or physical growth in terms of worshippers in attendance, life means growth. And growth means change.

Personally, let me make it clear that I'm not a big fan of change. I'm a man of routine. I like my usual schedules, my usual tv shows (HIMYM, TBBT), my usual drink (fuji apple), and I don't like it when those change. I go to school by the same route every morning and go home by that same route. When something is committed to routine I don't like to change it.

But change is necessary. Because growth is necessary. Because life is necessary.

As do most of my posts, this one feels unready, unpolished, but I think the point is clear enough. Change isn't bad. Change is a sign of growth. And growth is a sign of life.

And life is good :)

wednesday (sheep)

2010-10-13T23:20:00.002+08:00

Sheep are strange creatures, strange strange creatures.

Sheep have a tendency to do strange things, like running full-on into rocks, or suddenly sitting down in the grass for no reason.

And sheep aren't very acrobatic creatures either. Think about it, have you ever seen a sheep do a forward roll? Okay, how bout intentionally. Sheep don't do forward rolls or cartwheels, no handstands or headspins, think about it, sheep don't even walk sideways. At most, maybe they stumble backwards and forwards, but never sideways.

Sheep go forwards, that's what they do. And sometimes backwards, but never very far nor for very long. Mostly, they go where their heads point.

And that, mein freunde, is the point I'm trying to get at, in a very, very roundabout fashion (and roundabout fashion doesn't refer to clothes for plus-sized people. Har de har har)

In a lot of ways, we're like sheep. We tend to go where we're focused.

Not with our physical bodies, not really, more with our minds. We tend to go where we focus ourselves. You focus on God and you'll go to God, in the same way that sheep that focus on the shepherd go to the shepherd.

And when the sheep spend their time focusing on where they're not allowed to go, they tend to go there.

Yes friends, that's us.

You know how to get out of sin? Not by focusing on it, constantly telling yourself not to do it, not that. When the shepherd blocks off a piece of land because it's filled with thorns and briers, but the sheep start focusing on those pieces of land, they'll gravitate to it. And when the shepherd reminds them not to, the sheep ends up focusing so much on not going to the patch of thorns and briers that it doesn't spot the patch of mud it ends up getting stuck in. Sometimes we end up ignoring the one big sin that the smaller ones creep up on us. We focus so much on getting away from the big things that the small ones kill us slowly. It's like the ancient chinese death by a thousand cuts, small almost insignificant slices being cut away and, before we know it, we're dying spiritual deaths.

And sometimes we focus on the distractions, on the hobbies and little fun things we can do to take our minds off of things. We end up being like sheep so focused on one patch of grass that we lose sight of everything else, the entire field that the shepherd's given for us to graze in.

The only way our lives turn out right and fine is when we get our focus right. When the sheep focus on the important things, then the sheep turns out fine.

Focus on God first, and you'll see that everything else follows

Whether it's getting out of a sin that you're stuck in, finding a solution to a messed up situation, or searching for answers to any question, focus on your shepherd.

I'm going to echo the words of Matthew 6:33,
"seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

sunday (Eternity)

2010-07-11T17:04:00.002+08:00

Ever since God placed it in my heart to named this blog after, from what I've heard, an incredible book that I STILL haven't read yet, I find that one word 'Eternity' to be particularly important. So today as we were listening to the words of Rev. Danny, one particular point stood out. He was talking about faith, and the qualities of faith, specifically on how true faith focuses on the eternal.

He quoted Hebrews 11:13,
"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth."

Just some background, the passage before it covers what is known as the Hall of Faith. Heroes from the Old Testament who are noted for their faith in God. These heroes, most of them died before seeing the destiny that they were working for. Abraham was promised descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky, yet he only had 8 sons at the time of his death. That's the number of stars you see in a single Singapore night, hardly a generation. But here's the difference: he left his country, his home, even before he had a single son. He left seeing through eyes of faith, through faith in God's promise. The heroes of faith lived by faith, not by sight.

But more than that, it was the last part of the verse that caught my attention.
"And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth."

I find it funny the way that it's phrased. It's not 'and they realised that they were aliens and strangers on earth'. It's not 'and they had a sudden epiphany that they were aliens and strangers on earth'. It's written right there that they admitted it. And that means that they already were aliens, they just didn't admit that.

It's written thrice in the bible that we are 'aliens and strangers' in this world, and it says quite clearly that we're not quite meant to be in this world. I mean we are in it, we're just not of it. The God in us sets us apart, makes us consecrated. Jesus Himself said in John 15:19, in words that are so good I'm not gonna para-phrase them.

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."

That's pretty much the reason. God loves us, chose us, pulled us out and made us a new creation in Him. And because we're different, we're no longer of the world.

But I don't think I've fully admitted that yet.

And I think many of us haven't either.

If we did, I don't think we'd try so hard to act like we weren't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we should lock ourselves in our rooms for 6 hours a day and do nothing but read the Bible over and over and over again. Sure, we're told not to be of the world, but we are commanded to be in it. We'd be terrible evangelists if we became too heavenly for any earthly good. It's just that there's a fine line between understanding the culture of this generation and delving fully into it.

We aren't creatures of the temporal. As much as we would love to try, we've been brought to the knowledge of a life beyond. Even those who don't know Christ can agree with me when I say that there are those moments in our lives where we just stop to ponder what life is all about, our purpose, and what happens beyond. As King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has set Eternity in the hearts of men". Something inside us just tells us, reminds us, every once in a while, that there's something beyond this life that we live.

We're new creations. We have Eternity set in our hearts and been blessed with knowledge of a love that will carry us through it. We're aliens and strangers in this world, and our eyes should be set on a far further destination. Let's be Driven by Eternity.

saturday (the most beautiful but)

2010-07-10T22:26:00.002+08:00

There are four words in the Bible that I love. Well, many, but four that stand out. Four words that pop up often enough that I remember :) and a few weeks back God brought them back to me.

They're found in 1 Corinthians 10:13, NKJV version
"but God is faithful".

If you've read the whole chapter, you'd know that Paul mostly talks about temptations, about the things that the early Israelites went through. They had their incredible experiences with God, and they had their falling away from God. And Paul calls them examples for us, examples that we would do well to learn from. Basically, the heart of Paul's message is this: don't be confidant in yourself, put your confidence in God.

I find this echoed in Psalms 118:8-9, "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes." The words come from King David, a man spent a good portion of his life on the run, in danger, or in some form of instability and uncertain threats. But the words that he wrote echoes great wisdom, wisdom that comes battered by experience. It is better to put your hope in the LORD, than any trust in man. And that's the reason why I love those four words.

but God is faithful.

You can put your hope, your trust in God, because God is faithful.

Even when we aren't.

If you were to look at your relationship with God like that of a marriage (something that the Bible talks about, with the church as the bride and Jesus as the groom), in a week we probably commit more adultery than all the women on Desperate Housewives in those six seasons. Combined.

We don't do good as faithful people to God. We're like the slutty woman in a B-grade soap opera who continually cheats on her boyfriend, though he remains eternally faithful to her. And although she always goes on about how their relationship is 'non-exclusive', but he's all like "I'm the one for you" (why yes, I am secretly referencing that scene between Brooke and Lucas from One Tree Hill season 3, wayyy back). I'll admit it, we make terrible brides sometimes.

And that's why I love those four words.

But God is faithful.

I don't know about you, but I've been pretty unfaithful. My supposedly regular times spent alone with God every day hasn't been so regular, I've been focusing my attention on trying to be someone better than on being God's child, and I haven't been the best friend I can be lately. I've failed, and truth be told, been found pretty faithless at times.

But God is faithful.

That's His promise to us. It's a promise of grace for the prodigal ones. No matter how far we are from home, He's still gonna run to the gate to meet us with an embrace the moment He sees us coming over the horizon. No matter how messed up, screwed up, faithless and fallen we are, He still loves us. Our wildest imaginings of what His love is like would only be a drop of water in the ocean that it really is. It's a love that simply won't ever end.

So I'm hoping that this is a reminder for all of us who are hurting, who are far, who are faithless and lost in ourselves.

Maybe you feel like you've failed Him,

maybe you're stuck in lies that you told,

maybe you're struggling with sin that's slowly started taking control,

maybe you're broken,

maybe you've hit rock bottom.

But God is faithful.

Yes, we're faithless

But God is faithful.

monday (truth)

2010-07-06T00:47:00.002+08:00

(while writing this entry on the train, I managed to lose my PSP :( oh sacrifice)

I tend to have a love-hate relationship with truth. Sort of like a Mr. Darcy-Elizabeth Bennet kind of thing, but with less 19th century suits and Lady Catherine scolding. I love the way truth tends to blow my mind, but I hate the way it forces me to come to terms with certain things. Cause the truth about truth (hee hee) is that I prefer ignorance. I love not having to know what's wrong with me. Truth just works that way. If tells you pretty uncompromisingly what's up with you, what needs correction, what needs to be changed

Sure, the expression is overused, but mostly because it's true. Truth IS like a light. It tends to pierce our darkness. It cuts straight through who we think we are, through the image we put up, and stirs up the things we'd rather leave to settle quietly. Truth tends to cut, uncompromisingly. Yes, truth sets you free, but it has a habit of hurting like a bugger before it does.

But here's the amazing thing :) God doesn't do just truth alone. I think about Jesus and the Adulterous Woman in John 8. Here you have Jesus, pretty much the human symbol for truth and righteousness; and then you have the adulterous woman (pretty much says it all). An angry mob has just pretty much thrown this woman in front of Him, getting all ready to stone her for her sins. Jesus looks up at all of them, stands His ground and protects her from their condemnation. That in itself is an amazing show of grace. But what's even more amazing is the last part of this story. After Jesus has done His part, the crowd has slowly disappeared, the woman wipes off the tears of sadness and fear from her eyes, and looks up to her saviour. He straightens up, looks her in the eye, and asks:

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
"No one, sir."
"Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."

God doesn't just do truth, He does forgiveness. It's this amazing process where He looks straight at you, through the images you put up, to the truth of who you are. Like a member of the Na'vi would say, He sees you. The only person in the entire universe who could possibly judge you truly impartially looks straight into who we are, and chooses not condemnation but love. He chooses freedom from the bondages that pull us down over condemning us. It's just like that line in Chris Tomlin's Indescribable, "You see the depths of my heart but You love me the same".

We learn to be truthful to others when we first learn to be truthful to ourselves. We learn to be truthful with ourselves when we let God reveal the truth about us to us. When we realise that there's nothing to hide from the one who is always watching over us. Who comes not only with truth, but with love. Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound (Romans 5:20).

And why is truth so darn important? Because anything that isn't true is false. God keeps it real friends, that's the way He roll. The fake stuff knows much better than to mess with Him.

Truth friends, truth.

friday (love)

2010-06-19T01:46:00.003+08:00

I don't know when I grew up :(

Somehow, when I wasn't looking, I got old.

I got cynical, jaded, disillusioned.

And I'm not the only one.

Somewhere along the line, I think I began to get sick of 'young punks'.

It jumped up at me today. All of a sudden the low buzz of a normal IGNYTE service really got to me. I started seeing these groups of young kiddos (in my mind, I sometimes tend to speak like an ol' west-ern cawlboy) with all em' rootin' and tootin', and I don't know why, but I think I was actually starting to get annoyed.

I was getting annoyed at the short attention span; I was getting annoyed at the constant inane comments at every other statement; I was getting annoyed at the greater emphasis on people and situations than on God.

So I was busy getting all fumed up, when I walked over to Sister Kassey, happily sitting at the back on her laptop. And I asked her the important question:

"how do you deal with it?"

She smiled and just said "Love God, Love His people".

She said it like someone who knew the depth of that statement, of it's ramifications.

I remember when I was younger, I used to wonder why my oldest sister would seem to have such a low regard of my friends than I did. I wondered why I saw them as good friends, amazing people, yet my sister saw them as pretentious whiners who didn't know anything. When you compare the two, it becomes quite obvious: they were my friends, and I had a deep love for them.

You see, the Bible describes to us in the New Testament the difference between the Love and the Law. The Love brings Salvation, the Law brings Damnation. The Love brings grace, the Law brings punishment. The Love brings mercy, the Law brings judgement. And that was exactly what I was doing.

Without looking with love, I was looking through the Law; I was looking with eyes of judgement. I was judging them, yes, with the Law of God, but without the Love of God.

And when I started looking and removing that lens of judgement, I began to realise some really important things. Essentially, that I used to be just like that. I had an attention span so short it was basically measured in millimetres (I love sugar, on an unrelated note). I constantly made inane comments, mostly because I thought I was really amusing, and I was such a smartmouth I always had something to say to anything. And I used to put greater emphasis on the atmosphere of the service, on the people, than on the God of the people.

And more than that, I realised that as time passed, these things naturally faded. In time, they would probably experience it too. Yeh, them too wud sum day hang up ya'll boots, an put em' glory days behind yah. Used ta call me ol' Slick, cause I'd draw em' like I saw em', quick as a whip.

So to recap,
Law + Human Nature = Judgement + Hypocrisy
Law + Human Nature + Love of God = Understanding + Empathy

(note to self: western cowboy accents work better in person.)

friday (availed)

2010-06-19T01:21:00.002+08:00

So hello friends!

It has been a long, long time since I last posted on here and I do think it deserves an explanation.

I named it the Z2 effect.

It describes the crucial transition between secondary school life into JC/poly life (it's kinda in between secondary and tertiary, does that make it like, second-and-a-half-ary?). Some how, in the years before I've noticed some kind of change that happens to people when they go through that important year. For some reason, people seem to begin to change, harden, numb. Please note though, I'm not saying that the effect is due to the change in schools or seasons. What I'm saying is that this change in schools and seasons becomes the catalyst for greater change in relationships, in lifestyle that shakes and tests foundations from before.

And so I have to confess something of great importance:

I have not been okay.

Truth be told, I've been bleeding terrible.

Listen, I'm not going to blame it entirely on the change in school. But I think somewhere along the line I had begun to lose track of who God was and what God was doing! And that's pretty darn important!

As a result, I started neglecting this blog. You must understand the creative process that goes behind these posts first. Usually what happens is that in my daily living, I often come across thoughts about Christianity or about being a Christian that I note down. Then when I have some free time and I go back and reflect on these thoughts and pull and dig deeper into it, that's where the writing begins. It's from there that these posts are (I would say crafted but honestly, they do lack a certain smoothness about them) written.

In the past few months I've been letting my focus drift. And here's the thing, we tend to think about the things we focus upon. If you're chasing after a certain someone, you're gonna unconsciously think about that person. If you're starving and you begin to focus on your next meal, you're gonna start thinking about sinking your teeth into a Carl's Juniors thickburger. So when I let my focus drift away from God, I started thinking less about Him, about life with Him. And that led to less things and areas to think deeper about, and less posts. That and the fact that I also had less time to write.

But I want to change that. Bro Kah Fei's sermon as well as the prayers of quite a few leaders lately has been reminding me of this gift. Of wisdom, of thinking, of writing. And I thank God that His gifts and call are irrevocable (Romans 11:29)! Because that means that I can pick it right back up again.

So I told God that I desire to focus back on Him again, and that I want to give more of my time, avail more of my time to write, and to bless others with what He has blessed me with.

I know my God answers prayers. Expect to see more posts on here :)

(AND YES, I did read the comments on the tag board. I will blog about them. Long time coming, but they will be up sooner or later :) )

sunday (God is still God)

2010-04-25T21:50:00.002+08:00

This video absolutely blew my mind and moved me to tears.

The Story of Zac Smith from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.

I have incredible respect for this man. And I honestly hope to have this man's faith one day.

no matter what happens, God is still God, and God is still good.

saturday (logic)

2010-04-17T22:36:00.002+08:00

I love math.

Yes, I'm a total math geek. Math is the only subject for which I'd actually willingly do the homework for (inotherwords, without a teacher forcing me). I genuinely find math jokes funny (it's true). I think it's because math is structured. Math is logical. When you screw up a math test, it's not because suddenly the rules of math decided to change all the answers to '707' and asks you to look at it upside down; it's because you were careless somewhere, screwed up something, added when you were supposed to subtract, subtracted when you were supposed to add. Math is logical.

I think my brain works on logic. I think my brain likes logic.

Logic is easy. You learn the rules and they never change. it's structured, orderly, you know what to expect.

I think somewhere along the line God's trying to wean me off my dependence on logic.

If logic beat sin, my life would be so much easier.

'Lying hurts people. They feel betrayed because of misplaced trust that they put in you. It makes them less likely to trust you in the future. That makes it harder for you to maintain friendships.'

'Being selfish hurts people. By putting yourself as someone more important than everyone else, people recognise and begin viewing you as selfish. That lowers your chances of being relied upon, or having more opportunities to build friendships.'

'Being prideful is dangerous. People begin put more faith in your ability than it deserves, due to your boasting. When push comes to shove, you end up embarrassed at being unable to meet people's expectations.'

Logic can't beat sin friends. Every father that abuses his child knows somewhere that it's hurting his own offspring. Every young punk shooting up knows it's addictive, hurting his body.

Ever tried fighting off temptation with logic?

It's a lose-lose situation. More often than not, we choose to ignore logic and fall willingly choose the sin. When we do succeed in fending off the temptation, we just feel emptier. I've been there and I know the feeling. There is no victory in the logic of the self.

The truth is, logic can't beat sin. I can't think my way to being pure. I can't form a perfect mathematical formula that equals redemption.

Only God's grace does that.

And as usual, I'm learning that my logic isn't enough. In general, I'm not enough. But His grace, His freely given grace is. His grace trumps sin, trumps logic.

Sin laughs at the logic we come up with; it trembles at the sound of the Father's voice.

So :) to sum it up

sin > logic
but
God's grace > sin

it also follows that

God's grace > sin > logic

(there's the math for ya)

STUFFCHRISTIANSLIKE SCORECARD

2010-04-06T21:05:00.002+08:00

Jonathan Acuff of Stuff Christians Like is doing a massive scorecard on how probable a contestant on American Idol would be a Christian. It is awesome (VERILY!) that he agreed to guest post on here with a bit of the score card.

The “Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian? Scorecard”
35. Their profile page on fox.com lists “handbells” as one of their hobbies. = + 3 points

For the full scorecard links, go here

And for the amazing site that is Stuff Christians Like (which has a more regular posting schedule that I should learn to emulate), check out http://stuffchristianslike.net/

WILL POST. SOON.

sunday (silence)

2010-02-21T21:23:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling in a certain way that I'm sure many of you do too. This real and genuine sense of tiredness, due to extenuating circumstances in terms of work, often feeling so tired when spending time with God that it doesn't seem fair to Him. Pushing and pushing and trying to find my way into His courts but I just don't feel it. Wondering where His voice is, having to treasure every word because He just seems so far.

Don't lie friends, service this weekend and I saw it in many eyes.

And today I had a revelation about that. Ready?

God is Sovereign, Loving God.

I know it don't seem like an amazing revelation. It doesn't give answers, nor solutions, no step-by-step guide for dealing with it, just pretty much stating something that seems, well, pretty obvious. It's the two most important characteristics of who He is. Loving and Sovereign.

He's not blind friends. He's not deaf either. His heart is never, never numb. It's easy for us to grow numb with all that we go through, but His heart is never numb. Never.

The Sovereign Loving God knows my limits. He knows the limits of my faith, not as I see them, but as they truly are. He knows the limits of my patience as they truly are. He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, how much I can take.

He knows how much silence I can take.

He is silent right now. I secretly suspect that many people out there know exactly what I mean. When I'm crying out to Him, desperate to hear His voice, but there is silence. Just. Silence.

I think it hurts His heart to keep silent. If what I know of Him is true, then I think He dislikes keeping silent when we cry out. When He hears our desperate cries, I think He hates to keep silent. But He knows when to keep silent, when we need that silence to build something in ourselves that will be of far greater worth in Eternity. Because He's the Sovereign, Loving God.

So if you feel as I do, it's important for you to know two things:

1. you're not the only one. As long as this blog remains here (which I think should be a while), there will be this digital record that at very least, I, Gideon Goh, has felt the way that you're feeling. The path you're walking is one that others have before, and it's a path many many others have finished walking too. The silent path doesn't go on forever, it's just a small section of this race.

2. God is still the Loving, Sovereign God. He still holds the world in His hands. He's still as powerful as that time He moved in your life. He's still as loving as that time where you felt that love. He's still as wonderful as that time He put a smile on your face. Your Loving, Sovereign God is the same even if your perception of Him changes.

God is still Sovereign. God is still Loving. God is still your God.

And we're all learning to hold on to that. :)

(the tag thing is still going on btw. I know it might take me a while to respond, but please, add more :D )

(empty)

2010-02-16T23:05:00.005+08:00

ooo! poem!

I.

I wake
I walk
I brush my teeth
I eat, I read
I drink coffee
I wear, I drive
I turn the keys
and all around me
I see
the Empty.

The man standing on the stage
microphone to lips, in the parade
the melody the notes
the harmonising chords
the dance the moves
the golden awards
they adorn the sides of the rooms of the heart
but between the walls, dividing them apart
lie the bottomless void
the aching depths
and if you look
you see
the Empty.

The woman boasts with pouting lips
her suitors abound, yearning for a kiss
the flowers in hand, the corsages on shirts
the smoky eye shadow, the shortening skirts
a fleeting moment where the need is filled
then lonesome moments when bother is killed
and once again the need is there
enhanced by these discrepancies
and if you look
you see
the Empty.

open your eyes to look
to see
most men and women, you will agree,
find inside themselves, to a degree
an aching, tired, hungering
Empty.

I wake I walk
I brush my teeth
and if in this mirror
you look
you see
the .

II.

(There's a secret
that some don't tell
of a man who lived
and knew the Full
He walked the ground
others had trod
but His steps had held
some divine pull.

He spoke about
a different world
where a life meant more
then lonesome voids
Where men didn't think
about the Empty
but in the pouring
to others enjoyed

The men they gaped
at such strange thoughts
the institutions
He undermined
"Heretical man
such blatant untruths"
they called love liar
the Full maligned

He showed the world
just what He meant
when the Full was poured
into Empty
Body broken and
tattered and torn
and the Full was given
to all, given free.

Now the secret is this:
the man who had the Full
poured it out in death
so that we who once were found Empty
could breathe the Full in breath.)

III.

If you like me
sometimes still see
the Empty behind the veil
Call out to Him
who's Full to brim
for He will never fail.

It's in my personal opinion that the ending sucks a little. I need to add more to it. but I'm tired :/ ah well.

an idea

2010-02-08T00:22:00.002+08:00

WHOA, second post. I know. But this magnificent idea popped into my head the other day and I thought it would be cool :)

There are two problems, and I perchanced upon an idea to kill two birds with one stone (ooo, perchanced.)

Problem 1: blogging here feels too much like talking to a brick wall :p
Problem 2: I always find it hard to think of things to write about

SOLUTION: how's about this!

I think it would be cool if you (you meaning whoever perchances [PERCHANCES] upon this blog) would leave a tag regarding any topic that's been on your mind, any topic that you think I could/would blog about :)

We'll see how it goes :) but I like the idea.

SO, any takers?

sunday (Burdens)

2010-02-07T21:42:00.003+08:00

I get more and more tired :( upon certain reflection earlier this week, I suddenly realise that with each passing year there seem to be more and more work for me to do :p because with each year I find myself thinking 'I'm busier than I've ever been', and each time it still holds true. I think I'm being stretched? But I enjoy it :) days like these when TrailBlazers (my most awesome cell, SHOUTOUT YO) remind me that we're all in this together :) makes me happy. It's worth it, it's always worth it :)

BUT THAT'S BESIDES THAT POINT. I always forget what I get here to do :p

YES, the point I wanted to talk about today :)

I guess one of the burdens on my heart is always about my friends :) it's a part of who I am I guess? A good friend of mine mentioned in the last month about how God's given me a big heart, and I think that's very true :) because there are nights where I feel so consumed with His love I wonder how my heart manages to fit inside me. It's this sort of outward pushing, like there's something inside that wants to get out. that's what His love feels like to me.

And my friends are a part of that :) and so there are loads of times where I hear my friends asking me if they're bothering me when they need to talk about their worries or their problems. The obvious answer is, well, obvious. Of course. But it's a kind of bother I enjoy :)

Working to do cell plans as an SP, it's important, sure. Having my time to play Final Fantasy Dissidia on the PSP is a good break, fine. But this much I have learnt: that lives are more than worth it. Spending time to check up on friends and making sure they're coping, that's worth it. Taking that extra fifteen minutes during Time Alone to pray for my friends, that's worth it. Talking to somebody when they need a listening ear, that's worth it. Friendship is worth it. It is.

I remember a night a few weeks back. It was after dinner, and I was going about my usual post-school routine, kicking back for a few hours surfing the net and chatting with friends. Your typical orange glow suddenly flashed in at the bottom of the screen, one of my close friends was in an urgent situation; my friend needed help.

I wonder what people think happens in these sort of situations. Does a voice from Heaven suddenly speak 'Gideon, go talk to your friend now'? Is there some kind of clear telling to go be a friend?

But no, this wasn't one of those times where God says that there's an added element to it. This was one of those times where there's choice (I hope people get what I mean). There are conversations God specifically tells me to start, sort of an internal knowing that this person needs to hear something. And there are conversations where there isn't that clear distinction or demarkation to go talk to the person.

The strange thing is that this incident was a third category. Instead of telling me to go for it, or remaining silent, God asked me if I could take it. On top of needing my rest that night, needing to finish up some emails online, He asked if I could cope with it.

I knew the answer. There was no internal deliberation, no 'hmmm, but then...', no contradicting voices. Just a 'yeah, I think my friend needs this'. And with that I typed out that 'you can call if you need'.

Because when I thought about it, and I thought about the times when God specifically asked me to talk to friends and the times where He didn't, 99% of the time, that distinction didn't make much of a difference.

mmm, that's it for the night

NO EMBARRASSING PHOTO :p

an outburst

2010-02-03T01:07:00.003+08:00

I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing blogging right now

But tonight, He reminded me of Love.

It's funny the way that His Love turns aside pride. It doesn't need to shout out against pride, or directly attack pride. But when His Love comes in, pride makes it's exit. His Love is humbling that way, a gentle way.

It's like this hurricane, this violent, violent storm of Love. And we're holding on to trees, holding on to signposts rooted in the ground, shouting out into the storm "no wait! hold on! I'm not ready! I'm still so sinful! I'm still not right yet! I'm imperfect, I'm flawed, I'm not enough! I'm not ready for you to see me!"

But it's too great. This wind, this force of grace says "well frankly my dear, I don't care." This love is too great for you to care about your insecurities, about your inadequacies, about your worries and fears and doubts, about you not being enough. The weight of His mercy is too much for us to keep grasping at our 'what if's and 'but wait's.

And as the rain of Love pelts our faces and the sheer pulling of grace causes us to lose our hold on the things we've bound ourselves to, we feel like we're losing control, like we're surrendering.

And it's a terrifying moment. Suddenly we're vulnerable, out in the open, being caught up in something that is so much greater and stronger than anything we've ever come into contact with. And it's terrifying.

But all of a sudden, we realise that this hurricane of Love enfolds us. And we're floating in it, the powerful wind blowing off the chains around us, the Love bombards us, washing off the marks and scars of sin. And for once, we're so vulnerable yet so held; so high above the ground yet so safely floating. And although we feel more open than we've ever felt in our lives, we feel more complete than we've ever been.

The hurricane doesn't slow, but it drops us slowly back onto the ground, back in the direction, the path that we're supposed to take.

a promise

2010-01-31T21:29:00.003+08:00

A thousand apologies for not updating recently (there's a Mind Your Language reference right there, in case anyone still watches old school British Comedy anymore). I've been busy. It's a curious, curious sensation, it feels a little like MIT, only longer. Many things I've committed myself to doing :)

But also because I feel that I've been sorrrrely lacking in posts, I hereby promise to make an effort to write a post by this time next week. If I don't, then I will put up at least one (1) embarrassing photo of myself. Yay me.

SO, if you've been visiting here and anticipating the next post, apologies again, I will make an effort :D

(and here's a video that made me tear)

friday (refuge 1)

2010-01-08T15:14:00.003+08:00

Something that's been on my mind these few days was the idea of God being a Refuge.

Yeah, no proper segue into it, just gonna throw the thing at you. Trust me, I spent half an hour thinking of some cool and fancy way to slide in the whole topic, but in the end I just decided on throwing it straight.

So yes! God is our refuge. But I sat back and thought about it for a while, and then I realized I have no idea what's a refuge. Instead of searching 'define: refuge' on google (did you know that you could do that?), I dug into the Bible to see how they used the word.

My research turned up four main definitions of the word 'refuge', based on four Hebrew words, and I'm going to try to break up the four meanings of the word into two posts.

The first is meownah, pronounced meh-o-naw, and it refers to a dwelling place, a habitation. A place to live in, to spend your life in. It's only used once, in Deuteronomy 33:27, where the verse reads "The eternal God is your refuge...". In terms of the context of the verse, this was part of the blessings that Moses pronounced on the nation of Israel before he died. It speaks of God being somewhere to dwell in. It speaks of dwelling in God's presence, living each day with Him by your side, and I think the holidays was one of the best times that we experience that. Especially during camp. I think many people can testify and say that camp was a place where, for four days of your life, you dwelt in God's presence. Where you shut out the world for abit and just lived with God. I love that thought :) But sadly, holidays end, and we've got to go back to school, which brings us to the next definition.

The second hebrew word is manowc, pronounced maw-noce', and it refers to an escape, a way to flee, a sort of retreat. This is the promise of God. My personal favorite use of the word is in Psalms 59:16. The whole Psalm was written by David at the point in time where King Saul was out to get him, and David was crying out to God for deliverance, for Him to help David in his situation. And David talks about his enemies, but ultimately he says this, "But I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of need."

I know school is tiring. For most of us, it's been one week only and there's this feeling of 'ohhhhhh no, one more year of this'. But here is a reminder for you today: God is your refuge. Your means of escape. He's the small sturdy hut in the middle of the field during a thunderstorm. He's the giant ark in the movie 2012 (without annoying John Cusack messing everything up). He's the safe place, the sure footing, that place of stillness beside the tempest that is everyday life. He's your refuge, and He's waiting for you, like He always has been, and always will be.

Your God is your Refuge.

pop (hope)

2010-01-07T19:16:00.002+08:00

"Hope isn't optimism.

Optimism often denies reality;
Hope never does.

Optimism is positive thinking;
Hope is passionate trust.

Optimism is psychological;
Hope is theological.

Optimism focuses on what you think you can do;
Hope trusts in what you know God can do.

Optimism says 'it's not so bad.'
Hope admits that it is, 'but I still believe and trust God.'

We all struggle with difficulty, doubt, discouragement and despair.

That's why we need hope."

-Rick Warren (edited from a string of tweets.)

monday (Awesome God)

2010-01-04T19:42:00.005+08:00

For a moment there I forgot the point I wanted to talk about today, and got really annoyed about it, but thank God for memory. Another important lesson: in life, if you don't write down an idea, it will never exist.

I've always been a kid that loves reading. I remember the story my mum loves to tell, about how one night she woke up at 4 in the morning. Seeing the light on outside, she walked out into the living room to find her 7 year old son sitting on the sofa with a stack of encyclopedias at his side. She wondered if there was something that was keeping him up, but apparently he just didn't stop reading since an hour after dinner.

Yes yes, inquisitive boy. But one thing I remember, that stands out clearly in my mind, was my fascination with the universe. Because I realized everything that I saw around me was just a tiny bit of the vastness of space. The idea that there were places out there, planets composed of just gas, huge clumps of swirling clouds, rings of small tiny asteroids, it amazed me. By the age of 9, I could tell you that Jupiter was over 1300 times the volume of earth, that Uranus differed from the other planets by it's axis of rotation being vertical, while the other planets had it's rotations horizontally. I was awestruck by the amazing-ness of it all.

And nowadays, when I look at all of it again, do you know what amazes me?

That God did all of that with a simple "let there be...".

Our God's pretty awesome :D

But I think we forget that pretty often.

Hello, what are you worried for? Or have you forgotten that the One who builds and sustains everything is on your side.

Maybe it's something to do with the way that we sometimes treat God. I know for myself that I've been praying for a renewed sense of respect for Him. There have been times where I catch myself sinning with the thought that 'it's okay, he'll forgive'. And there is something deeply deeply wrong with that. I wonder how He stands it sometimes, I wonder why He doesn't get pissed at me. And I remember that He loves me, and as long as there's still time, there's still hope.

But He's God. Of all. Of everything. Every description of God in the Bible holds Him as the Awesome God. Reading about how God appears to the nation of Israel at Mount Sinai holds me in amazement. Exodus 19, where a dense cloud appears over the whole mountain and a loud trumpet heralds the arrival of the Lord of All. Everyone in the Israelite camp shivers because they know that the Awesome King is there. During the Azusa Street Revival between 1906 to 1915, old ladies who were young girls then tell stories about how the children would sit below the table while the adults were praying, and they would literally play with the small clouds of God's glory.

And this is the clincher, that reminds me every time. He is God. And when He sets a goal for me, nothing can stop Him. If He decides that I should grow wings and a unicorn's horn for some reason, it's gonna happen. If He decides that the best way to showcase His glory in my life is for me to be a rapper, then be prepared to see Double G's newest album, "DOUBLE G OR BUST" go platinum.

So stop being worried. If you're in your school because that's where God has called you, then do what He wants you to do there, and stop worrying about the extra stuff, because your God is an Awesome God. If you're in another country because that's where God will use you, then do what He asks, focusing on Him, not your circumstance, because your God is an Awesome God. If you find yourself getting something you didn't want, and finding yourself having to go somewhere you don't want to, trust that He has a purpose behind what's He's doing, and go where He's leading you, because your God is an Awesome God.

You have a call, a purpose, a direction for what He'll do through you. Now stop worrying about the extra stuff, seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness, let the other things be added unto you.

Because our God is an Awesome God.

And I shall start 2010 on that note :)

wednesday (penultimate)

2009-12-30T23:49:00.003+08:00

It's the penultimate day of 2009!
(because penultimate is a fun word :D)

everyone gets into this whole mood when the end of the year comes
this very... reflective mood.
Looking back on the past year
heh, I fell prey to it and looked through my past year in blog posts
(an unfortunate side effect is that now I'm getting sick of hearing my own writing in my head. Ah well.)
And I realise I have alot of things to thank God for

It's a good thing :) looking back on the things He has done, the mysterious ways that He's moved in our lives. It's a wonderful thing.
But the important thing here is not to get stuck on the past.
It reminds me of manna. And how God gave the Israelites manna.

Waaaaay back in February this year, I mentioned 'the message of manna', so I'm actually going to write it now :p

(it's coincidental. As I mentioned before, I'm in the midst of reading the Pentateuch again, and two nights ago I stumbled upon the chapter again)
Exodus 16 is where we read about God giving the Israelites manna.
(hai, one of those passages where there's a million an one messages and ways to view it (:)
But today, I'll focus on manna :D

The funkiest thing is what happened with the manna.
The Israelites were told to collect enough for one (that's right, 1) day. And every morning God would send some more for them, and every day they'd take enough for that day. But only for that day though, the next day, the manna would just, well, go bad. Maggots would suddenly appear in closed pots, and the food would be ruined.

I remember reading that passage when I was younger. Because I grew in church and all that. I also remember wondering how on earth could some bread thingy appear underneath dew that was perfectly edible? And with a terrible shelf-life.

Because the message of manna is this: God will give you enough for your situation. He will tailor it to your situation. He gives you enough for your situation, so you don't need to worry.

And also this, that manna was not meant to be stored. There are only instances where manna was stored and did not go bad. The first was on every sixth day. That's because on every seventh day they weren't supposed to go out and get some more manna, but to live off the double that they had gathered the previous day. On the sixth day they were told to gather twice as much, because it was to last them twice as long. And here we see what God means when He says He gives enough specifically for our situation. The manna that they saved up did not spoil because it was needed for the seventh day.

The second instance is this: when God told the people to take some and put it in a jar. These pieces of manna looked no different from the others, yet for some reason they never spoiled or had maggots, they were perfectly fine even generations down the road. Because these were the pieces of manna that would remind the people what happened in the desert, where God provided for their lack in a land of lack. Where they found plenteous supply.

(This is the cool part, where we bring the lesson from God-know-how-far-back BC into our lives now.)

Because as we look back in this year, we see God's mighty hand in our lives. I know in my life, in this year, I attest to God's faithfulness in a time of great distress. A C5 for Chinese is not a work of man, or of tuition teacher, but an act of God's hand. Revelations on leadership and learning to use my words again. I attest to a God who has provided for my situations, who has walked beside me and has never left my side.

I thank God for this manna, but I'm not about to keep holding on to it. Sure, there are the lessons, the testimonies, the promises, the pieces of manna I'll keep in jars to remind me years down the road. But I won't live on it. Don't live in yesterdays, or else you'll never see your tomorrows.

Your manna for yesterday is not designed to be kept for tomorrow. Your manna for this year is not meant to be kept for the next year. Your experiences this year? Remember them, but don't live in them.

We ready ourselves for years ahead because the years ahead are pretty big things.

Because greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done.

Philippians 3:13 tells us the key to finding the great things: "forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"

hmmm, this post seems floaty. I've been distracted. My bad.
Blessed new year friends :)

Greater things are yet to come.

a thanksgiving.

2009-12-28T04:57:00.000+08:00

I'm a sentimental guy.
There are times where I hate being a sentimental guy.
For example: when I tear after reading notes that people write for christmas and my birthday.
I teared up :/
Because there was one trend I really noticed and that was when people were mentioning that they were blessed by this blog.
It was never a main point. Never a "I WROTE THIS NOTE TO TELL YOU YOUR BLOG IS AWESOME" sort of thing. And that's good for me, because people are supposed to be touched by God first, then the words. It was always a side point :) but it means something to me.
Because I know my life is doing something here. There's something greater that's happening, a change, an impact, that will echo through eternity.
It really, really touches me. Because on nights where I'm up trying to get this message, this fire in my bones, onto paper and into words so it can bless others; times where people call in the middle of the night because they really need someone to talk to; random messages to people that somehow speak to them in their situations. I know that's it's worth it.
Knowing that in my life, God is glorified above all else, that's worth it.

It's never easy, but thank you, friends, for reminding me that it's worth it.

And so I'll keep writing :)

And God, this is my prayer, that through these words, may You touch hearts :) give me the strength and wisdom to keep at this, and let the letters, the chunks of text, lay the road and prepare the way for Your message to find it's way into the hearts of Your people. So that Your Name can be glorified in their lives.

Amen.

friday (oh Christmas)

2009-12-26T01:01:00.002+08:00

To begin with:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS
(no, I don't care if it isn't exactly your birthday, it's the thought that counts, right? :p)

I just wanted to say thank you for everything :)
everything. You make my life awesome.
Living one day without you would drive me so far into the darkness I'd lose myself to it.
so thank you :)

also: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY
I hope today was a day of happiness and cheer :D
heee
I was so taken aback by the number of presents and cards
THANKS FRIENDS
it meant the world to me :)

SO, on with today's random thought.
(which I'm trying to do in C. S. Lewis style. I'm hoping it actually goes okay :p)

If someone were to tell you that "well, drinking water's all well and good, but how is it going to quench my thirst?", then you'd probably reply that this man is either really slow or doesn't quite understand drinking water.

Again, if someone were to tell you that "well light is all well and good, but how is it going to help me see?", then you'd probably reply that this man is either really slow or doesn't quite understand light.

So when someone, good meaning people tell me that "well, God's love is all well and good, but how is going to add any purpose or meaning to my life?", then I'd probably say the person doesn't quite understand God's love.

Mind you, I don't mean understand God's love as in understand the inner workings of it. The very fact is that God's love is infinite, so it would take an eternity to understand it (which is actually what I intend to do when I get up there :) ). But one doesn't need to understand how the H2O molecules helps hydrate our bodies and act as the necessary medium for many bodily functions in order to understand that it quenches your thirst. And one doesn't need to understand how the light rays travel from the source to the rods and cones in your eyes to let you see. All you need to do is simply experience it. Then you understand what water or light does for you. And all you need is to experience God's love to understand how it lays out a lifetime for you. A lifetime of purpose, a lifetime of joy, a lifetime of peace, a lifetime of grace.

it's a short one, but it dropped in my head during service today :)

Jesus :)
the most beautiful Christmas gift.

StuffChristiansLike ripoff (#1)

2009-12-23T02:49:00.003+08:00

(original text found at http://stuffchristianslike.net/2009/12/9-words-that-changed-my-life)

9 words that changed my life

"Sometimes, hope hurts.

It shouldn’t. The phrase, “hope hurts” should be an oxymoron like “Lady Gaga gospel album.” But I promise you, it’s not.

Sometimes when you’re so deep in a season of hurt, you get used to the bad. You start to think you deserve it. You start to expect it and get comfortable with it and get numb to it. And like a creature that lives so far down on the bottom of the sea, you adapt to it. You cobble together little survival mechanisms that help you get through. You get by.

But hope is tenacious …

Even in the darkest of my days, when I’d journal about suicide and despair, a fragment of hope still bounced about softly in the dryer of my head. (When you’re married with kids and have lots of laundry to do, 42% of your metaphors and analogies become housework flavored.)

There was a problem though, there was a painful obstacle between me and hope. You see, I was so far down the path of hopelessness, I was so lost and selfish and bent on destruction that I found myself in a terrible lose-lose situation. For example: If my wife was kind to me, I felt hurt because she didn’t know how hurtful I was secretly being to her with porn and a cadre of lies that would have killed her. If my wife was mean to me, I felt hurt because she had been mean to me. Any way I turned, simply resulted in more grossness.

And that is one of sin’s goals. Not simply to remove the good from your life, but to have it actually serve as a weapon of mass destruction.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever felt completely unworthy when someone offers you love?

Have you ever been ashamed of the lies you’re living when someone offers you truth?

Have you ever felt undeserving of something good, because deep down, you believed that person wouldn’t really love you if they knew who you were?

It’s very possible that I’m the only one, and that’s OK. But I do need to tell you about the 9 words in the Bible that changed the way hope felt for me.

I’ve written about this before, but I’m a big fan of “edge verses.” I’m a big fan of looking on the periphery of a scene in the Bible and seeing all the deep truth that often gets hidden amidst a major scene. And in Luke 22 that certainly happens.

Jesus is on the threshold of getting crucified. He has the last supper with his disciples. He is sharing his thoughts on the father and the concept of serving and ruling. There is a sense of great importance heavy in the air. In the middle of that, he has a short conversation with Simon about how he is going to betray him.

It’s going to happen. Jesus knows this, but he wishes it wasn’t. He says to Simon in Luke 22:31-32:

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

And then, in 9 words, he explains a big part of the reason I thought a mess-up like me could be a Christian.

Jesus tells Simon:

“And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

That’s it, those are 9 really simple words, but they demand a second look.

Do you see what Jesus is saying in that first half of the sentence, And when you have turned back? He’s saying:

And when you fail.

And when you sin.

And when you blow it and sell me out like a common thief.

And when you literally and physically turn your back on me.

And when you ruin it all.

When you turn back.

That concept is part of why our God is so different than everything we expect. We can turn back. There’s a return. There’s a comeback. There’s a loss and a brokenness and a state of falling, but you can turn back. That door is open. When I read the phrase “And when you have turned back,” I read a loud, wild picture of what grace really looks like.

Then you get to the part that is so easy to miss, the comma. Thank God for the comma, because that’s not how I would have written that sentence.

Mine would have looked more like:

“And when you have turned back, repent for three years before you try to get within a mile of my holiness.”

“And when you have turned back, don’t think for a second you’re qualified to tell other people about me.”

“And when you have turned back, here’s a long list of works you’ll need to do in order to clean yourself of the mistakes you’ve made and the consequences you’ve earned.”

But Christ doesn’t do that! He throws in a comma. He continues the sentence and simply says, “strengthen your brothers.”

Four years ago I ruined my life, but you know what?

God gave me the gift of the comma.

And that’s why I write Stuff Christians Like.

I have turned back. Not once, not twice, but a million times. And now it’s time to strengthen my brothers.

I don’t know what you’ll get this Christmas for a present, but please know this, God wants to give you the comma. He wants to give you grace. He wants you to know that when you have turned back, you can still strengthen your brothers.

It’s time to accept the comma of grace."

(yeah, it's totally ripped off, but I realised this is the best way that people can understand how awesome SCL is :p)

notes (GREEN STALLION 5)

2009-12-22T23:44:00.003+08:00

SO HERE GOES.

After my 'HEARTFELT SPEECH' on the second night, you'd think that's all I had to say? WRONGGGG, of course there's more. I'm a man of sentimentality and words, so I like to blend the two. And without further ado, NOTES.

ASHLEIGH
I always remember what my first camp was like, being thrust into this weird environment. But my hope was this: if nothing else, that you've caught the IGNYTE culture. You understand why we do what we do. That's the most important thing. Not what we do, but why we do it :) and I hope you'll keep growing in God.

BRENDON
Hahaha, I finally got to see your more talkative side on the bus ride back. I'm very glad to see that you're making new friend in ignyte, because IGNYTERS are cool people. Yes we are :p it's exciting to think about all the things you'll learn in ignyte, the spiritual breakthroughs, the getting-to-know-more-about-God, so very much. You'll enjoy your ignyte experience, it's a given :D

CHARISSA
I could tell from pretty early on that there's a measure of spiritual maturity in your walk. And that's good! I know there's a foundation of God's Word in your life, a foundation of knowing about who He is. And my prayer is that He'll begin to move you more and more from the stage of knowing to the stage of doing, of acting. A movement from ideas to action :) because that's the way He works. So keep growing in Him, and let Him lead you to where He wants you to be, the things He wants you to do. It'll get uncomfortable, it'll get tough, but it'll be worth it, 100 and 50 percent worth it.

VICTORIA aka CHERRY
Now I finally know who's the girl that always plays with joie on sunday mornings after service :D hahaha, it's very nice to get to know you CHERRY. I'm very excited to see you grow in God :) btw, I still think you look like a cat. I just have this sense that God's calling you into a deeper, deeper relationship with Him. To more stuff :D to better stuff. To deeper relationship. And I really hope that you'll answer :) because it's amazing. Life with God is amazing :) I hope camp was good for you too!

ANDREW aka THE MALAY GUY
heh, second time with me, how's it? Hahaha, thank you for being garang and willing during camp :) And I know you desire to do more in church for God, and I say go for it! Don't be afraid to ask of God. You want to be an AGL or a GL? Ask Him. You want to be an SP? Ask Him. You want to know why nothing's happening? Ask Him. He's the one who's seen your entire life and knows exactly what you need to know, and then some. There's a big future out there for you friend.

VERA aka VELLA
VELLAAAAAAA. Hahahaha, I'm very glad that you were in my group, because I really haven't spoken to you in so long. Heh. I remember before camp I told you that I NEED YOU TO BE ONZZ ALSO. And I know you tried :D it's very encouraging to hear your desire to do more for God. I agree with it :) it's a good thing. I have no mystical word for you, but I do know this: never regard yourself as less than another. You are you. And it is not the works that define the person, but the person that defines the works. Go puzzle that out :) God bless vellaaa

STEPHANIE aka THE COOL PERSON
Hahaha, I'm genuinely so very excited for you. There's this point that everyone reaches when they're walking so perfectly in step with God's desire for them in that season. I get this sense that you're dropping slowly into this gigantic ocean that is God's love for you. It's not an immense drop, like off a sheer cliff, but a serious of moderately sized ones. A series of moderately sized breakthroughs, revelations, and most of all, experiences with Him. It gets better steph, it does :) there's alot in store for you :D

DEMI
heh, should have seen my sister's reaction when I first told her you were in my group. Anyway, I'm glad that you were. Thank you for really stepping up to the plate when needed :) and my honest hope is that you'll remember camp. That there's something inside that you'll keep safe and that you'll let grow.

AMY aka THE AGL
I know you spoke to me about your expectations before camp, and I hope that they were met :) I sensed that there was a fresh anointing being poured over your life, over your purpose in life. A new purpose, a new anointing to thrive in the new situation. There's a freshness about what He's doing in your life and my prayer is that you will not allow yourself to slip into stagnancy, but to flow in what He's trying to do. Maybe there needs to be a pouring out to accompany the pouring in, I'm unsure. But I do know that He desires to do something. Flow with Him.

SIS EMILY aka THE ADULT LEADER
Heh, who only showed up on the third day. I'm very very glad when you arrived :p haha, we didn't get alot of time to bond, but it's quite clear that you're someone who knows God well :) in a very close way. And some day I'd love to learn more from you :D as He guides lah. Heh.

I remember at one point I looked at the group and (since I like being honest :p), I thought 'huh. I'm the oldest guy. Three guys in the group. Then physical challenges how.' I thought that, and now I'm a little ashamed I did (male chauvinistic tendencies :p). But you guys, you guys rose to the challenge. I'm very, very proud of you. You guys surpassed my expectations. The individual sacrifices, the giving and taking, the bonding. It's valued. And I know that you've received something. Maybe not consciously received, but there's something special about availing yourself, 4 days of your life to let God do what He wants. Your spirit receives something. No matter how small, there is some kind of impartation.

I don't think there's coincidence :) I believe there was a purpose and a reason that God placed us in the same group. And I do hope that there's been an impartation of some kind. Our group has artistic talent, musical talent, use that for Him!

Oh yesh, and I wanna encourage you guys to sms each other, to keep the friendship. When we see each other during services, say hi! Wave lah! Be a friend. And not just that, but keep in contact :) message me if there's anything the matter. I hope by now you can tell that there's alot of stuff I wanna share, and if there's anyway I can help you in your walk with God, go ahead and ask :) cause I'm your friend. Yeah, I am :)

AND GUYS, I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THE FORFEIT. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, AHMA FLY!

GREEN STALLION 5 FTW!
Camp IGnormous 2009

tuesday (Camp IGnormous)

2009-12-22T21:18:00.002+08:00

Finally, back home, and it's time to outpour.

Oh so many many things to write about, but the fear is that if I don't they'll be too quickly forgotten.

So the first one, on the revelation of His love and about worship.
I remember the third day of camp. In the morning, we had the Tabernacle Experience, which, imo, was wonderful. I like it when careful studying of the Bible reveals the way God works, the way He enjoys working, the way He wants things to be done :p having something of a solid guide helps. And when we were in the second room, the room of just worshiping and lifting His name high, I was telling Him "God. I'm tired. Really tired. And feeling sleep-deprived. But I'll worship You. You're more than deserving." So that's what I did. And I got the sense that I sometimes get? That in my worship, it's like I'm hitting this invisible wall, like I'm pushing against some kind of curtain, trying desperately to get through to God. There wasn't that emotion, that 'wong wong' feeling that motivates the worship, just worshiping because He more than deserves it. And through the worship, He suddenly brought to mind a quote I read a while back, that 'the times of worship God loves the most are so very different from the times of worship man loves the most' (leave you to puzzle that one out)

And in the night service, God decided to show me what that meant. In the time of worship before P. Dom began his sermon, I was just telling God how much I loved Him. And looking back, I wasn't expecting anything. I just wanted Him to know. I just wanted Him to know that I loved Him so very very very much. And that was that.

So as P. Dom closed the time of worship, told us to sit down and take out our Bibles. And I had just begun to sit down and focus on what's next when suddenly it felt like God tapped me on the shoulder in that 'one more thing' way, and the next thing I knew there was just this outpouring of His love. So here I am sitting hunched on my seat, reaching down to take my Bible out from my bag, and suddenly tears start flowing. Thank God that at that moment P. Dom went back to singing. Could hardly sing though, my breathe kept getting caught in tears.

God loves to love :) never forget that.

The other lesson from camp:

We simply cannot lead without love. That's the way Jesus did for us while He was on Earth, the way the Holy Spirit does it with us now, and the way God will do it in Heaven. That's His style, yo. (yeah, I just had to talk about all three). He doesn't do anything except out of love. Everything He does, He does from a heart of love. Street Evangelism is hard, sure, because it requires you to do something that is uncomfortable. But once it's done from a heart of love, it gets easier. Suddenly, seeing the look in someone's eyes where your words aren't doing alot, but somehow God's using those words to carry His spirit into a person's heart. Being an SP is tiring. It requires you to care for someone else other than yourself, and not expecting anything in return. But once it's done from a heart of love, it gets easier. Suddenly you feel His heart to see your friend know Him more, and then you want it just as much as He does. Being a group leader is hard. But once you do it out of a heart of love, it gets easier.

I admit to trying to lead my group without love. But at the second service, God took me aside and said 'love before you lead'. That's the way He does it. Or else, what's the point right? Suddenly you lose sight of the individuals and only care for the group, the whole. And secretly, that's the way I used to think God viewed the church. 'Sure, He loves the group, but who's to say He loves me? Me in particular?' But He's taught me how to love the individuals first, then bother about the group.

I must add that we cannot scrounge up this love by ourselves. No mortal man can suddenly wake up one morning and decide to love God all of a sudden. We need to experience His First Love (and I believe many at camp did). John 3:16 (the most famous verse) shows the natural progression. God loves us first, not we loving Him, but He loving us. And not even in that 'yes, I know He loves me' way, but in a fresh way. It starts with a fresh experience of His love. That's how you love Him. He doesn't expect you to create some fresh love out of nothing, out of some forced emotion. No, that's the characteristic of a dictator, one who demands love from nothing. That's not God. It's a Newtonic thing. He gives us love first. That's how we love Him. That's the nature of love. An action of love which then creates an equal and opposite reaction of love.

Also: I love Jeremiah 33:3
"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

GREEN STALLION 5 NOTES IN THE NEXT ONE.

friday (so tired)

2009-12-18T03:15:00.002+08:00

there is so much inside my heart I want to spill out
but while the spirit is willing, the body is right now so freaking weak
I really do feel ready to collapse
people really don't understand that it takes effort to be a GL, to lead everything, not easy pls.

I'm leaving for a shopping trip in roughly 10 hours
will be back on the morning of the 22nd
will blog about the following:

GREEN STALLION 5 (ftw)
the revelation of His love
the principle of loving and leading
and Jeremiah 33:3

oh so much.

Just let me say how much I love You
With all my heart, I long for You
For I am caught in the passion of knowing
This endless love I've found in You
and the depths of grace the forgiveness found
To be called a child of God
Just makes me say how much I love You
Oh my Saviour, my Lord and friend

sunday (the birthday blessing)

2009-12-13T17:01:00.002+08:00

So yes, finally I shall reveal the reason behind the sixteen notes I wrote.

When I wrote the first one, it wasn't intended for anything. The Bible says 'out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks', and it was one of those times, when my heart felt the need to celebrate the friendships I had. But somewhere during tuesday, when it was just one of those moments of lying on the bed, letting your mind drift, just talking to God, and He asked me if I had a birthday wish. Maybe something I desired of Him, or a blessing for my life. My first reaction was "no, not really, I do think I have enough...". A few moments later, "actually, yea, I do. Could You bless Your people? If You have a blessing for me, my prayer is that You will pour it out amongst Your people, and that will be blessing enough for me." And He said okay.

So these are the reason for these 16 notes, 16 notes representing 16 years I've been on Earth, 16 friends who I asked God to bless. They know who they are, I've told them which note is for which person, and included hints within the stuff written that talks about different experiences we've had. These are the friends, the close friends, that I've asked God to richly, richly bless. Heh, if you want to know which person corresponds to which note, go ask them yourselves :) I'll keep my lips sealed.

So yes, the 16 of you, be blessed. I want you guys to know that I keep you in my prayers every night. Every time I sit down and seek God and speak with Him, I always lift you guys up in prayer. Find that breakthrough in God, and be blessed by Him so very deeply. If I can see all of you continue rising up, finding breakthrough in your battles, it will honestly be so much of a blessing. I love you friends. Very much. I can't find any new words to describe it (for all that I know, words fail me). You guys are an integral part of who I am, and (to kop someone else's words) truthfully, my life would suck without you. Thank you for your friendship, your words, and I just pray that He will bless you so richly.

Yes, and if you weren't one of the 16, please please please don't feel left out. It don't mean you're not my friend, I'm just too young :p there are honestly at least 30 more people that I also keep in my prayers every night but I couldn't fit them all in here. My prayer of blessing extends to you too. So if you're reading this post, if you're a friend of mine, be blessed :) amen.

No time, got to pack and do write-up for MIT and settle one last note (number 9's still missing, but for good reason) and get spiritually prepared for CAAAAAAAMP.
IGNORMOUS IS TOMORROW. GREEN STALLION 5 IS GONNA ROCK IT.
BE BACK IN 9 DAYS!

notes (16.)

2009-12-13T00:52:00.002+08:00

16.
I'm really tired from five in a row so please bear with me if it gets rambly. So yes, I've been really worried for you. The further and further you get from Him, the more it worries me. And when you doubt Him, you fight Him, I worry. Please find Him again. Please seek Him again. Please live in Him again. God misses you terribly.

(And that's done. I shall reveal the purpose tomorrow)

notes (13.)

2009-12-12T23:43:00.002+08:00

13.
It helps me to see you around :) and to see you grow. To me, you represent what I hope the next few batches of Ignyters will be. Rough around the edges, sure, but your heart is for God. That's the most important thing. If you want to know what will keep you in Christ, it will be caring more about God than about anything else in this world. Don't be pressured to be someone you're not, or to act like someone you aren't. Let your love of God be genuine, and that will be enough for God to use and make into things that are greater and beyond your imagining :) so be blessed my friend.

(BETCHA DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE COMING)

notes (5.)

2009-12-12T23:33:00.002+08:00

5.
Very often I genuinely wish I had all the answers for you. One thing I really really really want you to understand is that everything I say, it comes from an honest desire to see you breakthrough. Every time you say you desire for a breakthrough, please understand that I want that just as much as you do. When you say you want God to touch your life, I want that as much as you do. I really really really do. When you were telling me about your experiences over this year earlier this week, after you hung up I spent a few moments praying over you, because I want that breakthrough for you bro. And I know it's on it's way. I believe that to the core, to the bottom of my heart. Breakthrough is coming for you, and He will meet you. In time to come :) so don't give up on yourself. I've been there before, and 'ordinary' just isn't good enough. Living with God is extraordinary, amazing, astounding, words cannot express it enough because it's just words. I want you to know God as I do, and live life knowing Him that much and even more. That's real life.

(pillar or no pillar, I'm still your bro, yeh?)

saturday (beauty in the brokenness)

2009-12-12T22:36:00.003+08:00

(and back to your regular programming)

I hate getting photographed while I'm worshiping. As in, really. I never look good. I cannot. Because I'm an AC boy, I try to pose for photos (even when I'm not posing). And I enjoy worshiping with abandonment. With that "I honestly don't care about what whoever's gonna think, this is for God and God alone" attitude. At least, that's for the praise bits, and being photographed when you're jumping and your shirt flies up is NOT COOL.
But that's for fast songs I guess. Slow songs is worse. So very very much worse. Because slow songs, especially when it's an amazing move of God, half the time I'm on my knees crying/bawling my eyes out. And that's not glamorous friends. I remember a close friend of mine once commenting that she can't cry glamorously, and that she looks super unglam while crying. And another friend who hates crying because apparently her tear ducts hurt. Crying is not glamorous! Being broken before God is NOT GLAMOROUS. It's impossible. And when we're broken we look terrible to the world. And we feel, in a sense, pretty terrible.
But I'm a firm believer that there needs to be brokenness before breakthrough. Maybe not some TREMENDOUS crying thing, but some sense of being broken. Because, come on, breakthroughs require something to break, to be broken. Brokenness is that point of total vulnerability, total surrender, total humility. And when I was seeking God a few nights ago and the phrase 'Beauty in the brokenness' came to me. Because for all the terrible we look, to God, it's beautiful. It's surrender to Him, it's being vulnerable before Him, and it's beautiful.

Don't care what the cameras take, I choose to worship. Like King David when The Ark returned to Jerusalem. Taken from The Message translation, "Oh yes, I'll dance to God's glory—more recklessly even than this. And as far as I'm concerned...I'll gladly look like a fool." Because that's worship the way God likes it :) when it's truly just about Him and you, not about the eyes of the world.

A few more notes to go, going to try and finish them by tonight, then tomorrow afternoon I'll reveal the PURPOSE behind it all.

notes (15.)

2009-12-12T22:04:00.002+08:00

15.
So hey there. Heh. I do think I need more friend like you (and by that I mean, male). Heh. Whenever we have our random chats, I enjoy them alot. I still think you need more tutelage in the lameness though :p I think of you more as the back-up man, the guy I can count on. I get this sense that you're a very responsible guy, the type who will be there when needed. I know this one isn't a very long one, because my emotions are slightly tired :p hahaha, but I just want you to know that I'm very blessed by our friendship, blessed by your words of encouragement, and I really want to have more time to chillax and chat with you :D so find time in your schedule kay?

(heh, and as long as you're my friend, I will always remember the epic introduction given by theodore and I :p)

notes (12.)

2009-12-12T02:48:00.006+08:00

12.
HI FRIEND :) hahaha, I'm guessing you didn't expect to see yourself here. Hm. Okay, honesty time, I'm actually pretty unsure of what to put up here. It's not that you're not my friend, it's more like... hmmm... Okay, things you have to understand. 1, you're a good person. I see that very clearly. Blur, sure. A little silly, yea. But you've got a good heart, and you are the kind who devotes. You strike me as someone of devotion. That's just the way it seems to me. The things you devote yourself to, you do with a kind of deepness that isn't really self aware? You don't really say to yourself "alright, I'm going to devote myself to this". It doesn't strike me as that. It's more like a sub conscious thing. I'm digressing. It's late. Bear with me. 2, you're a busy person. I think the reason that I don't get enough time to talk to you is that you're a busy person. But I thank God for using me to speak to you :) and remind you about the important things. 3, there's alot I can learn from you. There's alot I wanna learn from you. And God will lead in His time. Keep me in the loop yo. 4, the latter will be greater. I'm not a big part of your life by any measure, but I do know this: your latter will be greater. Big things are on your way. Sure, tough roads, but hey, your latter will be greater. I sense it. It will :)

(oh yeah, and I did laugh at the irony of the choking on lifesaver thing!)

notes (10.)

2009-12-12T02:26:00.003+08:00

10.
So friend, I'm wondering how long it took you to get here. Anyway, not the point. I've been reading the pentateuch lately (two things. 1: which recess of the mind remembered what that was called? 2: which recess remembered how to spell it right the first time?), and when I read the first few chapters of Exodus, a thought struck me, 'hey, that does sound a little like him'. As I was reading it (and please remember, this is my interpretation, which has a much higher chance of being inaccurate than accurate), I kept thinking about Moses being an emotional man. At least, that's how it seems to me. I can't help but think about the link between young Moses and you. Moses had a habit of running. If life was a race, he strikes me as the sort who'd chiong. Who was impulsive, who acted on emotion, and who was ready to run fast, to chiong. He killed the Egyptian in an act of emotion, on impulse, and he went all the way on it, burying the body in the sand afterward. After killing the Egyptian, again, emotion, impulse, action and follow through, where he ran to Midian. When he sat down by a well, and some shepherds were harnessing innocent people, so Moses felt emotion, acted on impulse, and followed through. He came to the rescue of the people and then went on to water their camels. That's follow through. And when I read chapter 3, I keep thinking about how God speaks. Here was Moses, emotive, impulsive Moses, and God met him. And God speaks in chapter 3 in promises. He tells Moses about past promises, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and makes new ones, about what will happen in the future. And this is my prayer for you for camp. For the whole of the next few months in fact. To Moses' shifty, emotive-ness, God was the Rock, the promise giver that he needed. You've said it yourself, you're impulsive. And emotive. And that's what it seems to me, once you've decided on a course of action you will follow through. What I'm desiring for you is that you'll run the course He leads you in. I need you friend. There's the harvest field you know we're called to and I can't do this without you. I need your help. I do friend. So get on the right course, align your path correctly, and come along side me kay?

notes (14.)

2009-12-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

14.
Heh, I'm guessing that you saw this coming. And I'm guessing more than half the people on this list also saw this coming. Ah well, it's like a necessity. I was talking to bro aloy the other day in our room during MIT, and he reminded me that the greatest sign of unresolved issues is silence. Issues that are unresolved and untouched are unmentioned. And yeh, that's just the way it is. I'm glad that there's very little that's unmentioned and unresolved. In my honest opinion, it's a victory :) that we can joke without awkwardness. Heh. Of course, I get it. Like your comment recently, after we crossed the overhead bridge, before boarding the bus, about why you wanted to look for things on your own, I understand, mi comprende :) heh, I don't have any other words loh, you've heard them all already. Really, I'm sitting here trying to think of more to say and there isn't anything :p but share with me more kay. Take your time with it, but come on, share with me more. I wanna hear about what God's doing in your life, that's the exciting stuff anyway :p in time luh. Take care friend.

(wahhhh, I wish I could do these faster without compromising the quality. I NEED TO SLEEP.)

notes (11.)

2009-12-11T02:55:00.002+08:00

11.
These are tiring to write. So very tiring. But there's a deeper voice inside of me that speaks words that demand to be written. And I'm afraid that if I ignore it I'll lose these words. So forgive me if this will seem a little nonsensical, but there's a deeper voice speaking from the inside that should be heard. Yes. I treat you very much as an equal. I do wish that I spoke more to you, but it's difficult, because we aren't always on the same wavelength. Which amuses me, because we have enough friends that we connect well with, yet with each other there's a certain strangeness. Heh, we just see how time charts it's course lah. Regardless, I do have alot of respect for you. The Bible tells us not to judge people by our myopic or coloured views of them, but by their fruits. Because an apple seed cannot become an orange tree, nor an orange seed become an apple tree. And I know my views may be skewed, but I do see the fruits of your hand. I see the way God has been using your life and I know He's working in it. So this is my encouragement, my exhortation: never lose your supports. The people that help steady your life, the firm foundation that it's based on, don't lose those. As He grows in you, the world will begin to forsake you more and more, so don't lose those supports. I get this sense that you're a man of the people. Don't lose that. Act on the two greatest commandments, and you will be okay.

(that was a sucky ending. My brain is fried. My emotions are slowly being more silent. Hm. Should sleep.)

(but at least I'm roughly half done with all of these things.)

notes (6.)

2009-12-11T02:29:00.002+08:00

6.
It is tiring to write these. It is. It feels like getting water from a stone. Not that my heart is a stone, but that an orange that's been squeezed many times will yield less and less juice. And I don't want that. I want these to be honest expressions of the heart, not disjointed bits. And I worry that you get that impression about our friendship. I'm sorry that I'm not all the friend I wish I was, or that I was. I really am. I'm desiring for a breakthrough for you. Because I get the sense that you're stuck on the same area you've been stuck at for so long. I confess to thinking that. But these few weeks has shown me that you're still in Christ, still growing in certain areas. And as long as your are there is hope. There is hope for a difference in your life. God knows I hate being tough on people, I hate having to hurt people. But if this causes you to wake up your idea a little, then it'll be worth it. Know this: I want so, so much to see you breakthrough. To go deeper, to another level. It's my desire for you. And I'll keep praying for it to happen. I know you can friend. It's not too far or too hard for your reach.

(don't hate me :p you're my friend, and please understand that I do love you)

(still more to come)

notes (2.)

2009-12-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

2.
In truth, I'm writing this while talking to you, but only posting it later tonight after you disappear :p because when you talked to me today somehow I found the emotions necessary to write this. When I think about our friendship, I'm thankful for three things. Firstly, I'm glad that you're still in church. That you love God, and that you know God loves you, and that you know that's the important bit, you're just working out the kinks. Secondly, that you have awesome friends. By that I mean the Two that I know I can always trust to make sure that you're doing okay and are not being overwhelmed by stuff. The Two that I really respect and know will keep you safe. I'm very thankful for those Two. Thirdly, that we're okay. It would suck if we weren't :p and I understand if the Two get worried, but at least I know in my heart that I'm okay with you. That we're okay. And I'm so very, very thankful for that.

(knowing you, I'm expecting a you to ask me if it's really you :p cause you're blur like that)

(oh yes, and I trust the Two understand this isn't something bad. You Two should know I do respect and feel the need for your opinions.)

notes (7.)

2009-12-10T01:39:00.003+08:00

7.
well I did feel really bad keeping up the charade. And before you ask, no I didn't think this up in replacement for me not going, I was planning on writing this yesterday night, but I was too emotionally drained to. And secretly, I do hope you don't get annoyed that I won't be there today. Ah well, you know me. Anyway, I'll be honest here. I do put alot of effort into our friendship. But it's because I know how it feels to be on the outside looking into places you've been before and desiring to be there again. I know it. I know how it feels to feel peculiar. And I know there's alot about you I don't understand. I don't. I'm not able to see with your eyes or hear with your ears or think with your mind. But I know what I see. I see the light in your life. I see that hope, that light inside. And it fights with the darkness in your life. I don't know if it's an uphill or downhill battle, but I do know this. I'm your friend. And that means I'll do what I can to help that light shine brighter, to shine brighter. And push back all the darkness tries to do.

Because I believe in happy ever afters, friend.

(hahaha, and if I'm still asleep, drop me a message. See you when we get back :) )

notes (8.)

2009-12-09T03:14:00.002+08:00

8.
Second one in a day, so forgive me if it's not up to par. But imo, emotions and emotions and I'll just let them flow. I think there are alot of similarities between us. It's hard to figure out exactly what it is, but I have a theory. As per the Myers-Brigg personality type test, I don't really think people fall directly into pure Thinking or pure Sensing, I think everyone's a curious blend of both. And I think that somehow your blend of sensing-thinking is similar to mine as well as someone else's. The person that I believe really helped to speak into your life and who has spoken very strongly into mine as well. I think she's that same blend of sensing-thinking too, which is the reason why there's that mutual link. But I'm glad that God's chosen me to speak into your life. I'm really really glad that He has. Aiyah, it's very hard to pin down, but there's a similarity in the spirit that tells me there's a purpose behind God choosing to place me in your life and I'm very glad for that. I need friends I can rubbish or just chillax with, and that was what I was thinking about when I was staring at the ceiling at that place the day that you left. I kept saying that I love that feeling, and I do. Just chilling with mah peeps, I thoroughly enjoy it :) and I know this friendship is God-planned, so you won't be getting rid of me too soon. Heh. Take care friend.

(I'm rushing because I have a schedule to keep. I think I'll only reveal the purpose behind this whole thing when I'm done with the final one. Come back okay friend.)

notes (3.)

2009-12-09T03:02:00.003+08:00

3.
There are no words that I can write here that you haven't heard from me at least 27 times already. In fact, putting you up here is near arbitrary, you know you'll be up here sooner or later. Anyway, alot of the things you do still amuse me. When you flip from your serious side to the one I know quite well. Your (many) idiosyncrasies, your OCD, the inside jokes we have, the phrases we say too often, the phrases I say too little, aiyah, there's alot lah. No point listing it out anyway. Take care of yourself friend. There are too many well-wishes to be expressed in words, but you do mean alot alot alot to me, and I honestly think I'd have trouble living my life if I didn't know God was watching over you.

(and because I enjoy breaking the fourth wall, I'm guessing for this to be the most obvious one)

tuesday (MIT)

2009-12-09T00:48:00.004+08:00

So, MIT

There's so much.

There's honestly so very very very much to write about that I don't know where to begin.
It's been an insane three weeks. Really insane. I'm not used to having to wake up early so often. Just the whole atmosphere of fellowship with friends, and knowing that I'm doing ministry and impacting the nations, doing the things God called us to in The Great Commission? That touches my heart. That affirms me.

If you've asked me about the trip then you've probably heard this already, but here it is again anyway.

I was and still am genuinely surprised by how filled I feel. We went with an honest and genuine desire to give and give and give, to minister to the best of our abilities or our availabilities. We went in desiring to be poured out. And poured out we were. Every day we were stretched a little, put on the spot a little, having to be on high alert and in constant prayer. It was really different. We were on high alert, and wary of every thought in our heads and every word we said. It's really different. I mean, coming home, the past day has been so different. I find myself aching for that same sense of Spirit around me. Having it all around you for so long, you get used to it. And not having that strong sense of Him near makes me hunger for it.

Every day we poured out, but every day we were filled. As I posted just before I left (number 14.), the math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funny. When we give in the right heart and the right spirit, we receive so much. Oh it's so hard to express into words because english is a language of logic and the whole idea of this defies the concept of human logic. But as far as I can say, I have never gained so much by giving. It blows my mind. I don't understand it. I don't. But I feel filled, even though I've been emptying myself. So very strange.

And of course, there is so much we've learnt from the thai people. So much that it's hard to describe. But that fire and that passion is a heartbeat I'm still carrying. Seeing the way God moved, it was amazing. The testimonies of His Love and Faithfulness astound me.

It's not enough though.

I still don't feel that that's enough.

And that is why I've already set my expectations for camp. I mean sure, it would be wonderful if God could tell me which subject combination to take in year 5, or where to go after year 6, or how to get the prayer group firmly going, but that isn't my main expectation.

My main expectation is to give. That God would let me give. That I could bless my youth ministry, that they would receive from God and grow. That God would use me to pray for others. That's my main expectation. I'm going into this camp not to receive, but to give. And if He desires to give, then thank Him for that.

One lesson I've learnt from the past three weeks is this: when it comes to street e, don't make such a spiritual thing about it. I mean yes, it is a spiritual thing, and one should be prayed up and ready and sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit throughout. But if you're so restricted inside this only between me and God thing that it inhibits you from reaching out, then there's a problem. During the many different street e times, I would ask God "who do you want me to talk to?" And He'd answer "anybody, it doesn't matter. Whoever you talk to, my Spirit will guide you. Just throw yourself out there, let me use you."

Once again, please use discretion when listening to the stuff I'm writing here. There is truth in what I said, but don't rely on what I say, it's full of holes anyway. Listen to what God says.

Ah MIT team, how I miss you guys.
You don't spend every waking moment of 8 days with the same 17 people and don't form some sort of bond.
The van randomness, fruit salads, acapella singing, praying together, laughing together, eating together, I honestly hope never to forget it. It really felt like we were a team, watching each others back, keeping each other in prayer and on alert. It felt good. I miss you guys man.

ah yes, but greater things are yet to come
greater things are still to be done in this city.
I believe that.

Oh yes, and if you're reading this, please pray for me. I've been having alot of trouble sleeping ever since I've gotten back from MIT. Not difficulty falling asleep, just that my dreams have been... disturbing. Just a short prayer would be nice :) thanks friends!

monday (back)

2009-12-08T01:37:00.002+08:00

yep, I'm back

thank God so much for the ministry done, all glory to Him :)

would have blogged earlier but I was so caught up with camp stuff.

I had four hours of sleep last night, my mind is wandering.

Will post properly and with proper tributes to all the MIT members tomorrow
(it really feels like family, seeing those people every waking moment for 8 days)

anyway, I can't really say that I missed you guys
because honestly speaking, I didn't let my mind wander to home and what's going on in Singapore.
I knew if I started I'd be too consumed with emotion.
Like the night where P.Da told us to call home and make sure our parents knew we were okay.
Spent the rest of the night worrying about them :(
and having that weird centre-of-chest-missing-you emotion.
yeh.

But I prayed for you guys every night :)
and told God I'll trust Him to keep you safe until I get back

and thank God He did :)

right, more tomorrow!

monday (here we go)

2009-11-30T06:57:00.002+08:00

Well, this is it

Be back in a week. Keep the whole team in prayer if you can :)

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

All to thee, my blessed saviour
I surrender all

sunday (before leaving)

2009-11-29T23:12:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

It's Your son gideon here again.

I really should be asleep by now, but You know me. I get so caught up in myself that I don't let You have Your way. I think it's really funky how you make stress a weird emotion? Like, it's not really an emotion that I can sense suddenly or be very clear about it. Why'd You make it like that anyway? I don't get it.

Anyway, I'm here because... because I'm terribly afraid. Somewhere inside gideon sees this... all this. His expectation of the kind of person he has to be to do Your work, the kind of stuff he's going to have to do. And he's terribly afraid. Because he knows he's not enough. Because he knows his pitfalls, his weaknesses, his inadequacies. His tremendous inadequacies.

But. You are. God I know You are enough. I'm inadequate. Tired. So very very tired. Oh but God, every morning you fill me with enough to face the day, and every day I find myself drained again. And I know that you've toughened me, brought me through fires to mold me and give me strength. So that I'm strong enough to withstand being filled and emptied. But it doesn't seem to me that way. I still feel weak. I still feel that at any moment, I can snap under the pressure and break all over again. I need you desperately. Desperately.

I need You. Because You're more than the sum of all I can possibly be. Because You are You and I need You. I need You.

I need You. I can't do this on my own. I need You.

And You are, more than enough for me.

Will be back in one week. Take care everybody!

notes (4.)

2009-11-29T02:22:00.000+08:00

4.
It really is incredibly emotionally draining to write this thing. How exactly can one pull up that much out of one's emotions to write and put emotions and sentiments and feelings into heartfelt words that can be understood? It's weird to say that I miss you. Because I know it's really so much worse for you. But I do (in my selfish way) I do miss your company. I miss your laughter, however funky it is. I miss your mock angry look while you entertain my retarded comments (mouth initially half-open, eyes trying to be fierce, pretty quickly the edges of your mouth break into a grin, so you stop yourself from outright laughter with some sardonic comment, some varient of "you dare?"). I miss you friend. And it's exactly because I haven't forgotten you that I miss you; and it's because I miss you that I don't forget you. I try not to make promises that I might break, so I'd better try pretty darn hard when I say that I won't forget you. I do need you to know that you're pretty deeply missed, but I also need you to know that our friendship is strong enough. It's strong enough, covenantal enough, that it will remain. It will stay. And I need you to know that where you are is right where He needs you to be. And to let my selfishness, our selfishness, infringe in His Will is something we'll never allow ourselves to do. So take root there, and keep growing. So when we meet again our heartfelt, selfish desires might be met in His time, on His conditions, in a manner that will be miles and mountains more satisfying and enriching than in our own. So though this request is selfish, please keep growing where you are.

(also, this may be the most serious thing, ever, that I have ever written to you :p incredible contrast to the shoe poem of old)

(oh yes, and to you, casual reader, it probably isn't you)

saturday (epiclong again)

2009-11-29T01:26:00.002+08:00

(scrounged up every random thing I scribbled on paper or on twitter over the past week and shall now blog expanded versions of it)

1. (this thought came during bro kahfei's sermon last sunday on parables)
We are like a lamp on a stand. And they say lamps need oil for burning. In the case of our walk, the oil of the lamp is faith. And when oil comes into contact with heat, can it decide not to combust? Can it decide to remain indifferent? In the same way, when new faith comes into contact with God, that catching of fire is an unconscious effect.

2. I love the opening verses of 1 Corinthians 13. Before one of the most oft-quoted verses on what love is (love is patient, love is kind...). They speak about why love is so important. "If I speak in the languages of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. " The verse basically speaks about the difference between acting with love and acting without love. And there's alot of truth in that. You can see it in the story of Job. Take some time to really, really analyse what they say, and you'll realise that Job's friends spoke more like labeling diagnoses on a sick patient then discussing the life of a friend. And that's what makes the difference between something that is merely 'going through the motions' and something that really touches hearts. Love. Love makes the difference.

3. The very face that the word 'gospel' stems from old english gōd spell, meaning 'good news', is a pretty important thing. Because the nature of news is to be told. No publishing company makes newspapers to be buried underground, or to be never read. The nature of 'news' is to be known, to be made known. That's why CNN and BBC has their own twitter feeds. Why newspapers appear at my doorstep every morning. And why there's always time on tv dedicated to telling people the news. Because the nature of news is to be known. I don't think you necessarily need a missions call to go and share with people about God. I don't even think you need to be specifically told in a vision or a dream that you should. You are a Christian, therefore, you are qualified enough, you are called to.

4. Look at Moses' burning bush encounter and you will realise this: you need to throw down your staff before it can become a snake; you need to throw down what you have in front of God before He can make a miracle out of your life.

5. MIT makes you tired. But you only feel the effects when it's over, when the training is done and you're on your way home, that's when it sets in. When it's 8 in the morning and you've caught 4 hours of sleep, that's when it sets in. But not all the time. Some mornings, you walk out of the house to beautiful azure blue skies and a light breeze blowing, rocking music in your ears, and it feels like God got creation to say 'hellooooo', just to brighten the morning :)

6. Any place of battle can be a place of miracle, can be a place of great victory, can be a place of great testimony.

7. I like the way C. S. Lewis talks about morality and ethics. He mentions that morality can be thought about in three sections. "Firstly, with fair play and harmony between individuals. Secondly, with what might be called tidying up or harmonizing the things inside each individual. Thirdly, with the general purpose of human life as a whole." His analogy is really good, he likens the human race to a band. Of course, each individual instrument must be in tune, and each instrument must know when to start playing and when to play what. And of course, the whole performance would not be a success if they were hired to play a dance number and ended up playing Battle Hymn Of The Republic. Or if it were a fleet of ships, it is important that each ship be kept well tuned. Of equal importance is that each ship knows to keep in formation. The fleet would get disrupted if ships were getting in each others way and colliding all the time. In fact, they are equally important because lacking one often causes lacking in the other. If each ship is internally malfunctioning, sooner or later it will break formation with the other ships. And if one ship is already out of formation and colliding with the others, it will soon be damaged and in need of being repaired. And, of course, there's no point if the destination of the fleet is new york yet it ends up in Calcutta.

C. S. Lewis FTW anyone?

8. Spiritual attacks suuuuck. Suck tremendously. Terribly. Horribly. Mosted definitely. Some days it really seems like every faucet of life is an aspect the enemy's trying to get at me at. But God is stronger. And that's a fact.

9. I like the way P. Dom deconstructed 2 Corinthians 10:3-6. That thoughts become arguments become pretension become strongholds. Thoughts are... passing ideas. Passing blocks of ideas that go through one's mind. But if we aren't careful, those thoughts can become arguments. Arguments that are a collection of thoughts, that are ordered and have some sense of structure, and that creates statements of a proposed fact. And then arguments form Pretension, which creates self-fulfilling proposed statements. That sort of rose-tinted-lenses that cause everything to be seen in a certain light. And those Pretensions finally lead to Strongholds. The thoughts are the bricks that build strongholds.

Oh yes, I thought and wrote all this during the SP empowerment. Was scribbling furiously before the thoughts ran out of my head.

It relates also to my personal theory of the God-Thought-Ratio. The idea of comparing how much one thinks about God, about the (many) things of God, compared to other thoughts. Because beneficial thoughts about God often mean building to the stronghold of who God is in your life. A little complex, but please take this collection of ideas in the correct way. kthx.

10. Gid is inadequate. God is more than enough.

It's a repiphany. An epiphany I've had before, and am having again.

11. cool haiku
I love God alot.
Mostly because He's awesome.
And that He loves me.

heh.

12. I love street e. It's so fun. If I am tired before going into it, I find myself pretty passionate after it. Sharing my heart makes me feel.... onzzz.

13. I do think love is a universal language. Even if we're rusty in the different kinds of love languages, it's a universal language. It spans cultures and countries, it's spoken and heard throughout the world. Yet, it's surprisingly hard for people to speak it to someone they don't know. Why is that? Nobody needs to feel a certain emotion in order to speak english. And some might say it's because the language of love often causes emotion. Well, Chinese causes certain bad emotions in me, but I don't need to be in a particular mood in order to speak it. (oh yes there are flaws in this argument, but it's 2.15 in the morning, let me off the hook)

14. One of the core verses that I live my life by is Proverbs 11:25. It reads "...he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." And I love that. I believe that. I see and feel it every day. The math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funky. It says: 100-100=200. It says that giving is, in itself, receiving. And that's why, as michy pointed out to me the other day, love is a choice. And when people wonder whether or not they love God? They should ask themselves, 'what would I do if I did?', and then go out and do it. Because although one thinks that by doing that, one is subtracting from that love of God to do His work, in fact, that act of subtraction adds to that love. It increases the love for Him. Weird I know, but also very cool. And it's also why I do try to give to others. And share my life, my heart. Because I know in refreshing others, I myself am refreshed.

15. Aside from typing out something epiclong, I am also epictired. Will be away in Thailand from this monday till the next, and I know that when I'm back, I'll have many many testimonies to share :) hope this feeds your curiosities till then.

(oh, and if you're wondering about the number things, yes they are emotionally draining, which is why I do them one at a time, and no, the numbers themselves have no significance. There is no special code in the number.)

Right, night.

In awe of the One who gave it all.

notes (1.)

2009-11-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

1.
it struck me the other day just how long I've known you. Like really, count it for a moment, think waaay back, it's a good long time (back in the small, small, white-gloved days). But what really struck me was how alot of our friendship is characterized by the silence in the talking. We talk alot. We're talkative people :p but what struck me was how often there's something more in the talking. Sure it's random, sure it's amusing, but there's a kind of philia love that pokes through the chatter. Through the randomness and laughter, there's a friendship there. It's not very loud, in the sense it's not a friendship that's openly publicized, but it's a strong one. And I'm glad you know you're my friend, my close friend, and that I will always strive to be there. To be there for the silences, when words aren't important. I'm glad you're my friend.

(and yes, this was what I meant when I said look out for number 1)

friday (thoughts)

2009-11-20T23:12:00.002+08:00

Love is a choice, not an emotion. I stand by that statement. But it is not as if that choice stands without emotion. The choice doesn't always start in emotion, but when choice is kept long enough, the emotion has a habit of arising. Not in every moment, lest we regard the emotion higher than the choice, but sometimes, the determination behind the choice gets rewarded with a burst of emotion so strong it wells up in your chest, as if your heart was trying to express itself in something more meaningful than words or actions. And sometimes it's just a simple, simple warmth, from the smallest, smallest things. Because when you choose to love someone, you choose to let that person mean more to you than you do to yourself.

wednesday (skype sandwich)

2009-11-19T23:09:00.002+08:00

monday (epiclong is long)

2009-11-17T01:58:00.003+08:00

1. am so so so so so very glad that the Ignyte's Got Talent drawing went off without a hitch (and that Jesus was looking straight). If I may say so myself, I think Jesus was rocking a pretty awesome 'stache. And now that it's over, I'm no longer 'sworn to secrecy'! CAN I JUST SAY, charcoal is really freaking hard to contain. It gets on everything it touches. Annoying to a fault. Also: I have loads of extra papers in my house containing that one sixth of Jesus' face. Ah well.

2. MIT MIT MIT MIT MIT WHOOOOO. 30th November till the 6th of December. I am honestly so very very excited and happy about it :D I enjoy times where God uses me. My expectations are pretty simple: Be used by God. Have to be uncomfortable. But it's (as always) very very worth it.

3. Doing a flashmob in church would be awesome.

4. I realize I have a tendency to lament on how I spend my time. I blame it on my brain's natural tendency to whittle things down into numbers and figures.

5. Sitting in His presence after service (or as I like to call it, the Lingering) always brings cool revelations. Like why I love His Lingering Presence so. Because those moments are where we really don't have to push or press in. Where it's not that roughness, that hardness of determination, but it's a softness and quietness of His graceful presence. And that is just awesome cool.

6. I think God prefers to work out our issues of pride just between us and Himself. All quiet like. There's a world of difference between humility and humiliation. Humility means not having false pride or overstated pride, whilst humiliation means losing self-respect. And although humiliation can lead to humility, humiliation is not humility, and the road between the two is really quite painful. So unfortunately, sometimes He does have to give us the swift kick to our behinds in view of others. More often than not, it's because that 'self-respect' that we need to lose might be the 'false pride' that's slowly killing us. The main point is: humility is never fun when we're being arrogant.

7. I do struggle with pride sometimes :/ which also means it's something I think alot about. I think I could write alot about pride. But not now.

8. I haaaate the lie that tries to confine God to one area of my life. I think I lived something like my first 12 years of church like that. Which is one of the good things about ignyte: it reminded me that God is God over my whole life, not one segment. God cannot be tamed. Or owned by religion. If you're worshiping God whilst keeping Him in a segment of your life, it's not wholehearted, and it's not everything that He wants. The more we try and tame God to one section, the more we stop worshiping God, and the more we start worshiping this imaginary, tamed object of our imagination. But trust me, that revelation when God begins to take influence in the rest of your life? When He starts to really, really take root in who you are? Best feeling.

9.

"... [this] idea of God "making religion simple": as if "religion" were something God invented, and not His statement to us of certain quite unalterable facts about His own nature.
-C. S. Lewis Mere Christianity

10. Yea, I've been reading that book.

11. I really think it's quite scary when you realize that fact. That God is unalterable, eternal. He deals in absolutes. That's Him. He deals in Eternity. Where things remain the same. Absolute. That's what He should be dealing with. An Eternal being should deal with eternal things. Yet when He begot Jesus, He made Himself fully man as well, meaning He became a creature of time. The One who dealt with absolutes dealt with the flimsy, the fickle. And the Eternal God is willing to work with something so prone to change as human choice, or free will, or, most bafflingly, grace. Grace is illogical, and that's what makes it so very beautiful.

12. I love the loud moments I spend with friends. And I love the quiet moments I spend with God. I am very very very glad that He has taught me how to enjoy being alone with Him. I do think that is the point of the occasional loneliness; after venting out all our frustrations over not being able to be with others, we suddenly realize that His company is actually pretty awesome. Then we start dwelling in it more, and that foundation of love for Him (built upon the even stabler foundation of His love for us) is where the rest of our ministry can be built upon.

13. So long as one regards love as emotion, then it becomes something temporal. Subject to change, to moods, to times, to seasons. Passing fancies for, say, a particular dance craze or a song change often enough that entire industries are built on that. And if love is a feeling, then you can fall into it, and fall out of it. But if one regards love as a choice, then it becomes something more than emotion. It becomes something stepped outside emotion. And if that choice is reinforced with determination, it becomes something eternal. Once one applies determination to an emotion, it becomes a choice, for it is a conscious decision to apply that determination. Choices, on the other hand, can be made into something more persevering, something stronger, more durable, when we strengthen it with our determination. And that's how I understand love. As a choice.

14. Consequently, I do believe that infatuation is to love what anger is to hatred. It's the difference between an emotion and a choice. Being angry with someone can pass in time. But once one applies that determination to sustain that anger, that is the point that it begins to turn into hatred. And in the same way that the strength of that hatred is dependent on one's determination to be angry, the strength of love is dependent on how determined you are to sustain it.

15. I really really really want to sleep. I need my sabbath, my rest day. 5 in a row in church, it can get a little tiring. And after this Day of Rest, comes another 6 in a row. But it's my choice, my decision, my expression of love. All for Jesus luhh.

ALSO, I know most of the people that read this blog probably don't have the kinda cash to throw around, but if you've got some, please donate to Stuff Christians Like, they're trying to raise funds to build a kindergarten in Vietnam. We have the benefit of a good education system, please help the people there. If you're worried about it being a scam, well, I've checked it out and everything looks in order, so it's got my personal guarantee that the money will go where is should. Please donate if you can.

pop (quotes)

2009-11-09T23:59:00.002+08:00

"You have just enough time to do God's will. If you can't get it all done, you're either doing the wrong thing or doing it the wrong way"
-Rick Warren

"For I was not writing to expound something I could call 'my religion,' but to expound 'mere' Christianity, which is what it is and was what it was long before I was born and whether I like it or not"
-C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

sunday (collection of thoughts)

2009-11-08T23:59:00.000+08:00

1. On the topic on the power of the tongue: If God made the Heavens and the Earth and basically everything with mere words, and if we are made in God's image, then surely our words have the power to create too. Maybe not physical objects, but the power of the tongue can be used to create friendships, trust, faith or courage.

2. Can you imagine the kind of grace God gives us? If His words have the power to change all creation with the merest whispers, why are we exempt? If He tells rocks to burst out in song, they will. If He tells the sky to turn green and the clouds pink, they will, the moment it leaves His mouth. But He gives us the power to choose. He makes us an exception to His ultimate, unlimited rule. He gives us the power of choice, to choose between whether or not we want to obey what He says. Even more, He the power of free will means there are times where He speaks and we're too busy to listen. Get that? We can choose not to listen. The voice that all the universe finds irresistible, that they simply have to obey, we're given the grace to ignore. Think about that the next time He speaks.

3. Oftentimes the kind of issues we face can be grouped into two categories: the internal and the external. But within the internal, the self-contained, the ways in which it gets resolved can be further grouped into two ways. Sometimes, the issue is resolved first in your heart, then the change is shown through action. Sometimes, it's the other way around, and the very action in itself shows the way in which the heart has been changed. It's two different things. The first is a scenario where the change in action is involuntary, due to the change in heart. The second is a scenario where the change in heart is done in that course of action, in that change in actions. Of course, that's just my theory on things. Maybe in truth both are the same, where the change in action is the final phase of the change in heart (which actually corresponds with both possibilities)

4. I'm reminded that God loves to have me in His presence. Today, after altar call, I got to do my very favorite thing in service: just sit there in His presence. I'm serious, so very often I just want to sit down during altar call because standing feels too... formal? Sure, sometimes I'm meeting God my King and I find myself on my knees; sometimes I'm meeting God my Lord in that posture of worship; but sometimes I'm just discussing my life with God my best friend. And just sitting in His presence... it feels right that way. Today it was just God ministering not with words, but just with His presence. Just being so happy with God my Father. And when I said 'God, I have to go, I need to eat with my cell', I felt a pang of sadness. Truthfully, I don't know how much of that sadness came from me, and how much of that was His sadness that I had to leave. But I did know He was sad. I hate having to leave His presence :/ really really really. It sucks so bad. I felt the change the moment I stepped out of the chapel and it was like... sigh.. ah well.

5. can't wait for CAAAAMP. The main reason why I advise people to go for camp is because that is where you understand so much of the Ignyte culture. You'll understand what we do. Even better, you understand why we do what we do. Not to mention the life-changing experiences with God. Not kidding, life change. I remember PDa mentioning at SP empowerment that one of the amazing things about ignyte camp is how much of the publicity is driven by the members themselves. You just need to say 'youth camp' and people will start whoo-ing. Go if you can!

6. weekend in church is awesome. God is awesome.

saturday (+God)

2009-11-07T23:05:00.002+08:00

(I've made a deal with myself to stop limiting what I put here. If it stays in my mind long enough, or, conversely, if it feels like the sort of thought that will fly away again if I don't pin it down, I shall blog it up)

The very essence of a God-filled life is to be seen and felt and infectious in it's very nature. When it fills you to overflowing it can't be helped. It gets out. And people notice (whether they like it or not). It's not something you control. It's a light. A city upon a hill. And within that God-filled-ness means coping when times are tough.

To be honest, I love being discontented. A good kind of discontented, where you're glad with what God has given you, but you want more. It makes you yearn more. Be more desperate. So I find it weird sometimes when people say that their bleakness and loneliness or their stuff is getting in the way of God. Okay, it's true, half the time it's stuff that you can't change or can't change simply in that moment. But there are times where all you need in that situation is that little bit of God.

You see, bleakness and desperation? Best time to go to God. Take that whole load of issues you're struggling with, place it at the altars, say 'this is too much for me God, You help me fix it', then you stay as He helps you through. It's the best time. I'm not kidding, it's the best time. Take that to God, and prepare for miracles.

SIMPLIFIED FORMULA:

BLEAKNESS + TROUBLES + PROBLEMS + MOUNTAINS + STRUGGLES + EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS WRONG = PAIN + SUCKINESS

BLEAKNESS + TROUBLES + PROBLEMS + MOUNTAINS + STRUGGLES + EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS WRONG + GOD = MIRACLES + JOY

ME < ENOUGH

GOD > ENOUGH

(am math nerd)

Spending the whole day in church is actually loads of fun :D

friday (lists)

2009-11-06T23:43:00.002+08:00

(taking a page out of miss pillowclutcher)
a list of things that make me happy

Small things like chocolate. And seaweed that doesn't flake everywhere. When my internet decides not to die halfway through msn conversations. God. Not having to sleep because my next day is free. Getting loads of sleep when my body crashes on me. Not being bugged by my parents to go sleep (even if it IS 5 in the morning). God. Being with the people in my life that make me smile. Late night conversations in half-conscious states. Having free incoming calls. God. The innumerable fun/crazy/generally retarded things 4.11 does. Watching the sunrise after a long night. Being there for people when they need me. God. When people get touched by God after I act in obedience. When this blog stirs someone to thought and grow just a little in their walk. Ice cream. God. The smell of rain. The still of the night. Warm showers in the morning after sleeping in a cold room. God. Ignyte ministry. Being on stage serving. That moment where I capture a stray thought. God. Reading a book I've read before and seeing things from a different perspective. Playing MAO. Finally completing that elusive achievement in any game. God. When God ambushes me with His Love or His Grace or just His amazing presence when I least expect it. Being able to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. Having my past left in the past. God. When the first lines of a poem enter my head. Eating Lavender food court wanton noodles. Watching whose line is it anyway. God. Making a whole string of really bad jokes. Doing Sudoku. Brain puzzles that are solved with a flash of brilliance. God. Reading. The experience of meeting new people that are nice. Knowing someone means it when they acknowledge your friendship. God. Sharing. Laughing. Living. God.

Sunday (Saviour)

2009-11-01T23:31:00.003+08:00

A short post today
I'm very tired
poking my brain to squeeze out the funny

I love this song
and I think it befits communion weekend :)

Saviour - Hillsong

A Saviour on a hill dying for my shame
Could this be true?
Defies the world I see
Yet this is all my heart was longing for
To know You my Lord
To know You Lord

You deserve
You deserve
You deserve all the praise

The heavens wept for You
The earth cried out "Could He be the One?"
For You so loved the world
You gave Your only Son to say
I love you so
Oh how I love You so

Hallelujah to the King
Hallelujah we will sing forever

And all humanity
Aches to find this beautiful love You give
We come to You again
To offer up our lives
To worship You alone
To worship You alone

will come back with a better, longer post

Bitter-Sweet

Ah, my dear angry Lord,
Since thou dost love, yet strike;
Cast down, yet help afford;
Sure I will do the like.

I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sour-sweet days
I will lament and love.

-George Herbert

sunday (Vulnerability)

2009-10-25T01:10:00.003+08:00

"The altars are a safe place"

I like that line.

Mostly because it's absolutely true.

I don't understand why some people feel they have to put on a mask in church
okay, I understand, but I don't condone it.
It's supposed to be the one place where things go right. Where you're close to God and the body of Christ. It's supposed to be the place where you can be who you are without condemnation.

And even worse is walls we build up.

I think the point when the altars become a life-changing place is when you let your guard down and let God in.
That's what so special at that place.
That's where we let loose, and praise God with wild abandon
That's where God does what He needs to because we let Him
Where we let go and let God.

And maybe that's what you need to learn
to be vulnerable.

Sure, you can be vulnerable at home.
In your time alone with God

But there's something special about the altars.
It's where God intends to meet His people.
I mean, if you read back to the days of the tabernacle, the altar was the place where offerings were placed and sacrifices made
it's where God met man, where Heaven touches Earth
It's a special, special place,
and God does recognize it's significance.

The thing about masks is that you're never going to be strong enough to keep them on all the time
or trying to live with it
it's like...
the hollow mask in bleach
(oh yes I just went there)
it doesn't matter how strong you are, you can't keep it up forever
eventually it's going to crack or fall away
especially in those moments of high tension or high pressure
you're going to tire

the choice given to you is when and where and with who
that you're gonna take that mask off
before it falls off for you.

take it off in His presence
and slowly you'll find you don't need it anymore.

You're strong when I am weak
brave when I am not
God You are my God
-Lifter of My Head, Mia Fieldes

(am rambling, am tired. nap time please.)

sunday (Refuse to be Denied)

2009-10-19T20:12:00.002+08:00

I know, I know, I've put this song up here twice already
it's not that it's a mindblowing song on the technical side
in fact, it's pretty repetitive, but I love it
I love the heart of it
This is one of the songs I sing when I'm pushing and pressing in
And just really saying that I refuse to be denied my audience with my King
declaring that I know who my God is
I know who I am in Him
I know His love
and I know that nothing has the right to get between Him and me
it's just a tremendous pushing and pushing and pushing for that breakthrough.
It's something familiar, a feeling I'm used to.

I'm rejoicing alot that my exams are over
heh, but at the same time
complaining :p
because now there's no excuse for God to give me opportunities
so I complain that He isn't giving me enough
then He shows me the ones He's already given that I'm not focusing on
then I go something like "oh riiiiight"

There's alot of looking to the future
and I'm trying to concentrate on my present.
maybe I should just look to God :)

Now's the time to take leaps of faith
to jump and trust that He'll catch you
even though it's so easy now to take time for yourself
I get it, you've been concentrating on your studies, now it's 'me' time
time to do what you want, to relax a little
I get it
but maybe your time is the most precious commodity you have
yea, your life is precious, and it's expressed in units of time
and every moment you take for yourself
is a moment you can't give to God.

take some time to recharge your batteries
but don't waste these last few weeks in school!
make it count people.

sunday

2009-10-11T22:06:00.002+08:00

I have a tendency not to blog much in my own voice during times of stress cause those are the moments where I don't trust myself to say what I should.

Anyway, the thought that came to me today in the midst of a very fun FUEL on apologetics (root word apologia, means 'in the defence of', in this context Christian faith. I actually enjoy apologetics because I love a) arguing and b) christianity (I blame mugging for the fact of suddenly using stuff like a) and b). Also, interesting use of brackets within brackets (which actually reminds me of The Only American From Our Village, by Arun Joshi. Oh wait, larts paper over) within brackets) and sixteen years of being a second-generation christian with a mind that thinks too darn much and that is what happens), when P. Andy raised the topic of moral dilemmas, I realised something. Isn't the beauty of moral dilemmas that they illustrate so wonderfully the human capacity for compassion. (also, if you could follow the train of thought above, kudos to you)

I mean think about it. The moral dilemma that he raised was one of those that I remember from POD sessions (acib ftw) as well as something I've wondered about in primary school before. Is it morally wrong for a man to steal medicine for his dying child? What if he's tried every possible legal method to get that money, but all turn him down? Is it still wrong for him to steal?

And I'm not going to pronounce a verdict on whether or not it is, but take a step back and think about it. The fact that your first instinct is to admit that stealing in itself is a morally wrong action, yet the circumstances of why he did that would cause you to reconsider, thus the dilemma. If we were but cold, heartless, fully judging without love or compassion, then regardless of circumstance we would condemn. Yet because each and everyone of us possess that piece of His heart, we reconsider. The very act of reconsidering itself illustrates that we can feel. And I think that's pretty beautiful (:

4 down, 10 to go

You are bigger, stronger, and more than enough for my mountains :)

saturday (God is Love)

2009-10-10T21:38:00.004+08:00

very very thought-provokingly amusing

White Man - Michael Gungor Band

pop (Psalm 71)

2009-10-09T23:09:00.003+08:00

But as for me, I will always have hope
-Psalms 71:14

thursday (Psalm 69)

2009-10-08T21:17:00.002+08:00

Psalm 69

"1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.

3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.

5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel. "

"13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.

14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.

15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes."

"29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,

35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there."

mornings

2009-10-06T03:00:00.002+08:00

Everything I need is You
my beginning my forever
Everything I need is You.

it doesn't matter how loud this world screams and shouts for me to be silent. All the more I shall cry out. Because surely, surely my Saviour hears.

my God saves.

monday (Psalm 31:7)

2009-10-05T01:21:00.005+08:00

Psalm 31:7

I like this picture (courtesy of cysr.tumblr)

Because this is what it feels like in this season
bahh, I hate exam stress
I hate it with a passion. It's not a feeling I like, not a feeling I'm used to
and I hate the vulnerability that comes with it.
The stress... sometimes you start making decisions, small steps to stupid
little mistakes, little compromises
and next thing you know you stumble again.

and He's struggling to remind me that He loves me nonetheless.
that His grace is a net that never breaks, that never gets packed away. It's always ready and available.

There's alot that goes through my mind. Mostly because exams kick my brain into overdrive and that means I don't shut off my thinking when I want to
I don't like it :/

but praising Him when you're feeling crap
there's something liberating about it
What you're declaring when you worship is the nature of God, the truths about the kind of God He is.
And as I sing, I find more and more the words are sung back to me
And I begin to hear and remember that indeed, His Name is a strong and mighty tower
A shelter like no other
Nothing, nothing else saves me from my fears, my iniquities, my stress; nothing saves me from it but His name.
It reminds me of the God I'm worshipping.

That's why I press in even when I feel crap

I mean there are different types of worship.
Know what I mean?
There are those moments where it's just an outpouring from heaven and your worship just feels so... natural
then there are times where there's just the quiet stillness of His presence. And all the worship you give Him emerges as a smile as He draws near
then there are times where you just don't feel it. Your heart's hard. You know He's there, but you don't feel it
that's crunch time.

I don't know about you, but it's not easy. I think that's kinda the point though.

Will you still worship if you don't get anything in return?
Because that, my friend, is selfless worship. Of the awesome variant.

best friend, is it weird to say I love how you're struggling with it? Because it means God means so darn freaking much to you that it matters if something is going to get in the way

p.s. xuexue, will reply email after exams. And you won't mind because we made it a rule and because you are a very nice person who understands :)

sunday (somebody to love + spanish rap)

2009-10-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

massive thanks to xuexue for finding the song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcRoZ91pVwo

GLEE FTW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mgg9uVcK-ZU

and Community too

Me llamo T-Bone / La araña discoteca

I laughed so hard my stomach hurrrt.

saturday (discombobulated)

2009-10-03T21:30:00.006+08:00

1. I hate exam season

2. physics and math, however fun, are tiring to study :(

3. The prayer "Lord keep me humble" is one of those you can bet will not go unanswered

4. I am such a math geek. It is also hard for me to admit that

5. Glee is awesome. I mean, awesome.

6. Sometimes I think this blog loses the personal touch. hm.

7. I worry alot about many many things, the bulk of them being other people and their problems

8. I should probably do less of the above

9. twitter is now part of my daily routine

10. I love God. Very very much.

11. back to chemistry. Electro-lysis, elec-trolysis, to-may-to, to-mah-to

[edit]
at alleekoh's behest, I shall blog down one of those things that go through my mind on a bi-weekly basis (I'm serious, I take note of how many times it happens). Namely, what heaven's like. I mean, it's hard to find concrete things about heaven. Even the 'streets of gold' may just be symbolism. But here's what I think about heaven.

It'll be awesome.

Like, full-blown awesome. Awesome times awesome to the power of imponente which is spanish for awesome.

I mean, think about it.

We'll be able to understand why the double-slit experiment gives such weird readings; confirm or deny string theory; find out why pi is so darn irrational; quantify i; see what radiowaves or gamma rays look like; find out who would really win in a fight between a pirate and a ninja; hear 70 different octaves; speak hebrew/latin/french/any number of languages; FINALLY understand chinese; have a fun chat with the biblical gideon (yea, I do think that would be awesome); see what spiritual battles look like in the spiritual realm; DINOSAURS; experiment on what foods taste best with chocolate; have worship sessions that don't end; play soccer with king david and apostle paul; live as we were meant to.

But the most awesome awesome imponente thing?

Finally coming face-to-face with the one who I've felt and heard so many many times
and rejoicing with Him that we made it!
and living eternity with Him
Never having to worry about falling to sin, never having to worry that something bad's gonna happen

Maybe some of the things I listed above won't happen (I sincerely hope there's chocolate and soccer), but I know the last one will.

and we'll be able to just go on walks with Him, goof off, be silly
at the same time worship Him and love Him with the whole community of believers.

nothing will seperate Him and His people.

And that will be imponente enough for me. :)
[/edit]

pop (shush)

2009-09-27T21:55:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we're too busy telling Him what's wrong with us, we don't hear Him saying how much He loves us.

just shush for abit

Sunday (Precious)

2009-09-27T21:30:00.001+08:00

heh, so, there's alot in my mind I've got to get down before it disappears :D

today in the stills of worship, P. Andy said something that I remember writing here last month :)
that so often we go into worship with a deep, deep sense of longing for God
and that's good! That's awesome!
But so often we forget that God loves us so much more than we can ever love Him.
And for all that we want to love and give Him, He wants all the more to love us and touch us with His presence.

So often we feel like we're pressing in, we're pushing and pushing and pushing to reach the throneroom of God. Pushing against this wall of distractions, of worries, of troubles, of doubts, of shame, of our own thoughts. Pushing and pushing and trying so desperately to connect with His presence. And we forget.
However hard we're pushing to meet Him, He's pushing even harder to meet us.

And once again, He reminded me that He loves our love.
"I treasure it. I cherish it. More than silver or gold or precious stones. More than the rest of this world. I hold on to it. There is nothing, nothing in all creation that makes me smile bigger than your love. Not the beauty of sunsets and sunrises, not the graceful power of waterfalls or the distant sound of stars, nothing of that matters to me as much as your love does. More than diamonds or gold. I love your love."

It's amazing, and beautiful, and magnificent.

It's not a one-sided battle you're fighting here, even if it sometimes feels that way. You don't see it, but yes, He's there reaching out to you.

For all that you love, you are loved.
so much more than you know.

Thursday

2009-09-24T20:40:00.003+08:00

It's pre-exam season, and as much as I hate having to buckle down and actually do work, the prospect of having to retain scares me enough to make me get up and do something about it. I'm pretty fearful only all the time.

the strangest revelations occur in the shower
nothing by our hands is original. It sounds like a disappointment, but think about it for a moment. What is original to us is the product of randomly firing synapses in our heads that merely add a new idea to an existing thought. More than anything, we are adaptors, and our capacity for random thought creates creativity.

But God's the creator. The original creator. He's the original, un-messed-around-with, un-adapted, un-remixed. He's original in everything. Because there was nothing before Him that He could adapt. He's the ultimate creative genius, an exponential infinity of ideas.

And sometimes I wonder why I don't go to Him for help. Maybe another case of God-in-a-box. Too often I forget the guy who made the stuff that made the stuff that made the stuff that made the problems I'm facing, is the same guy who can fix it. Am I making sense? probably. not.

in other news, I hate hate hate pre-exam season for one other reason

it's the darned stress

I'd love to say it isn't there, but it is. It's palpable even in the classroom. Even my crazy, chair-throwing, ball-kicking, random-song-screaming class is starting to do more work during class time. And also: doing more stupid and crazy stuff. It's like the stress is a massive amplifier for whichever emotion of the day we're going through. Suddenly everything's pushed to extremes. And I don't like that.

I don't like that because it makes me vulnerable. Because it makes the temptation to take things easy too clear. To focus on gideon gideon gideon. What gideon feels like doing, what's worrying gideon, what's on gideon's mind. I hate that. I hate being self-centred.

And it's always like facing battlefields. God knows I wish I didn't have to. Heck, who does. But what's necessary is necessary.

Because somehow, through alllllll of this mess that we're dealing with, the stock-up of emotions, the growing stress, there comes those quiet moments. Those moments where the storms fall silent for a spell, and soft, reassuring words remind us of what doesn't change.

And because once you get God in the centre of it all, the winds can blow you any way which they want, it won't move His importance in your life.

We learn ~~to be~~ that He is faithful.

I want to take the word Christianity back to Christ himself, back to that mighty heart whose pulse seems to throb through the world today, that endless fountain of charity... I go back to that great Spirit which contemplated a sacrifice for the whole of humanity. That sacrifice is not one of exclusion, but of an infinite and endless and joyous inclusion. And I thank God for it.
Julia Ward Howe

extract

2009-09-21T18:49:00.003+08:00

"I'm silly aren't I"
"yes, yes you are" My Father smiles as He pats my head
"too many times"
"No, not too many"
and His love envelops me again

pop

2009-09-20T16:12:00.002+08:00

edited from a tweet:

I think when we get to Heaven, we'll feel alot less proud about any of the work that we do here on earth than we do now, because we'll fully realise just how much of the wars we've won were by Him and how little of it was us.

blogskin

2009-09-20T00:59:00.002+08:00

added photo. edited from a photo from dee's deviantart :D
yea, I know, it's not all that nice, I'm gonna touch-up on it tomorrow. For now, it's late, goodnight world.

pop (Faithful)

2009-09-18T23:54:00.004+08:00

just dropping by to recommend another brooke fraser song (yea, I'm re-discovering Albertine)

Faithful - Brooke Fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And i want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

The reason I like this song's probably because she so succinctly puts into words something that I feel every now and then. That even though sometimes I'm not, He is faithful. Those times when you don't feel His presence, but you know He's there. Not because anything in your situation tells you that, but because you've tried and tested Him and found Him to be faithful beyond any measure we can put on Him.

And that's the truth.

thursday/friday (In a Box)

2009-09-18T03:16:00.010+08:00

500th post (IS WINNN)

So it's been a pretty weird night so far.
I got home earlier today at around 5, I showered and took a nap.
Next thing I know, it's 12.30am.

I pretty much stared at the clock for a minute, then went "ahhhhhhhhhhhh, crap."

Heh, but it's alright, I needed the sleep anyway.

- - -

In one way or another, you've put God in a box.

It's not your fault really, the vastness of God is pretty hard to imagine, let alone understand. It's perfectly normal to have to scale it down a little inside your mind. But the danger here is what that box is.

To some, it's a little jackpot box, like in casinos. With a lever, a display screen, and a slot for "insert prayer here". You pray, pull the lever, and wait to see if you've won anything.

To others, it's a locked chest. Every weekend, you open it, soak some God in, wear the nice halo. Then come monday morning, you lock it up again, take off the halo and let the horns grow out.

My point here is that everyone has their own interpretations of who God means to them. Sometimes God means our supply of blessings and provision, sometimes God means our only hope when everything around us is crap, sometimes God means the judgemental being just waiting, watching for our mistakes.

And some of that's right.

But so long as you keep your view of God one-sided, you're getting nowhere.

The weird thing is this: as long as we're here on earth, we're never going to experience all of who God is. It just ain't gonna happen. We're simply not ready for it.

So as long as we're here, God's always going to be in a box in our minds.

What changes is how big that box is. If all that box contains is judgement, you'll never love Him. If all that box holds is blessings, you're never going to seek Him for who He is, but for what He gives. If all that box holds is religious routine, you're not going to have a real relationship.

Open up your box. Discover more about who He is, the vastness of His character, what He loves, what He hates, His humour, His joy; the universe we live in is but a minute expression of all God is, you can never learn enough or understand enough about who He is.

How? Spend time with Him! Open up your box from just the weekends to your whole week. Slowly, you start seeing His fingerprints all around you. Open up your box to experience His love, and you'll see Him as more than just something to fear, but to love as well. The more you gaze into the nature of God, the more your understanding of Him increases, the bigger than box gets.

Open up that box. Don't be content with God as you know Him, but desire to know even more about God. Let that box get bigger until you find that God isn't a section of your life, but that He's in every sections, every part. Until the box of God envelops your life.

- - -

on a side note, I love this song.

If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather 'til I only dwell in Thee?
If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee

[INSTRUMENTAL]

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee

This my solitary vision
Til I only dwell in Thee

heh, 500 posts and I'm only learning how to write what He's taught me. The solitary vision I seek for this blog to bless lives, through the words and knowledge I have. So thank you for your encouragements, keep reading :) let Him be glorified.

Driven by Eternity. Looking at life now as the starting point for the rest of everything. If we could realised the weight of our time here on the infinity of our time after, we'd live a little differently.

Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.
C. S. Lewis

Blogskin

2009-09-13T23:55:00.008+08:00

Yea, it's simple, but I like. Enjoy.

some minor tweaks. ugh, blogger and refusing to give the code for labels. Next post shall be long, since it is the big 500 post

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglement; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetratable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

sunday

2009-09-13T21:10:00.000+08:00

So there's alot that's swimming around in my head right now
alot of stuff that's hard to type down :x

anyway, I hate to steal another blog post from Jon Acuff at Stuff Christians Like (I'm telling you, it's an incredibly anointed blog), but I really really like the message of this one.

So to get to the point, you've probably heard Philippians 4:6-7 before
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

You've probably seen it in sermons about worry, or maybe during cell time (especially during this pre-exam season)
and as the sec fours move into a time of mugging for the dreaded O levels.

But take a look at the four words that precede that verse.
"The Lord is near."

And I think it's a wonderful reminder to put that right before telling us not to worry. Because when we present our prayers and petitions, when we ask God for strength to face our tough situations, when we take the stuff that troubles our hearts and minds and put it before God, He is not a God who is far away. He's not happily sitting in Heaven on a black, comfy, boss-style chair, spinning around and throwing darts at the ceiling (which is what I would do if I had His job. Aren't you glad I'm not God?)

The moment that worry enters your mind, He's already there. Waiting for the moment where you give it to Him so He can take away your worry. Then He rolls up His sleeves and gets to work helping you through.

It's an awesome reminder. The Lord is near. The Lord is near. You're worried for someone? The Lord is near, He hears you. The weight of your distress bearing down on you? The Lord is near. He'll take that burlap bag and replace it with the lightness of peace. The Lord is near.

Think about that the next time you worry.

wednesday pop

2009-09-10T02:05:00.002+08:00

just another pop-by

(oh yea, happy birthday abby, shall pass you letter on sunday. apologies for really sucky handwriting.)

Exodus 5:1
Afterward Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the desert.' "

God asks for His people to hold a festival for Him in the desert?

The desert is where the heat burns on your skin.
Where every step feels like your feet are on fire.
Where your tongue feels like dry parchment and your arms feel so tired you can't bother to lift them up.
Where it's just trudging onward. Another step, another step another step.

Where it's barren. There isn't any life around. The life that exists there exists to kill you or to do you harm.
And it's where people die when they get lost.

That's why being in a spiritual desert isn't something fun.

But God asked for the Israelites to go to the desert to hold a festival.
To praise Him.

This is why the desert song speaks so strongly to me some days.
Because it says that in my desert, I shall praise Him.

In the desert, once you shut up all the voices that are your own
and you choose.
choose
To praise Him.

That is where you show the enemy that you don't praise Him because of His presents
His gifts, His blessings
That is where you say "I praise my God for who He is"
"It doesn't matter where I am, He doesn't change. And I will praise Him for who He is. My unchanging, awesome God."

In your desert, hold a festival. Praise Him.
Because He never changes.

Saturday (Light)

2009-09-05T20:49:00.004+08:00

Have you ever tried looking directly at a light?
If there's one hanging above you or outside, go stare at it
go look directly at it for the next minute or so
I'll wait here

dum dee dee dum dum
(in case you're wondering, I'm listening to the om nom nom song
which actually sounds like an actual song! But I digress.
Coincidentally, the song lasts a minute and 10 seconds, so you could listen to it while you stare at the light :D
Listen to the om nom nom song here

Back yet?
Now, if you did it right, you're probably seeing a purple after-image in the exact shape and size of whatever you were looking at
which might actually make it hard to read this thing. Hm. Got to give more thought about stuff like that.
Anyway, this effect is known as an after-image.
The light hitting the back of your eyes creates chemical changes
and if you're looking really long at a light of a certain shape and size, the chemical change back to complete darkness takes longer.

So it's probably been a good thirty seconds since you've seen the light (hahahahaha, I are so unintentional witty)
and by now the after-image is probably blurrier around the edges
I mean, you can still see the shape, but it's less defined than it was.

And by now, it's probably completely disappeared
except for the few lasts wisps of purple lingering in your visions.

So now I'm going to ask you to describe the light that you were looking at
without looking at it again
It's either gonna be something like
"It was white. And. Rectangularious".
WELL, if you were high and living in the nineteen eighties and had a kickass afro.
(Afros are like giant balls of fun-hair)
but you couldn't go into detail about it
"It was a cream-white light of 7.5 by 7.5 cm installed with 3.5mm screws and an incandescent Phillips light bulb".
Unless you were a robot.
I KNOW YOU EXIST, MR. ROBOT MAN
And one day we shall meet and have ice cream (or the robotic equivalent)
and I'll interview you on life as a robot
I've already got some questions planned!
"Do you get annoyed when people thank you with 'Domo arigato, mr. roboto'?"

I NEED TO STOP DIGRESSING

but the point here is this: the less time you spend looking at the light,
the faster it fades,
the faster you forget about it

and it's the same when we look at God.

whoa, shocked you there? you were expecting me to hang left but I bobbed in right and WHAMMM, blind-sighted.

it's the whole reason why we spend DAILY time with God.
Because it's like looking into His light
into all that He is, into who He is.
If you want to be more passionate, to do more stuff for God, to be more than just a weekend Christian,
spend daily time with God!
Because when you look at the light
the afterimage remains
and for a while everything else you look at gets tinged with that same image
that purple after-colour of the light
If you daily look into the light that is God
You're gonna start seeing Him in everything you do
When you're sitting in that par-ti-cularly boring math class
when you're mugging at home
when you're watching The Time Traveler's Wife (which I do want to, btw)
You're gonna be more conscious of Him
of His presence that never ever ever leaves your side

and believe me, it's going to change the way you live your life.

So make sure you spend some time looking into the light
and you won't forget who God is in anything you do
Even when you're during an interview ("Do you do any other dance moves than the robot? Have you ever thought of growing 'fun-hair'?")

(edit)
I keyed in my blog into wordle.net (a fun hobby for a word-fanatic like me)
and this was what I got
hope you enjoy :)
wordle here

Twitter

2009-09-05T00:30:00.002+08:00

So I've decided to unblock my tweets. I'm over at http://twitter.com/penguiKnIGHT
It's my place of random thoughts, my life, and the little things God teaches me. Hope you enjoy!

thursday (The River is Rising)

2009-09-04T03:16:00.001+08:00

Not my style to post twice in one night (or, say, two hours)
but I was reminded of something!

At yesterday's ChurchPrayerMeeting Paster Margaret read out Ezekiel 47:1-9
which basically talks about how the prophet Ezekiel received a vision where a man lead him into a river that was first ankle-deep. Then after walking a little more, the water became knee-deep. Then walking a little more, it became waist-deep. Then they walked to a point where the water was deep enough that his feet no longer touched the floor and he was pretty much swimming.

And as I was reading through it, something inside clicked
that His presence would be that strong
Later today at 4one
His presence will be that strong.
not a wading, ankle or knee-deep
not even waist-deep
but a full-on immersion into His presence
till overflowing

yea, that's what I'm looking forward to
what about you?
What are you looking forward to at 4one tomorrow?

thursday (The Heart Of TAWG)

2009-09-04T02:54:00.000+08:00

So if you're puzzled about what TAWG is, it's short for "Time Alone With God"
It's also a classic case of Christian jargon :p
Basically, it's quiet time, devotion, journaling, that time you spend away form the world and with God

It's hard to keep a balance between discipline in spending time with God and when it becomes routine religion.
Generally, there are three types of people, the ones that don't spend time with God, the ones that spend time with God irregularly, and the ones that do it every single day without fail.
If you're in the last group, then dear sir, I salute you. You're probably the sort who can keep a box of chocolates in the fridge without devouring them fifteen seconds after eating the first one.
And if you're in the second group, well, high-fives and side-hugs all around!

It's really paradoxical sometimes. The times when we're the most tired are supposed to be when we come to God right? But those are usually the moments where I feel like I'm too to spend time with God.
So that's where the discipline comes in. And honestly, I struggle with that sometimes. Twice this week already I've chosen sleep over God ( D: ). But I'm learning, I'm learning.

At the same time, I hate it when it becomes just another routine. I break open the christian playlist on my mp3, read a chapter, write whatever pops into my head, pray, and I'm outta there. I hate when it becomes a chore.

And there seems to be that middle point that's so often hard to reach :/

So what's the heart of spending time with God?
Heh, I'm gonna be honest here
Like I mentioned, I missed out on time with Him this week
and I was talking with Him about it (and feeling bad)
but in my thoughts, I caught what I was actually saying
sample this:
"I'm sorry Lord. My bad. Did I miss out on a massive revelation?"
"No"
"well, good. Sorry though. Did I miss out on an amazing, life-changing time in your presence?"
"No"
"whew. alright. Yea, sorry about it."

at this point God sort of looked at me and said
"Have you ever thought that maybe I don't want to plop anything on you, I just want some time with you"

And there's that *click* as it connects in my mind
I was wanting that time with Him because of what He could give for me, not what I could give to Him
And in reflection, that was pretty darn stupid of me.
The heart of spending time with God, of quiet time, is to shift your focus away from yourself, onto God.
It's that place of daily re-alignment back from what I want to what God wants.

On an unrelated note, I love God-bonks.
You know, when you're having wrong thinking (say with me, "WRONG THINKING")
and God comes over and bonks you over the head with a piece of truth
and you sort of stumble back, laugh, and go "ohhhhhhhhhhhh."
heh, those are fun.

This post is getting rambly :/
I'll come back and remix it some time.

sunday (Unified in Praise)

2009-08-30T21:08:00.001+08:00

Heh, it's been a pretty awesome weekend
I don't know how to put it, I just really love where I am right now
and it's that process of undulation, and I know I'm in my season of victory
of harvest
and everything's just going right
Heh
not that I don't face opposition, but that opposition comes not as the barrage but as the isolated obstacles

I love that we as a ministry are singing into our own season
and the song that's resonating in me right now is Unified in Praise
which is over at
http://www.trinity.net/ignyte/media/Unified%20In%20Praise.mp3

I love the heart of the song, the idea of a mighty army rising up to fulfill the call placed upon our lives
and it resonates so well.

God, this blog's supposed to be the documentation of all the different things God tells me
but honestly, this weekend there's just been so darned much this human leeeettle brain can't hold it all.

I'm excited for this friday.
Words cannot express.
Because something in my spirit tells me that it won't be just another worship experience
there's going to be something epic about it
e-p-i-c
like a mighty loosing of His spirit on His generation
I don't know what He wants to do with us, but I know
we won't walk away the same
You don't meet something that massive without your life being changed
that's just the truth of it, you can't run away from that.
an unlocking of the floodgates of heaven, something big
yesh, I'm really excited.

Never will You deny willing hands

I'm still learning
God reminds me that the world never sees us as enough
doesn't see us as enough to complete the burdens of being a good student
or a good son or daughter
sometimes we aren't enough for our friends
although we really really really want to be
and we're not enough to be that pillar of support for our families
we're not enough to be filial, or obedient, or good enough to hold our tongues instead of lashing out
I'm not enough
but He shows me that although the world will never see me as enough
He does
Although I'm not enough to fulfill all my obligations as a son, a brother, an SP, a friend, a student
I'm enough to be God's child
because it's not about doing more or being more spiritual or being more *wong wong* and holy and high and up there
as long as you're alive, you're God's child
and that means you're enough to be loved, held, empowered, known, and loved some more

it's a simple, ferocious love that crashes down etiquette and tears down walls of hurt and pain and heals and holds and knows and loves the same

I'm rambling

but that's love.

you there. Yes you.
I'm talking to you
I'm talking about you

you don't need to be more than His child
and He your Father.

thundering

(edit)
really soon after writing this, I came across this post on Stuff Christians Like, a blog I've been reading (and enjoying the different perspectives on things).
And there's something I wanna borrow from that post.

If you don't believe me when I say
God sees you as enough
I dare you to ask Him
that's right, right now
ask Him if He thinks you're enough
and I promise you that answer will be yes
and if you give him a little time out of your day and ask him to explain just how 'enough' you are to Him
then ready up for the amazing (:

sunday (Glow)

2009-08-24T01:19:00.002+08:00

So this is the song that's been speaking to me lately
it's called Glow from Hillsong's album Faith+Hope+Love
I like the spirit of the whole album. It's a very "let's go do some insane stuff for God's glory" album :)
which I think describes the season God's bringing me to. And where Ignyte's being called to. As one unified ministry.

Lost and stranded
Empyt handed
Broken down and all alone
Your mercy it entered into darkness
And enfolded us in love

We give You all we are
For the glory of Your Name
We give all we are
For Your praise

Just a glimmer of Your glory
And the earth falls to it's knees
You level the mountains
With a whisper
And You calm the raging sea

Let the earth come to life
In the light of heaven's glow
And the streets sound with joy
As the shackles lose their hold
You laid down Your life
For one and all
So we give all we are
To You alone

This means freedom for the captive
And good news for those in need
Your message is justice and compassion
God of love and Prince of Peace

With one voice we sing hallelujah
All the earth cry out hallelujah
With the angels sing hallelujah
Jesus Christ is King

We give everything
To You alone

So as God usually does, as I was standing at the back worshiping during the saturday service, He dropped a random thought into my head.
I think we've heard so much about how much God loves to love us. And it's a good thing! It's a fact that I think sometimes we forget or lose sight of.
But God brought a new revelation to that starting bit.
What about when we try to love God?
When we try to worship God, when we try to do something, anything, that brings glory to His Name, that shows Him we love Him.
Think about it.

When someone we love tries to do something to show they love us, we do our best to receive it.
You know what I mean.
For someone like me, my love language is words.
I analyse words, break them up, put them together, play with them in my head
words are fun for me
and that's why when it comes to expressions of love, letters mean alot to me
so I remember when someone I cared for wanted to pass me a letter after service
of course, I unknowingly sped off into my parents car quite quickly when we were dismissed, ignoring the person entirely.
But when the person messaged me about wanting to give me that letter, I begged, pleaded, beseech, and generally asked desperately for my parents to turn the entire vehicle around so that I could receive that gift of meaning and value.

Think about it in your own life.
When you start to worship and it feels like you can't connect, consider that your worship is a gift God wants to receive. And you can bet He'll clear the path so you can deliver that gift.
When you start to serve and it feels like you aren't doing a very good job today, consider that your service is a gift God desires to receive. And He'll help you give your best.
When you start praying and it feels like you're so easily distracted, consider that your prayers are something God yearns to hear. And He'll help you send your petitions.

In the same way God loves to love, He loves to receive your love in return. Because that's what perfect love does.

What about you?
What gift do you have to give God today that you need to be reminded that He loves to receive?

(and my sincerest apologies to the person in the example above :p)

Lion King reflections

2009-08-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

so, I'm watching The Lion King.
And you know that part near the start, when they're singing the circle of life
and there's this bit where King Mufasa's standing on Pride Rock with the music blaring in the background
he looks super cool. It's a lion. Posing. That's pretty awesome.
But the next part, when Zazu approaches Mufasa and bows
there's just something about it
it just reminds me so much about the heart of God.
Zazu bows, with reverence and love
and Mufasa acknowledges it with a nod and a smile
and it's just so
God.

It's that expression that speaks equally of power and of love
and it's... well, pretty awesome.
heh.
#ILoveMyGod.

I actually think there are a whole bunch of things about The Lion King that I love
shall blog about them sometime

poem

2009-08-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

I wrote this while lying on my bed and half falling asleep

Clay

I am not made
of moonbeams and stas
of the red lives of mars
Asteroid beaten and comet scarred

I am not made
through earthly ways
And all my earthly days
Are merely my temporal phase

I am more than
the tattered and torn
the looked-down-upon
the shamed and the scorned

I am made
of dullest darkest grey
of molded and fashioned clay
more than just another cliche

I hold enough
of His Grace for my needs
His Freedom to be freed
His strength for His deeds

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

It's been a while since I've written.
ENJOY.

saturday

2009-08-15T21:00:00.002+08:00

wow. my last post was last month on the 25th. Whoa. 20 days! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING?

oh right. Facebook. Twitter. Anything else?
heh
10 days without my parents!
whooooo
heh.

I'm awfully out of things to blog about
I'm sorry!
but I'll be back :D
yea, just wait :3

-edit-

I just noticed that I've just started sorting my random thoughts.
Short snippets for twitter
medium length thoughts for facebook
and long strings of rants for my blog.

heh, I don't know what it is about the weekends.
I just feel... free-er
it's weird :p
the week has been tiring
and honestly, I haven't been winning the battles that I wish I did.
But you know what!
He is faithful when I'm faithless (:

there are always these moments when I doubt.
You know what I mean? when you question if this is God.
And, like Christian author Cecil Murphy talked about, sometimes it makes you wonder if there's something wrong
I mean, didn't Jesus say 'my sheep hear my voice'?
So why is it sometimes we're so unsure about it.

Cecil Murphy wrote about it, and he talks about how this line came to his wife while she was praying about it
'my sheep hear my voice; my lamb are still learning'.

I don't lie the idea of being called a lamb :(
being a sheep is bad enough, but a baby sheep sounds even more... small
weak?

You know how sometimes you hear a voice and it's that sort of 'I don't know if it's Him or not.'
And, yea, in those situations, who knowwws!
It might be, it might not.

But then there are moments
where the voice just speaks so clear
and you know, you just know
(no, I don't care if it sounds cliche, it's true)

heh, sometimes I wish my life was more interesting
and sometimes I ask God to do more with my life,
mostly because doing stuff for Him's always interesting
and most times I don't get an answer
a smile maybe, like a knowing smile

but sometimes, along with the smile
He tells me that He already is

I think it's funny when God sees me all puffed up on my belief in my own ability
in my own knowledge
in my own intelligence
then He changes that :3
with a few reminders I probably need :p

hahaha, shall stop for now
till later.

-double edit-

ALMOST forgot the verse I reminded myself to
Hebrews 10:14
The Message Translation
"It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people. By that single offering, he did everything that needed to be done for everyone who takes part in the purifying process."

pop

2009-07-25T11:36:00.000+08:00

short one

enjoy!

sunday (desert song)

2009-07-19T18:57:00.003+08:00

Today was...
wow.
Just, amazing.

I can't count the number of times where I've felt crappy in my life
or my situation
but today was just really one of those days where God just
just showed up.
And there is no doubt anywhere that He's there.
That it's Him speaking.

For the first time since I first heard Desert Song
~~It spoke to me~~
It spoke to my heart.
Just something so different filled my heart
A fresh... something.
I don't even have words (which is strange for me)
Just a new
passion
determination
for revival in my school.

And honestly, when Sis Gwen gave the altar call
I stood up so fast it scared me.
If you took the past 16 years of my life,
and took all the passion I've ever prayed for my school with
I don't think it would equal what God showed in me today.
Honestly, it was such a different feel altogether
Like, the only thing I can use to describe it would be like in Acts
where it says "The Spirit of The Lord came upon them in power."
That's what it felt like.
Like the power of God was just, just there.

It was amazing.

Like Him guiding me as I prayed
and the words just felt like they were uttered in power
not mine, but His.
Just.
Just amazing.

I love my God
I love my school
And I'd love to see His Name lifted high in my school.
I'm sorry, there's no other way to put it.
There's just a fresh fire for it

Don't let the fire burn out Lord.
let it burn for You.

Heh, on a side note,
today, I was talking to God
and sorta complaining
so I said (thought)
"tsk, why You so liddat!"
Immediately, He replied
"Because YOU so liddat!"

He's so true, sometimes it's funny.

I<3MyGod.

sat

2009-07-18T21:52:00.002+08:00

I IS NOW ON TWITTER
it's at the same address my blog is at
twitter.com/penguiknight

hm. I do use it way too much though.
am now a twit?

service is in 13 hours
GOD, I can't wait to meet You :D
I lubb lubb eu worzxzx

week has been weirded lah.
Fighting like mad
but God is worth it
that's the truth man

dramaaa, I'm not that good lah
still praying for God-given ideas :D

heh, I trust You Lord

wah seh, I just realised how much of my blog is about God
God here, God there, God everywhere.

I just realised that is not a bad thing!

a reprieve

2009-07-11T00:32:00.004+08:00

Psalm 43:3-5

"Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live.
There I will go to the altar of God,
to God—the source of all my joy.
I will praise you with my harp,
O God, my God!

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!"

It's weird how concise it just grabs how I feel

:/

it's worth it, Lord
I know it is.
The heart knows,
it's just that the flesh is so resistant to follow

:/

Send out your light, your truth
let them guide me to your holy mountain,
your home.
There I will meet you
and there I will praise and worship and lift your name high.

on a side note, xuexue, your email is coming veryveryvery soon

sunday

2009-06-28T23:07:00.001+08:00

noooooo.
holidays will be overrrrr.

gah.
nooooo.

meh, this is procrastination.

and for sentimentality's sake

I Have A Lot 2009,
It's not over, it's just complete.

I remember.
As we walked to the front, as the song played
the presence of God filled that place something fierce
unmistakable.

renewed purpose, don't lose it.

whoa

2009-06-20T17:03:00.000+08:00

yea, back
been back for a while actually.
...
too lazy to do an actual post.
heh, so there.

suffice to say, God has been amazingly good
over the course of the past week
He's been good :)
I <3 my God :D

flyawayaway

2009-06-12T01:45:00.001+08:00

eh. should sleep.
will be flying away
be back on mondayyyy
eh. tired.

tuesday

2009-06-10T00:17:00.002+08:00

whoooo
man, my body clock is severely weirded out

MONDAY
I slept at... 5.30 in the morning
I woke up at 4.30 in the afternoon
went for REHEARSALS
whooots
I love rehearsals
is awesome fun
I mean, yea the kind of crazy things we get up to
ezra has funny faces
sorry face
but then again, what's he going to do?
ask his mum for a refund?
HAHA, YES THAT'S QUITE FUNNY
anyway, yea, I love rehearsals
dancers FTW!
IT WAS THE WIND
and the "5,6,7,8, POM"
yes, dancers FTW

anyway, SONG
This Love by Lincoln Brewster

One love to overshadow every other love
One love to break the darkness
One love to overcome

Oh Lord
Your love it burns as fire
Brighter than the flame

As surely as the air I breathe
As surely as Your Word's alive in me
I'm held oh grace remind me
As surely as the stars above me
Life eternal waiting for me
And I owe it to this love

One love beyond the heavens and deeper than the seas
One love will be forever greater than my need

mmhmm, I love that bit
As surely as the air I breathe
As surely as Your Word's alive in me
I'm held
Oh grace remind me
As surely as stars above me
Life eternal waiting for me
And I owe it to this looooove :D

hahaha
yesh, I <3 my God

heh, it's been a year
hi friend :)
I've decided that I will treat you as such
and I hope you'll do the same
so, hi friend (:

oh yes, and I did see that post
way back in mid april
missy, who do you think tagged as "1."?

Aye-eyey, I needa sleep
or try to
meh, blading tomorrow
I still hope I remember how to :p

I <3 you Jesus :D

sunday!

2009-06-07T23:10:00.002+08:00

it's that time again :)

hahaha, sundays!
I love sundays
seriously, I love them
let's DISSECT, and find out what exactly it is that is so fun about sundays

1. FUEL.
Because my cell is awesome
hahaha, we're so prone to doing random things
like christie and laura's "twin dance"
which was really fun to do :p
and breaking out in the russian can can halfway during the game
hahahahaha
and watching xiang kang be uncomfortable when the title of the fuel lesson came on screen
hahahahahaha
hilarious-ness

2. GOD
eh, understand ah, I don't mean that he's my no.2
just, convenient placing :p
ANYWAY
God is gooooooood :)
He's faithful when I'm not
and I love my God passionately
some days it scares me :p
yes, but I missed God
and it feels good to know He's here with me :)

He took a walk with me today
just talking :)
He took me by the hand
my daddy
and we walked
and talked
about life :)
about my friends
about my oikos
about this generation
about my future
about my past
about my present
just pouring out everything

and we walked till we reached a cross on a hill
there, he took everything I poured out
everything I had enough of
He put it at the foot of the cross
and covered it
and we walked back (:

yes, I love my God
maybe I'll make the above a poem some day
when I feel inspired enough :p

3. WORSHIP
I love worship!
It feels awesomely right
standing in a crowd of people jumping and singing and screaming and looking like idiots
but we don't care :p

all to give our praise
it feels right :D

4. FRIENDS
the after-service walking around
saying hi to familiar faces
and talking about life :)
and feeling the fellowship as God's presence flowwwws in the backgrond
heh
it's goot.

5. REHEARSALS
who cares if it's tiring or draining
IT'S FUN :D
plus, it's for a worthy cause :)
mmhmm, not our own cause
but for the people out there :D

yayyyyy
hahahaha, so looking forward to it

anyway, JOELLE YONG
PLS PLAN QUICK.
MUST HAVE GATHERING SOON.
OUR TIME IS RUNNING OUUUUUUT

TURESDAY

2009-06-02T13:39:00.001+08:00

so.
CHINESE O LEVELS
GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE
IT'S D7 TIME

yea.
hahaha, anyway, in other news
I GOT A NEW PHONEE
it's the sony ericsson w508 :D
AND IT'S FUN.
I LIKE.

hee hee hee

eh. is that it?
I DUNNO.

I like writing
:)
and I'm learning to write for myself.

WAITING TO GET THE NEW HILLSONG ALBUM
WHOOTS.

haha, my dear friend
I needed it as much as you did (:

friday

2009-05-29T22:56:00.003+08:00

so.

PTM in the morning
which I let my parents go alone
didn't feel like being there :p

anyway
the after-ptm dreaded talk
the usual
I love my parents, I do
sometimes they do come off a little annoying though
but I know they're intentions for me are the best
I know.

I need God more than I know.

[edit]
oh yes, and to you detractors that say singaporeans aren't courteous
I disagree
today, I was on the mrt
and I saw something that warmed my heart
at City Hall, one of the more busy stations
an elderly couple boarded the train
the elderly woman leading her husband
there were two seats available, the 'reserved' seat and another one five seats away
she gave the seat over to her husband, who sat down
the four commuters in between the two free seats
were not connected in any way
business man, secondary student, young teenager, auntie reading the papers
they shared glances
then each simultaneously shifted down their seats
so the elderly couple could sit together
mind you, in that time, surely someone could have taken that free seat
or one of the commuters could have put themselves above others
but each one decided that they should do the civic-minded thing
so yes, Singaporeans are courteous

SO PLEASE STOP WITH THE PCK ADVERT
IF I HEAR ANOTHER 'don't play play' SO HELP ME I WILL TAKE THOSE UGLY YELLOW BOOTS AND CHOKE HIM WITH IT.

morning

2009-05-29T07:32:00.002+08:00

what is it about mornings that make me take a step back
hm.

I can't stand this
gaaaah
like so many other times before
I'm doing it again! >.<
putting God away
telling Him to take the back seat
focusing on myself
again.

I don't want a quick-fix
I don't want anything temporary

I want a re-working
Lord, from the ground up
from the inside out

forget it
I won't tell You how to do Your job
just close my eyes and trust You.

Jesus, oh Jesus
I give you my life
Jesus, oh Jesus
I give you my life.