Penguin For Christ

friday (so tired)

2009-12-18T03:15:00.002+08:00

there is so much inside my heart I want to spill out
but while the spirit is willing, the body is right now so freaking weak
I really do feel ready to collapse
people really don't understand that it takes effort to be a GL, to lead everything, not easy pls.

I'm leaving for a shopping trip in roughly 10 hours
will be back on the morning of the 22nd
will blog about the following:

GREEN STALLION 5 (ftw)
the revelation of His love
the principle of loving and leading
and Jeremiah 33:3

oh so much.

Just let me say how much I love You
With all my heart, I long for You
For I am caught in the passion of knowing
This endless love I've found in You
and the depths of grace the forgiveness found
To be called a child of God
Just makes me say how much I love You
Oh my Saviour, my Lord and friend

sunday (the birthday blessing)

2009-12-13T17:01:00.002+08:00

So yes, finally I shall reveal the reason behind the sixteen notes I wrote.

When I wrote the first one, it wasn't intended for anything. The Bible says 'out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks', and it was one of those times, when my heart felt the need to celebrate the friendships I had. But somewhere during tuesday, when it was just one of those moments of lying on the bed, letting your mind drift, just talking to God, and He asked me if I had a birthday wish. Maybe something I desired of Him, or a blessing for my life. My first reaction was "no, not really, I do think I have enough...". A few moments later, "actually, yea, I do. Could You bless Your people? If You have a blessing for me, my prayer is that You will pour it out amongst Your people, and that will be blessing enough for me." And He said okay.

So these are the reason for these 16 notes, 16 notes representing 16 years I've been on Earth, 16 friends who I asked God to bless. They know who they are, I've told them which note is for which person, and included hints within the stuff written that talks about different experiences we've had. These are the friends, the close friends, that I've asked God to richly, richly bless. Heh, if you want to know which person corresponds to which note, go ask them yourselves :) I'll keep my lips sealed.

So yes, the 16 of you, be blessed. I want you guys to know that I keep you in my prayers every night. Every time I sit down and seek God and speak with Him, I always lift you guys up in prayer. Find that breakthrough in God, and be blessed by Him so very deeply. If I can see all of you continue rising up, finding breakthrough in your battles, it will honestly be so much of a blessing. I love you friends. Very much. I can't find any new words to describe it (for all that I know, words fail me). You guys are an integral part of who I am, and (to kop someone else's words) truthfully, my life would suck without you. Thank you for your friendship, your words, and I just pray that He will bless you so richly.

Yes, and if you weren't one of the 16, please please please don't feel left out. It don't mean you're not my friend, I'm just too young :p there are honestly at least 30 more people that I also keep in my prayers every night but I couldn't fit them all in here. My prayer of blessing extends to you too. So if you're reading this post, if you're a friend of mine, be blessed :) amen.

No time, got to pack and do write-up for MIT and settle one last note (number 9's still missing, but for good reason) and get spiritually prepared for CAAAAAAAMP.
IGNORMOUS IS TOMORROW. GREEN STALLION 5 IS GONNA ROCK IT.
BE BACK IN 9 DAYS!

notes (16.)

2009-12-13T00:52:00.002+08:00

16.
I'm really tired from five in a row so please bear with me if it gets rambly. So yes, I've been really worried for you. The further and further you get from Him, the more it worries me. And when you doubt Him, you fight Him, I worry. Please find Him again. Please seek Him again. Please live in Him again. God misses you terribly.

(And that's done. I shall reveal the purpose tomorrow)

notes (13.)

2009-12-12T23:43:00.002+08:00

13.
It helps me to see you around :) and to see you grow. To me, you represent what I hope the next few batches of Ignyters will be. Rough around the edges, sure, but your heart is for God. That's the most important thing. If you want to know what will keep you in Christ, it will be caring more about God than about anything else in this world. Don't be pressured to be someone you're not, or to act like someone you aren't. Let your love of God be genuine, and that will be enough for God to use and make into things that are greater and beyond your imagining :) so be blessed my friend.

(BETCHA DIDN'T SEE THIS ONE COMING)

notes (5.)

2009-12-12T23:33:00.002+08:00

5.
Very often I genuinely wish I had all the answers for you. One thing I really really really want you to understand is that everything I say, it comes from an honest desire to see you breakthrough. Every time you say you desire for a breakthrough, please understand that I want that just as much as you do. When you say you want God to touch your life, I want that as much as you do. I really really really do. When you were telling me about your experiences over this year earlier this week, after you hung up I spent a few moments praying over you, because I want that breakthrough for you bro. And I know it's on it's way. I believe that to the core, to the bottom of my heart. Breakthrough is coming for you, and He will meet you. In time to come :) so don't give up on yourself. I've been there before, and 'ordinary' just isn't good enough. Living with God is extraordinary, amazing, astounding, words cannot express it enough because it's just words. I want you to know God as I do, and live life knowing Him that much and even more. That's real life.

(pillar or no pillar, I'm still your bro, yeh?)

notes (15.)

2009-12-12T22:04:00.002+08:00

15.
So hey there. Heh. I do think I need more friend like you (and by that I mean, male). Heh. Whenever we have our random chats, I enjoy them alot. I still think you need more tutelage in the lameness though :p I think of you more as the back-up man, the guy I can count on. I get this sense that you're a very responsible guy, the type who will be there when needed. I know this one isn't a very long one, because my emotions are slightly tired :p hahaha, but I just want you to know that I'm very blessed by our friendship, blessed by your words of encouragement, and I really want to have more time to chillax and chat with you :D so find time in your schedule kay?

(heh, and as long as you're my friend, I will always remember the epic introduction given by theodore and I :p)

saturday (beauty in the brokenness)

2009-12-12T22:36:00.003+08:00

(and back to your regular programming)

I hate getting photographed while I'm worshiping. As in, really. I never look good. I cannot. Because I'm an AC boy, I try to pose for photos (even when I'm not posing). And I enjoy worshiping with abandonment. With that "I honestly don't care about what whoever's gonna think, this is for God and God alone" attitude. At least, that's for the praise bits, and being photographed when you're jumping and your shirt flies up is NOT COOL.
But that's for fast songs I guess. Slow songs is worse. So very very much worse. Because slow songs, especially when it's an amazing move of God, half the time I'm on my knees crying/bawling my eyes out. And that's not glamorous friends. I remember a close friend of mine once commenting that she can't cry glamorously, and that she looks super unglam while crying. And another friend who hates crying because apparently her tear ducts hurt. Crying is not glamorous! Being broken before God is NOT GLAMOROUS. It's impossible. And when we're broken we look terrible to the world. And we feel, in a sense, pretty terrible.
But I'm a firm believer that there needs to be brokenness before breakthrough. Maybe not some TREMENDOUS crying thing, but some sense of being broken. Because, come on, breakthroughs require something to break, to be broken. Brokenness is that point of total vulnerability, total surrender, total humility. And when I was seeking God a few nights ago and the phrase 'Beauty in the brokenness' came to me. Because for all the terrible we look, to God, it's beautiful. It's surrender to Him, it's being vulnerable before Him, and it's beautiful.

Don't care what the cameras take, I choose to worship. Like King David when The Ark returned to Jerusalem. Taken from The Message translation, "Oh yes, I'll dance to God's glory—more recklessly even than this. And as far as I'm concerned...I'll gladly look like a fool." Because that's worship the way God likes it :) when it's truly just about Him and you, not about the eyes of the world.

A few more notes to go, going to try and finish them by tonight, then tomorrow afternoon I'll reveal the PURPOSE behind it all.

notes (12.)

2009-12-12T02:48:00.006+08:00

12.
HI FRIEND :) hahaha, I'm guessing you didn't expect to see yourself here. Hm. Okay, honesty time, I'm actually pretty unsure of what to put up here. It's not that you're not my friend, it's more like... hmmm... Okay, things you have to understand. 1, you're a good person. I see that very clearly. Blur, sure. A little silly, yea. But you've got a good heart, and you are the kind who devotes. You strike me as someone of devotion. That's just the way it seems to me. The things you devote yourself to, you do with a kind of deepness that isn't really self aware? You don't really say to yourself "alright, I'm going to devote myself to this". It doesn't strike me as that. It's more like a sub conscious thing. I'm digressing. It's late. Bear with me. 2, you're a busy person. I think the reason that I don't get enough time to talk to you is that you're a busy person. But I thank God for using me to speak to you :) and remind you about the important things. 3, there's alot I can learn from you. There's alot I wanna learn from you. And God will lead in His time. Keep me in the loop yo. 4, the latter will be greater. I'm not a big part of your life by any measure, but I do know this: your latter will be greater. Big things are on your way. Sure, tough roads, but hey, your latter will be greater. I sense it. It will :)

(oh yeah, and I did laugh at the irony of the choking on lifesaver thing!)

notes (14.)

2009-12-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

14.
Heh, I'm guessing that you saw this coming. And I'm guessing more than half the people on this list also saw this coming. Ah well, it's like a necessity. I was talking to bro aloy the other day in our room during MIT, and he reminded me that the greatest sign of unresolved issues is silence. Issues that are unresolved and untouched are unmentioned. And yeh, that's just the way it is. I'm glad that there's very little that's unmentioned and unresolved. In my honest opinion, it's a victory :) that we can joke without awkwardness. Heh. Of course, I get it. Like your comment recently, after we crossed the overhead bridge, before boarding the bus, about why you wanted to look for things on your own, I understand, mi comprende :) heh, I don't have any other words loh, you've heard them all already. Really, I'm sitting here trying to think of more to say and there isn't anything :p but share with me more kay. Take your time with it, but come on, share with me more. I wanna hear about what God's doing in your life, that's the exciting stuff anyway :p in time luh. Take care friend.

(wahhhh, I wish I could do these faster without compromising the quality. I NEED TO SLEEP.)

notes (10.)

2009-12-12T02:26:00.003+08:00

10.
So friend, I'm wondering how long it took you to get here. Anyway, not the point. I've been reading the pentateuch lately (two things. 1: which recess of the mind remembered what that was called? 2: which recess remembered how to spell it right the first time?), and when I read the first few chapters of Exodus, a thought struck me, 'hey, that does sound a little like him'. As I was reading it (and please remember, this is my interpretation, which has a much higher chance of being inaccurate than accurate), I kept thinking about Moses being an emotional man. At least, that's how it seems to me. I can't help but think about the link between young Moses and you. Moses had a habit of running. If life was a race, he strikes me as the sort who'd chiong. Who was impulsive, who acted on emotion, and who was ready to run fast, to chiong. He killed the Egyptian in an act of emotion, on impulse, and he went all the way on it, burying the body in the sand afterward. After killing the Egyptian, again, emotion, impulse, action and follow through, where he ran to Midian. When he sat down by a well, and some shepherds were harnessing innocent people, so Moses felt emotion, acted on impulse, and followed through. He came to the rescue of the people and then went on to water their camels. That's follow through. And when I read chapter 3, I keep thinking about how God speaks. Here was Moses, emotive, impulsive Moses, and God met him. And God speaks in chapter 3 in promises. He tells Moses about past promises, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and makes new ones, about what will happen in the future. And this is my prayer for you for camp. For the whole of the next few months in fact. To Moses' shifty, emotive-ness, God was the Rock, the promise giver that he needed. You've said it yourself, you're impulsive. And emotive. And that's what it seems to me, once you've decided on a course of action you will follow through. What I'm desiring for you is that you'll run the course He leads you in. I need you friend. There's the harvest field you know we're called to and I can't do this without you. I need your help. I do friend. So get on the right course, align your path correctly, and come along side me kay?

notes (11.)

2009-12-11T02:55:00.002+08:00

11.
These are tiring to write. So very tiring. But there's a deeper voice inside of me that speaks words that demand to be written. And I'm afraid that if I ignore it I'll lose these words. So forgive me if this will seem a little nonsensical, but there's a deeper voice speaking from the inside that should be heard. Yes. I treat you very much as an equal. I do wish that I spoke more to you, but it's difficult, because we aren't always on the same wavelength. Which amuses me, because we have enough friends that we connect well with, yet with each other there's a certain strangeness. Heh, we just see how time charts it's course lah. Regardless, I do have alot of respect for you. The Bible tells us not to judge people by our myopic or coloured views of them, but by their fruits. Because an apple seed cannot become an orange tree, nor an orange seed become an apple tree. And I know my views may be skewed, but I do see the fruits of your hand. I see the way God has been using your life and I know He's working in it. So this is my encouragement, my exhortation: never lose your supports. The people that help steady your life, the firm foundation that it's based on, don't lose those. As He grows in you, the world will begin to forsake you more and more, so don't lose those supports. I get this sense that you're a man of the people. Don't lose that. Act on the two greatest commandments, and you will be okay.

(that was a sucky ending. My brain is fried. My emotions are slowly being more silent. Hm. Should sleep.)

(but at least I'm roughly half done with all of these things.)

notes (6.)

2009-12-11T02:29:00.002+08:00

6.
It is tiring to write these. It is. It feels like getting water from a stone. Not that my heart is a stone, but that an orange that's been squeezed many times will yield less and less juice. And I don't want that. I want these to be honest expressions of the heart, not disjointed bits. And I worry that you get that impression about our friendship. I'm sorry that I'm not all the friend I wish I was, or that I was. I really am. I'm desiring for a breakthrough for you. Because I get the sense that you're stuck on the same area you've been stuck at for so long. I confess to thinking that. But these few weeks has shown me that you're still in Christ, still growing in certain areas. And as long as your are there is hope. There is hope for a difference in your life. God knows I hate being tough on people, I hate having to hurt people. But if this causes you to wake up your idea a little, then it'll be worth it. Know this: I want so, so much to see you breakthrough. To go deeper, to another level. It's my desire for you. And I'll keep praying for it to happen. I know you can friend. It's not too far or too hard for your reach.

(don't hate me :p you're my friend, and please understand that I do love you)

(still more to come)

notes (2.)

2009-12-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

2.
In truth, I'm writing this while talking to you, but only posting it later tonight after you disappear :p because when you talked to me today somehow I found the emotions necessary to write this. When I think about our friendship, I'm thankful for three things. Firstly, I'm glad that you're still in church. That you love God, and that you know God loves you, and that you know that's the important bit, you're just working out the kinks. Secondly, that you have awesome friends. By that I mean the Two that I know I can always trust to make sure that you're doing okay and are not being overwhelmed by stuff. The Two that I really respect and know will keep you safe. I'm very thankful for those Two. Thirdly, that we're okay. It would suck if we weren't :p and I understand if the Two get worried, but at least I know in my heart that I'm okay with you. That we're okay. And I'm so very, very thankful for that.

(knowing you, I'm expecting a you to ask me if it's really you :p cause you're blur like that)

(oh yes, and I trust the Two understand this isn't something bad. You Two should know I do respect and feel the need for your opinions.)

notes (7.)

2009-12-10T01:39:00.003+08:00

7.
well I did feel really bad keeping up the charade. And before you ask, no I didn't think this up in replacement for me not going, I was planning on writing this yesterday night, but I was too emotionally drained to. And secretly, I do hope you don't get annoyed that I won't be there today. Ah well, you know me. Anyway, I'll be honest here. I do put alot of effort into our friendship. But it's because I know how it feels to be on the outside looking into places you've been before and desiring to be there again. I know it. I know how it feels to feel peculiar. And I know there's alot about you I don't understand. I don't. I'm not able to see with your eyes or hear with your ears or think with your mind. But I know what I see. I see the light in your life. I see that hope, that light inside. And it fights with the darkness in your life. I don't know if it's an uphill or downhill battle, but I do know this. I'm your friend. And that means I'll do what I can to help that light shine brighter, to shine brighter. And push back all the darkness tries to do.

Because I believe in happy ever afters, friend.

(hahaha, and if I'm still asleep, drop me a message. See you when we get back :) )

notes (8.)

2009-12-09T03:14:00.002+08:00

8.
Second one in a day, so forgive me if it's not up to par. But imo, emotions and emotions and I'll just let them flow. I think there are alot of similarities between us. It's hard to figure out exactly what it is, but I have a theory. As per the Myers-Brigg personality type test, I don't really think people fall directly into pure Thinking or pure Sensing, I think everyone's a curious blend of both. And I think that somehow your blend of sensing-thinking is similar to mine as well as someone else's. The person that I believe really helped to speak into your life and who has spoken very strongly into mine as well. I think she's that same blend of sensing-thinking too, which is the reason why there's that mutual link. But I'm glad that God's chosen me to speak into your life. I'm really really glad that He has. Aiyah, it's very hard to pin down, but there's a similarity in the spirit that tells me there's a purpose behind God choosing to place me in your life and I'm very glad for that. I need friends I can rubbish or just chillax with, and that was what I was thinking about when I was staring at the ceiling at that place the day that you left. I kept saying that I love that feeling, and I do. Just chilling with mah peeps, I thoroughly enjoy it :) and I know this friendship is God-planned, so you won't be getting rid of me too soon. Heh. Take care friend.

(I'm rushing because I have a schedule to keep. I think I'll only reveal the purpose behind this whole thing when I'm done with the final one. Come back okay friend.)

notes (3.)

2009-12-09T03:02:00.003+08:00

3.
There are no words that I can write here that you haven't heard from me at least 27 times already. In fact, putting you up here is near arbitrary, you know you'll be up here sooner or later. Anyway, alot of the things you do still amuse me. When you flip from your serious side to the one I know quite well. Your (many) idiosyncrasies, your OCD, the inside jokes we have, the phrases we say too often, the phrases I say too little, aiyah, there's alot lah. No point listing it out anyway. Take care of yourself friend. There are too many well-wishes to be expressed in words, but you do mean alot alot alot to me, and I honestly think I'd have trouble living my life if I didn't know God was watching over you.

(and because I enjoy breaking the fourth wall, I'm guessing for this to be the most obvious one)

tuesday (MIT)

2009-12-09T00:48:00.004+08:00

So, MIT

There's so much.

There's honestly so very very very much to write about that I don't know where to begin.
It's been an insane three weeks. Really insane. I'm not used to having to wake up early so often. Just the whole atmosphere of fellowship with friends, and knowing that I'm doing ministry and impacting the nations, doing the things God called us to in The Great Commission? That touches my heart. That affirms me.

If you've asked me about the trip then you've probably heard this already, but here it is again anyway.

I was and still am genuinely surprised by how filled I feel. We went with an honest and genuine desire to give and give and give, to minister to the best of our abilities or our availabilities. We went in desiring to be poured out. And poured out we were. Every day we were stretched a little, put on the spot a little, having to be on high alert and in constant prayer. It was really different. We were on high alert, and wary of every thought in our heads and every word we said. It's really different. I mean, coming home, the past day has been so different. I find myself aching for that same sense of Spirit around me. Having it all around you for so long, you get used to it. And not having that strong sense of Him near makes me hunger for it.

Every day we poured out, but every day we were filled. As I posted just before I left (number 14.), the math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funny. When we give in the right heart and the right spirit, we receive so much. Oh it's so hard to express into words because english is a language of logic and the whole idea of this defies the concept of human logic. But as far as I can say, I have never gained so much by giving. It blows my mind. I don't understand it. I don't. But I feel filled, even though I've been emptying myself. So very strange.

And of course, there is so much we've learnt from the thai people. So much that it's hard to describe. But that fire and that passion is a heartbeat I'm still carrying. Seeing the way God moved, it was amazing. The testimonies of His Love and Faithfulness astound me.

It's not enough though.

I still don't feel that that's enough.

And that is why I've already set my expectations for camp. I mean sure, it would be wonderful if God could tell me which subject combination to take in year 5, or where to go after year 6, or how to get the prayer group firmly going, but that isn't my main expectation.

My main expectation is to give. That God would let me give. That I could bless my youth ministry, that they would receive from God and grow. That God would use me to pray for others. That's my main expectation. I'm going into this camp not to receive, but to give. And if He desires to give, then thank Him for that.

One lesson I've learnt from the past three weeks is this: when it comes to street e, don't make such a spiritual thing about it. I mean yes, it is a spiritual thing, and one should be prayed up and ready and sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit throughout. But if you're so restricted inside this only between me and God thing that it inhibits you from reaching out, then there's a problem. During the many different street e times, I would ask God "who do you want me to talk to?" And He'd answer "anybody, it doesn't matter. Whoever you talk to, my Spirit will guide you. Just throw yourself out there, let me use you."

Once again, please use discretion when listening to the stuff I'm writing here. There is truth in what I said, but don't rely on what I say, it's full of holes anyway. Listen to what God says.

Ah MIT team, how I miss you guys.
You don't spend every waking moment of 8 days with the same 17 people and don't form some sort of bond.
The van randomness, fruit salads, acapella singing, praying together, laughing together, eating together, I honestly hope never to forget it. It really felt like we were a team, watching each others back, keeping each other in prayer and on alert. It felt good. I miss you guys man.

ah yes, but greater things are yet to come
greater things are still to be done in this city.
I believe that.

Oh yes, and if you're reading this, please pray for me. I've been having alot of trouble sleeping ever since I've gotten back from MIT. Not difficulty falling asleep, just that my dreams have been... disturbing. Just a short prayer would be nice :) thanks friends!

monday (back)

2009-12-08T01:37:00.002+08:00

yep, I'm back

thank God so much for the ministry done, all glory to Him :)

would have blogged earlier but I was so caught up with camp stuff.

I had four hours of sleep last night, my mind is wandering.

Will post properly and with proper tributes to all the MIT members tomorrow
(it really feels like family, seeing those people every waking moment for 8 days)

anyway, I can't really say that I missed you guys
because honestly speaking, I didn't let my mind wander to home and what's going on in Singapore.
I knew if I started I'd be too consumed with emotion.
Like the night where P.Da told us to call home and make sure our parents knew we were okay.
Spent the rest of the night worrying about them :(
and having that weird centre-of-chest-missing-you emotion.
yeh.

But I prayed for you guys every night :)
and told God I'll trust Him to keep you safe until I get back

and thank God He did :)

right, more tomorrow!

monday (here we go)

2009-11-30T06:57:00.002+08:00

Well, this is it

Be back in a week. Keep the whole team in prayer if you can :)

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

All to thee, my blessed saviour
I surrender all

sunday (before leaving)

2009-11-29T23:12:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

It's Your son gideon here again.

I really should be asleep by now, but You know me. I get so caught up in myself that I don't let You have Your way. I think it's really funky how you make stress a weird emotion? Like, it's not really an emotion that I can sense suddenly or be very clear about it. Why'd You make it like that anyway? I don't get it.

Anyway, I'm here because... because I'm terribly afraid. Somewhere inside gideon sees this... all this. His expectation of the kind of person he has to be to do Your work, the kind of stuff he's going to have to do. And he's terribly afraid. Because he knows he's not enough. Because he knows his pitfalls, his weaknesses, his inadequacies. His tremendous inadequacies.

But. You are. God I know You are enough. I'm inadequate. Tired. So very very tired. Oh but God, every morning you fill me with enough to face the day, and every day I find myself drained again. And I know that you've toughened me, brought me through fires to mold me and give me strength. So that I'm strong enough to withstand being filled and emptied. But it doesn't seem to me that way. I still feel weak. I still feel that at any moment, I can snap under the pressure and break all over again. I need you desperately. Desperately.

I need You. Because You're more than the sum of all I can possibly be. Because You are You and I need You. I need You.

I need You. I can't do this on my own. I need You.

And You are, more than enough for me.

Will be back in one week. Take care everybody!

notes (4.)

2009-11-29T02:22:00.000+08:00

4.
It really is incredibly emotionally draining to write this thing. How exactly can one pull up that much out of one's emotions to write and put emotions and sentiments and feelings into heartfelt words that can be understood? It's weird to say that I miss you. Because I know it's really so much worse for you. But I do (in my selfish way) I do miss your company. I miss your laughter, however funky it is. I miss your mock angry look while you entertain my retarded comments (mouth initially half-open, eyes trying to be fierce, pretty quickly the edges of your mouth break into a grin, so you stop yourself from outright laughter with some sardonic comment, some varient of "you dare?"). I miss you friend. And it's exactly because I haven't forgotten you that I miss you; and it's because I miss you that I don't forget you. I try not to make promises that I might break, so I'd better try pretty darn hard when I say that I won't forget you. I do need you to know that you're pretty deeply missed, but I also need you to know that our friendship is strong enough. It's strong enough, covenantal enough, that it will remain. It will stay. And I need you to know that where you are is right where He needs you to be. And to let my selfishness, our selfishness, infringe in His Will is something we'll never allow ourselves to do. So take root there, and keep growing. So when we meet again our heartfelt, selfish desires might be met in His time, on His conditions, in a manner that will be miles and mountains more satisfying and enriching than in our own. So though this request is selfish, please keep growing where you are.

(also, this may be the most serious thing, ever, that I have ever written to you :p incredible contrast to the shoe poem of old)

(oh yes, and to you, casual reader, it probably isn't you)

saturday (epiclong again)

2009-11-29T01:26:00.002+08:00

(scrounged up every random thing I scribbled on paper or on twitter over the past week and shall now blog expanded versions of it)

1. (this thought came during bro kahfei's sermon last sunday on parables)
We are like a lamp on a stand. And they say lamps need oil for burning. In the case of our walk, the oil of the lamp is faith. And when oil comes into contact with heat, can it decide not to combust? Can it decide to remain indifferent? In the same way, when new faith comes into contact with God, that catching of fire is an unconscious effect.

2. I love the opening verses of 1 Corinthians 13. Before one of the most oft-quoted verses on what love is (love is patient, love is kind...). They speak about why love is so important. "If I speak in the languages of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. " The verse basically speaks about the difference between acting with love and acting without love. And there's alot of truth in that. You can see it in the story of Job. Take some time to really, really analyse what they say, and you'll realise that Job's friends spoke more like labeling diagnoses on a sick patient then discussing the life of a friend. And that's what makes the difference between something that is merely 'going through the motions' and something that really touches hearts. Love. Love makes the difference.

3. The very face that the word 'gospel' stems from old english gōd spell, meaning 'good news', is a pretty important thing. Because the nature of news is to be told. No publishing company makes newspapers to be buried underground, or to be never read. The nature of 'news' is to be known, to be made known. That's why CNN and BBC has their own twitter feeds. Why newspapers appear at my doorstep every morning. And why there's always time on tv dedicated to telling people the news. Because the nature of news is to be known. I don't think you necessarily need a missions call to go and share with people about God. I don't even think you need to be specifically told in a vision or a dream that you should. You are a Christian, therefore, you are qualified enough, you are called to.

4. Look at Moses' burning bush encounter and you will realise this: you need to throw down your staff before it can become a snake; you need to throw down what you have in front of God before He can make a miracle out of your life.

5. MIT makes you tired. But you only feel the effects when it's over, when the training is done and you're on your way home, that's when it sets in. When it's 8 in the morning and you've caught 4 hours of sleep, that's when it sets in. But not all the time. Some mornings, you walk out of the house to beautiful azure blue skies and a light breeze blowing, rocking music in your ears, and it feels like God got creation to say 'hellooooo', just to brighten the morning :)

6. Any place of battle can be a place of miracle, can be a place of great victory, can be a place of great testimony.

7. I like the way C. S. Lewis talks about morality and ethics. He mentions that morality can be thought about in three sections. "Firstly, with fair play and harmony between individuals. Secondly, with what might be called tidying up or harmonizing the things inside each individual. Thirdly, with the general purpose of human life as a whole." His analogy is really good, he likens the human race to a band. Of course, each individual instrument must be in tune, and each instrument must know when to start playing and when to play what. And of course, the whole performance would not be a success if they were hired to play a dance number and ended up playing Battle Hymn Of The Republic. Or if it were a fleet of ships, it is important that each ship be kept well tuned. Of equal importance is that each ship knows to keep in formation. The fleet would get disrupted if ships were getting in each others way and colliding all the time. In fact, they are equally important because lacking one often causes lacking in the other. If each ship is internally malfunctioning, sooner or later it will break formation with the other ships. And if one ship is already out of formation and colliding with the others, it will soon be damaged and in need of being repaired. And, of course, there's no point if the destination of the fleet is new york yet it ends up in Calcutta.

C. S. Lewis FTW anyone?

8. Spiritual attacks suuuuck. Suck tremendously. Terribly. Horribly. Mosted definitely. Some days it really seems like every faucet of life is an aspect the enemy's trying to get at me at. But God is stronger. And that's a fact.

9. I like the way P. Dom deconstructed 2 Corinthians 10:3-6. That thoughts become arguments become pretension become strongholds. Thoughts are... passing ideas. Passing blocks of ideas that go through one's mind. But if we aren't careful, those thoughts can become arguments. Arguments that are a collection of thoughts, that are ordered and have some sense of structure, and that creates statements of a proposed fact. And then arguments form Pretension, which creates self-fulfilling proposed statements. That sort of rose-tinted-lenses that cause everything to be seen in a certain light. And those Pretensions finally lead to Strongholds. The thoughts are the bricks that build strongholds.

Oh yes, I thought and wrote all this during the SP empowerment. Was scribbling furiously before the thoughts ran out of my head.

It relates also to my personal theory of the God-Thought-Ratio. The idea of comparing how much one thinks about God, about the (many) things of God, compared to other thoughts. Because beneficial thoughts about God often mean building to the stronghold of who God is in your life. A little complex, but please take this collection of ideas in the correct way. kthx.

10. Gid is inadequate. God is more than enough.

It's a repiphany. An epiphany I've had before, and am having again.

11. cool haiku
I love God alot.
Mostly because He's awesome.
And that He loves me.

heh.

12. I love street e. It's so fun. If I am tired before going into it, I find myself pretty passionate after it. Sharing my heart makes me feel.... onzzz.

13. I do think love is a universal language. Even if we're rusty in the different kinds of love languages, it's a universal language. It spans cultures and countries, it's spoken and heard throughout the world. Yet, it's surprisingly hard for people to speak it to someone they don't know. Why is that? Nobody needs to feel a certain emotion in order to speak english. And some might say it's because the language of love often causes emotion. Well, Chinese causes certain bad emotions in me, but I don't need to be in a particular mood in order to speak it. (oh yes there are flaws in this argument, but it's 2.15 in the morning, let me off the hook)

14. One of the core verses that I live my life by is Proverbs 11:25. It reads "...he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." And I love that. I believe that. I see and feel it every day. The math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funky. It says: 100-100=200. It says that giving is, in itself, receiving. And that's why, as michy pointed out to me the other day, love is a choice. And when people wonder whether or not they love God? They should ask themselves, 'what would I do if I did?', and then go out and do it. Because although one thinks that by doing that, one is subtracting from that love of God to do His work, in fact, that act of subtraction adds to that love. It increases the love for Him. Weird I know, but also very cool. And it's also why I do try to give to others. And share my life, my heart. Because I know in refreshing others, I myself am refreshed.

15. Aside from typing out something epiclong, I am also epictired. Will be away in Thailand from this monday till the next, and I know that when I'm back, I'll have many many testimonies to share :) hope this feeds your curiosities till then.

(oh, and if you're wondering about the number things, yes they are emotionally draining, which is why I do them one at a time, and no, the numbers themselves have no significance. There is no special code in the number.)

Right, night.

In awe of the One who gave it all.

notes (1.)

2009-11-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

1.
it struck me the other day just how long I've known you. Like really, count it for a moment, think waaay back, it's a good long time (back in the small, small, white-gloved days). But what really struck me was how alot of our friendship is characterized by the silence in the talking. We talk alot. We're talkative people :p but what struck me was how often there's something more in the talking. Sure it's random, sure it's amusing, but there's a kind of philia love that pokes through the chatter. Through the randomness and laughter, there's a friendship there. It's not very loud, in the sense it's not a friendship that's openly publicized, but it's a strong one. And I'm glad you know you're my friend, my close friend, and that I will always strive to be there. To be there for the silences, when words aren't important. I'm glad you're my friend.

(and yes, this was what I meant when I said look out for number 1)

friday (thoughts)

2009-11-20T23:12:00.002+08:00

Love is a choice, not an emotion. I stand by that statement. But it is not as if that choice stands without emotion. The choice doesn't always start in emotion, but when choice is kept long enough, the emotion has a habit of arising. Not in every moment, lest we regard the emotion higher than the choice, but sometimes, the determination behind the choice gets rewarded with a burst of emotion so strong it wells up in your chest, as if your heart was trying to express itself in something more meaningful than words or actions. And sometimes it's just a simple, simple warmth, from the smallest, smallest things. Because when you choose to love someone, you choose to let that person mean more to you than you do to yourself.

wednesday (skype sandwich)

2009-11-19T23:09:00.002+08:00