6.
It is tiring to write these. It is. It feels like getting water from a stone. Not that my heart is a stone, but that an orange that's been squeezed many times will yield less and less juice. And I don't want that. I want these to be honest expressions of the heart, not disjointed bits. And I worry that you get that impression about our friendship. I'm sorry that I'm not all the friend I wish I was, or that I was. I really am. I'm desiring for a breakthrough for you. Because I get the sense that you're stuck on the same area you've been stuck at for so long. I confess to thinking that. But these few weeks has shown me that you're still in Christ, still growing in certain areas. And as long as your are there is hope. There is hope for a difference in your life. God knows I hate being tough on people, I hate having to hurt people. But if this causes you to wake up your idea a little, then it'll be worth it. Know this: I want so, so much to see you breakthrough. To go deeper, to another level. It's my desire for you. And I'll keep praying for it to happen. I know you can friend. It's not too far or too hard for your reach.

(don't hate me :p you're my friend, and please understand that I do love you)

(still more to come)

2.
In truth, I'm writing this while talking to you, but only posting it later tonight after you disappear :p because when you talked to me today somehow I found the emotions necessary to write this. When I think about our friendship, I'm thankful for three things. Firstly, I'm glad that you're still in church. That you love God, and that you know God loves you, and that you know that's the important bit, you're just working out the kinks. Secondly, that you have awesome friends. By that I mean the Two that I know I can always trust to make sure that you're doing okay and are not being overwhelmed by stuff. The Two that I really respect and know will keep you safe. I'm very thankful for those Two. Thirdly, that we're okay. It would suck if we weren't :p and I understand if the Two get worried, but at least I know in my heart that I'm okay with you. That we're okay. And I'm so very, very thankful for that.

(knowing you, I'm expecting a you to ask me if it's really you :p cause you're blur like that)

(oh yes, and I trust the Two understand this isn't something bad. You Two should know I do respect and feel the need for your opinions.)

7.
well I did feel really bad keeping up the charade. And before you ask, no I didn't think this up in replacement for me not going, I was planning on writing this yesterday night, but I was too emotionally drained to. And secretly, I do hope you don't get annoyed that I won't be there today. Ah well, you know me. Anyway, I'll be honest here. I do put alot of effort into our friendship. But it's because I know how it feels to be on the outside looking into places you've been before and desiring to be there again. I know it. I know how it feels to feel peculiar. And I know there's alot about you I don't understand. I don't. I'm not able to see with your eyes or hear with your ears or think with your mind. But I know what I see. I see the light in your life. I see that hope, that light inside. And it fights with the darkness in your life. I don't know if it's an uphill or downhill battle, but I do know this. I'm your friend. And that means I'll do what I can to help that light shine brighter, to shine brighter. And push back all the darkness tries to do.

Because I believe in happy ever afters, friend.

(hahaha, and if I'm still asleep, drop me a message. See you when we get back :) )

8.
Second one in a day, so forgive me if it's not up to par. But imo, emotions and emotions and I'll just let them flow. I think there are alot of similarities between us. It's hard to figure out exactly what it is, but I have a theory. As per the Myers-Brigg personality type test, I don't really think people fall directly into pure Thinking or pure Sensing, I think everyone's a curious blend of both. And I think that somehow your blend of sensing-thinking is similar to mine as well as someone else's. The person that I believe really helped to speak into your life and who has spoken very strongly into mine as well. I think she's that same blend of sensing-thinking too, which is the reason why there's that mutual link. But I'm glad that God's chosen me to speak into your life. I'm really really glad that He has. Aiyah, it's very hard to pin down, but there's a similarity in the spirit that tells me there's a purpose behind God choosing to place me in your life and I'm very glad for that. I need friends I can rubbish or just chillax with, and that was what I was thinking about when I was staring at the ceiling at that place the day that you left. I kept saying that I love that feeling, and I do. Just chilling with mah peeps, I thoroughly enjoy it :) and I know this friendship is God-planned, so you won't be getting rid of me too soon. Heh. Take care friend.

(I'm rushing because I have a schedule to keep. I think I'll only reveal the purpose behind this whole thing when I'm done with the final one. Come back okay friend.)

3.
There are no words that I can write here that you haven't heard from me at least 27 times already. In fact, putting you up here is near arbitrary, you know you'll be up here sooner or later. Anyway, alot of the things you do still amuse me. When you flip from your serious side to the one I know quite well. Your (many) idiosyncrasies, your OCD, the inside jokes we have, the phrases we say too often, the phrases I say too little, aiyah, there's alot lah. No point listing it out anyway. Take care of yourself friend. There are too many well-wishes to be expressed in words, but you do mean alot alot alot to me, and I honestly think I'd have trouble living my life if I didn't know God was watching over you.

(and because I enjoy breaking the fourth wall, I'm guessing for this to be the most obvious one)

So, MIT

There's so much.

There's honestly so very very very much to write about that I don't know where to begin.
It's been an insane three weeks. Really insane. I'm not used to having to wake up early so often. Just the whole atmosphere of fellowship with friends, and knowing that I'm doing ministry and impacting the nations, doing the things God called us to in The Great Commission? That touches my heart. That affirms me.

If you've asked me about the trip then you've probably heard this already, but here it is again anyway.

I was and still am genuinely surprised by how filled I feel. We went with an honest and genuine desire to give and give and give, to minister to the best of our abilities or our availabilities. We went in desiring to be poured out. And poured out we were. Every day we were stretched a little, put on the spot a little, having to be on high alert and in constant prayer. It was really different. We were on high alert, and wary of every thought in our heads and every word we said. It's really different. I mean, coming home, the past day has been so different. I find myself aching for that same sense of Spirit around me. Having it all around you for so long, you get used to it. And not having that strong sense of Him near makes me hunger for it.

Every day we poured out, but every day we were filled. As I posted just before I left (number 14.), the math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funny. When we give in the right heart and the right spirit, we receive so much. Oh it's so hard to express into words because english is a language of logic and the whole idea of this defies the concept of human logic. But as far as I can say, I have never gained so much by giving. It blows my mind. I don't understand it. I don't. But I feel filled, even though I've been emptying myself. So very strange.

And of course, there is so much we've learnt from the thai people. So much that it's hard to describe. But that fire and that passion is a heartbeat I'm still carrying. Seeing the way God moved, it was amazing. The testimonies of His Love and Faithfulness astound me.

It's not enough though.

I still don't feel that that's enough.

And that is why I've already set my expectations for camp. I mean sure, it would be wonderful if God could tell me which subject combination to take in year 5, or where to go after year 6, or how to get the prayer group firmly going, but that isn't my main expectation.

My main expectation is to give. That God would let me give. That I could bless my youth ministry, that they would receive from God and grow. That God would use me to pray for others. That's my main expectation. I'm going into this camp not to receive, but to give. And if He desires to give, then thank Him for that.



One lesson I've learnt from the past three weeks is this: when it comes to street e, don't make such a spiritual thing about it. I mean yes, it is a spiritual thing, and one should be prayed up and ready and sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit throughout. But if you're so restricted inside this only between me and God thing that it inhibits you from reaching out, then there's a problem. During the many different street e times, I would ask God "who do you want me to talk to?" And He'd answer "anybody, it doesn't matter. Whoever you talk to, my Spirit will guide you. Just throw yourself out there, let me use you."

Once again, please use discretion when listening to the stuff I'm writing here. There is truth in what I said, but don't rely on what I say, it's full of holes anyway. Listen to what God says.





Ah MIT team, how I miss you guys.
You don't spend every waking moment of 8 days with the same 17 people and don't form some sort of bond.
The van randomness, fruit salads, acapella singing, praying together, laughing together, eating together, I honestly hope never to forget it. It really felt like we were a team, watching each others back, keeping each other in prayer and on alert. It felt good. I miss you guys man.



ah yes, but greater things are yet to come
greater things are still to be done in this city.
I believe that.





Oh yes, and if you're reading this, please pray for me. I've been having alot of trouble sleeping ever since I've gotten back from MIT. Not difficulty falling asleep, just that my dreams have been... disturbing. Just a short prayer would be nice :) thanks friends!

yep, I'm back

thank God so much for the ministry done, all glory to Him :)

would have blogged earlier but I was so caught up with camp stuff.

I had four hours of sleep last night, my mind is wandering.

Will post properly and with proper tributes to all the MIT members tomorrow
(it really feels like family, seeing those people every waking moment for 8 days)

anyway, I can't really say that I missed you guys
because honestly speaking, I didn't let my mind wander to home and what's going on in Singapore.
I knew if I started I'd be too consumed with emotion.
Like the night where P.Da told us to call home and make sure our parents knew we were okay.
Spent the rest of the night worrying about them :(
and having that weird centre-of-chest-missing-you emotion.
yeh.

But I prayed for you guys every night :)
and told God I'll trust Him to keep you safe until I get back

and thank God He did :)

right, more tomorrow!

Well, this is it

Be back in a week. Keep the whole team in prayer if you can :)

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

All to thee, my blessed saviour
I surrender all

Dear God,

It's Your son gideon here again.

I really should be asleep by now, but You know me. I get so caught up in myself that I don't let You have Your way. I think it's really funky how you make stress a weird emotion? Like, it's not really an emotion that I can sense suddenly or be very clear about it. Why'd You make it like that anyway? I don't get it.

Anyway, I'm here because... because I'm terribly afraid. Somewhere inside gideon sees this... all this. His expectation of the kind of person he has to be to do Your work, the kind of stuff he's going to have to do. And he's terribly afraid. Because he knows he's not enough. Because he knows his pitfalls, his weaknesses, his inadequacies. His tremendous inadequacies.

But. You are. God I know You are enough. I'm inadequate. Tired. So very very tired. Oh but God, every morning you fill me with enough to face the day, and every day I find myself drained again. And I know that you've toughened me, brought me through fires to mold me and give me strength. So that I'm strong enough to withstand being filled and emptied. But it doesn't seem to me that way. I still feel weak. I still feel that at any moment, I can snap under the pressure and break all over again. I need you desperately. Desperately.

I need You. Because You're more than the sum of all I can possibly be. Because You are You and I need You. I need You.

I need You. I can't do this on my own. I need You.



And You are, more than enough for me.





Will be back in one week. Take care everybody!

4.
It really is incredibly emotionally draining to write this thing. How exactly can one pull up that much out of one's emotions to write and put emotions and sentiments and feelings into heartfelt words that can be understood? It's weird to say that I miss you. Because I know it's really so much worse for you. But I do (in my selfish way) I do miss your company. I miss your laughter, however funky it is. I miss your mock angry look while you entertain my retarded comments (mouth initially half-open, eyes trying to be fierce, pretty quickly the edges of your mouth break into a grin, so you stop yourself from outright laughter with some sardonic comment, some varient of "you dare?"). I miss you friend. And it's exactly because I haven't forgotten you that I miss you; and it's because I miss you that I don't forget you. I try not to make promises that I might break, so I'd better try pretty darn hard when I say that I won't forget you. I do need you to know that you're pretty deeply missed, but I also need you to know that our friendship is strong enough. It's strong enough, covenantal enough, that it will remain. It will stay. And I need you to know that where you are is right where He needs you to be. And to let my selfishness, our selfishness, infringe in His Will is something we'll never allow ourselves to do. So take root there, and keep growing. So when we meet again our heartfelt, selfish desires might be met in His time, on His conditions, in a manner that will be miles and mountains more satisfying and enriching than in our own. So though this request is selfish, please keep growing where you are.

(also, this may be the most serious thing, ever, that I have ever written to you :p incredible contrast to the shoe poem of old)



(oh yes, and to you, casual reader, it probably isn't you)

(scrounged up every random thing I scribbled on paper or on twitter over the past week and shall now blog expanded versions of it)

1. (this thought came during bro kahfei's sermon last sunday on parables)
We are like a lamp on a stand. And they say lamps need oil for burning. In the case of our walk, the oil of the lamp is faith. And when oil comes into contact with heat, can it decide not to combust? Can it decide to remain indifferent? In the same way, when new faith comes into contact with God, that catching of fire is an unconscious effect.

2. I love the opening verses of 1 Corinthians 13. Before one of the most oft-quoted verses on what love is (love is patient, love is kind...). They speak about why love is so important. "If I speak in the languages of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. " The verse basically speaks about the difference between acting with love and acting without love. And there's alot of truth in that. You can see it in the story of Job. Take some time to really, really analyse what they say, and you'll realise that Job's friends spoke more like labeling diagnoses on a sick patient then discussing the life of a friend. And that's what makes the difference between something that is merely 'going through the motions' and something that really touches hearts. Love. Love makes the difference.

3. The very face that the word 'gospel' stems from old english gōd spell, meaning 'good news', is a pretty important thing. Because the nature of news is to be told. No publishing company makes newspapers to be buried underground, or to be never read. The nature of 'news' is to be known, to be made known. That's why CNN and BBC has their own twitter feeds. Why newspapers appear at my doorstep every morning. And why there's always time on tv dedicated to telling people the news. Because the nature of news is to be known. I don't think you necessarily need a missions call to go and share with people about God. I don't even think you need to be specifically told in a vision or a dream that you should. You are a Christian, therefore, you are qualified enough, you are called to.

4. Look at Moses' burning bush encounter and you will realise this: you need to throw down your staff before it can become a snake; you need to throw down what you have in front of God before He can make a miracle out of your life.

5. MIT makes you tired. But you only feel the effects when it's over, when the training is done and you're on your way home, that's when it sets in. When it's 8 in the morning and you've caught 4 hours of sleep, that's when it sets in. But not all the time. Some mornings, you walk out of the house to beautiful azure blue skies and a light breeze blowing, rocking music in your ears, and it feels like God got creation to say 'hellooooo', just to brighten the morning :)

6. Any place of battle can be a place of miracle, can be a place of great victory, can be a place of great testimony.

7. I like the way C. S. Lewis talks about morality and ethics. He mentions that morality can be thought about in three sections. "Firstly, with fair play and harmony between individuals. Secondly, with what might be called tidying up or harmonizing the things inside each individual. Thirdly, with the general purpose of human life as a whole." His analogy is really good, he likens the human race to a band. Of course, each individual instrument must be in tune, and each instrument must know when to start playing and when to play what. And of course, the whole performance would not be a success if they were hired to play a dance number and ended up playing Battle Hymn Of The Republic. Or if it were a fleet of ships, it is important that each ship be kept well tuned. Of equal importance is that each ship knows to keep in formation. The fleet would get disrupted if ships were getting in each others way and colliding all the time. In fact, they are equally important because lacking one often causes lacking in the other. If each ship is internally malfunctioning, sooner or later it will break formation with the other ships. And if one ship is already out of formation and colliding with the others, it will soon be damaged and in need of being repaired. And, of course, there's no point if the destination of the fleet is new york yet it ends up in Calcutta.

C. S. Lewis FTW anyone?

8. Spiritual attacks suuuuck. Suck tremendously. Terribly. Horribly. Mosted definitely. Some days it really seems like every faucet of life is an aspect the enemy's trying to get at me at. But God is stronger. And that's a fact.

9. I like the way P. Dom deconstructed 2 Corinthians 10:3-6. That thoughts become arguments become pretension become strongholds. Thoughts are... passing ideas. Passing blocks of ideas that go through one's mind. But if we aren't careful, those thoughts can become arguments. Arguments that are a collection of thoughts, that are ordered and have some sense of structure, and that creates statements of a proposed fact. And then arguments form Pretension, which creates self-fulfilling proposed statements. That sort of rose-tinted-lenses that cause everything to be seen in a certain light. And those Pretensions finally lead to Strongholds. The thoughts are the bricks that build strongholds.

Oh yes, I thought and wrote all this during the SP empowerment. Was scribbling furiously before the thoughts ran out of my head.

It relates also to my personal theory of the God-Thought-Ratio. The idea of comparing how much one thinks about God, about the (many) things of God, compared to other thoughts. Because beneficial thoughts about God often mean building to the stronghold of who God is in your life. A little complex, but please take this collection of ideas in the correct way. kthx.

10. Gid is inadequate. God is more than enough.

It's a repiphany. An epiphany I've had before, and am having again.

11. cool haiku
I love God alot.
Mostly because He's awesome.
And that He loves me.

heh.

12. I love street e. It's so fun. If I am tired before going into it, I find myself pretty passionate after it. Sharing my heart makes me feel.... onzzz.

13. I do think love is a universal language. Even if we're rusty in the different kinds of love languages, it's a universal language. It spans cultures and countries, it's spoken and heard throughout the world. Yet, it's surprisingly hard for people to speak it to someone they don't know. Why is that? Nobody needs to feel a certain emotion in order to speak english. And some might say it's because the language of love often causes emotion. Well, Chinese causes certain bad emotions in me, but I don't need to be in a particular mood in order to speak it. (oh yes there are flaws in this argument, but it's 2.15 in the morning, let me off the hook)

14. One of the core verses that I live my life by is Proverbs 11:25. It reads "...he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." And I love that. I believe that. I see and feel it every day. The math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funky. It says: 100-100=200. It says that giving is, in itself, receiving. And that's why, as michy pointed out to me the other day, love is a choice. And when people wonder whether or not they love God? They should ask themselves, 'what would I do if I did?', and then go out and do it. Because although one thinks that by doing that, one is subtracting from that love of God to do His work, in fact, that act of subtraction adds to that love. It increases the love for Him. Weird I know, but also very cool. And it's also why I do try to give to others. And share my life, my heart. Because I know in refreshing others, I myself am refreshed.

15. Aside from typing out something epiclong, I am also epictired. Will be away in Thailand from this monday till the next, and I know that when I'm back, I'll have many many testimonies to share :) hope this feeds your curiosities till then.

(oh, and if you're wondering about the number things, yes they are emotionally draining, which is why I do them one at a time, and no, the numbers themselves have no significance. There is no special code in the number.)

Right, night.

In awe of the One who gave it all.

1.
it struck me the other day just how long I've known you. Like really, count it for a moment, think waaay back, it's a good long time (back in the small, small, white-gloved days). But what really struck me was how alot of our friendship is characterized by the silence in the talking. We talk alot. We're talkative people :p but what struck me was how often there's something more in the talking. Sure it's random, sure it's amusing, but there's a kind of philia love that pokes through the chatter. Through the randomness and laughter, there's a friendship there. It's not very loud, in the sense it's not a friendship that's openly publicized, but it's a strong one. And I'm glad you know you're my friend, my close friend, and that I will always strive to be there. To be there for the silences, when words aren't important. I'm glad you're my friend.

(and yes, this was what I meant when I said look out for number 1)