Well, this is it

Be back in a week. Keep the whole team in prayer if you can :)

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

All to thee, my blessed saviour
I surrender all

Dear God,

It's Your son gideon here again.

I really should be asleep by now, but You know me. I get so caught up in myself that I don't let You have Your way. I think it's really funky how you make stress a weird emotion? Like, it's not really an emotion that I can sense suddenly or be very clear about it. Why'd You make it like that anyway? I don't get it.

Anyway, I'm here because... because I'm terribly afraid. Somewhere inside gideon sees this... all this. His expectation of the kind of person he has to be to do Your work, the kind of stuff he's going to have to do. And he's terribly afraid. Because he knows he's not enough. Because he knows his pitfalls, his weaknesses, his inadequacies. His tremendous inadequacies.

But. You are. God I know You are enough. I'm inadequate. Tired. So very very tired. Oh but God, every morning you fill me with enough to face the day, and every day I find myself drained again. And I know that you've toughened me, brought me through fires to mold me and give me strength. So that I'm strong enough to withstand being filled and emptied. But it doesn't seem to me that way. I still feel weak. I still feel that at any moment, I can snap under the pressure and break all over again. I need you desperately. Desperately.

I need You. Because You're more than the sum of all I can possibly be. Because You are You and I need You. I need You.

I need You. I can't do this on my own. I need You.



And You are, more than enough for me.





Will be back in one week. Take care everybody!

4.
It really is incredibly emotionally draining to write this thing. How exactly can one pull up that much out of one's emotions to write and put emotions and sentiments and feelings into heartfelt words that can be understood? It's weird to say that I miss you. Because I know it's really so much worse for you. But I do (in my selfish way) I do miss your company. I miss your laughter, however funky it is. I miss your mock angry look while you entertain my retarded comments (mouth initially half-open, eyes trying to be fierce, pretty quickly the edges of your mouth break into a grin, so you stop yourself from outright laughter with some sardonic comment, some varient of "you dare?"). I miss you friend. And it's exactly because I haven't forgotten you that I miss you; and it's because I miss you that I don't forget you. I try not to make promises that I might break, so I'd better try pretty darn hard when I say that I won't forget you. I do need you to know that you're pretty deeply missed, but I also need you to know that our friendship is strong enough. It's strong enough, covenantal enough, that it will remain. It will stay. And I need you to know that where you are is right where He needs you to be. And to let my selfishness, our selfishness, infringe in His Will is something we'll never allow ourselves to do. So take root there, and keep growing. So when we meet again our heartfelt, selfish desires might be met in His time, on His conditions, in a manner that will be miles and mountains more satisfying and enriching than in our own. So though this request is selfish, please keep growing where you are.

(also, this may be the most serious thing, ever, that I have ever written to you :p incredible contrast to the shoe poem of old)



(oh yes, and to you, casual reader, it probably isn't you)

(scrounged up every random thing I scribbled on paper or on twitter over the past week and shall now blog expanded versions of it)

1. (this thought came during bro kahfei's sermon last sunday on parables)
We are like a lamp on a stand. And they say lamps need oil for burning. In the case of our walk, the oil of the lamp is faith. And when oil comes into contact with heat, can it decide not to combust? Can it decide to remain indifferent? In the same way, when new faith comes into contact with God, that catching of fire is an unconscious effect.

2. I love the opening verses of 1 Corinthians 13. Before one of the most oft-quoted verses on what love is (love is patient, love is kind...). They speak about why love is so important. "If I speak in the languages of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. " The verse basically speaks about the difference between acting with love and acting without love. And there's alot of truth in that. You can see it in the story of Job. Take some time to really, really analyse what they say, and you'll realise that Job's friends spoke more like labeling diagnoses on a sick patient then discussing the life of a friend. And that's what makes the difference between something that is merely 'going through the motions' and something that really touches hearts. Love. Love makes the difference.

3. The very face that the word 'gospel' stems from old english gōd spell, meaning 'good news', is a pretty important thing. Because the nature of news is to be told. No publishing company makes newspapers to be buried underground, or to be never read. The nature of 'news' is to be known, to be made known. That's why CNN and BBC has their own twitter feeds. Why newspapers appear at my doorstep every morning. And why there's always time on tv dedicated to telling people the news. Because the nature of news is to be known. I don't think you necessarily need a missions call to go and share with people about God. I don't even think you need to be specifically told in a vision or a dream that you should. You are a Christian, therefore, you are qualified enough, you are called to.

4. Look at Moses' burning bush encounter and you will realise this: you need to throw down your staff before it can become a snake; you need to throw down what you have in front of God before He can make a miracle out of your life.

5. MIT makes you tired. But you only feel the effects when it's over, when the training is done and you're on your way home, that's when it sets in. When it's 8 in the morning and you've caught 4 hours of sleep, that's when it sets in. But not all the time. Some mornings, you walk out of the house to beautiful azure blue skies and a light breeze blowing, rocking music in your ears, and it feels like God got creation to say 'hellooooo', just to brighten the morning :)

6. Any place of battle can be a place of miracle, can be a place of great victory, can be a place of great testimony.

7. I like the way C. S. Lewis talks about morality and ethics. He mentions that morality can be thought about in three sections. "Firstly, with fair play and harmony between individuals. Secondly, with what might be called tidying up or harmonizing the things inside each individual. Thirdly, with the general purpose of human life as a whole." His analogy is really good, he likens the human race to a band. Of course, each individual instrument must be in tune, and each instrument must know when to start playing and when to play what. And of course, the whole performance would not be a success if they were hired to play a dance number and ended up playing Battle Hymn Of The Republic. Or if it were a fleet of ships, it is important that each ship be kept well tuned. Of equal importance is that each ship knows to keep in formation. The fleet would get disrupted if ships were getting in each others way and colliding all the time. In fact, they are equally important because lacking one often causes lacking in the other. If each ship is internally malfunctioning, sooner or later it will break formation with the other ships. And if one ship is already out of formation and colliding with the others, it will soon be damaged and in need of being repaired. And, of course, there's no point if the destination of the fleet is new york yet it ends up in Calcutta.

C. S. Lewis FTW anyone?

8. Spiritual attacks suuuuck. Suck tremendously. Terribly. Horribly. Mosted definitely. Some days it really seems like every faucet of life is an aspect the enemy's trying to get at me at. But God is stronger. And that's a fact.

9. I like the way P. Dom deconstructed 2 Corinthians 10:3-6. That thoughts become arguments become pretension become strongholds. Thoughts are... passing ideas. Passing blocks of ideas that go through one's mind. But if we aren't careful, those thoughts can become arguments. Arguments that are a collection of thoughts, that are ordered and have some sense of structure, and that creates statements of a proposed fact. And then arguments form Pretension, which creates self-fulfilling proposed statements. That sort of rose-tinted-lenses that cause everything to be seen in a certain light. And those Pretensions finally lead to Strongholds. The thoughts are the bricks that build strongholds.

Oh yes, I thought and wrote all this during the SP empowerment. Was scribbling furiously before the thoughts ran out of my head.

It relates also to my personal theory of the God-Thought-Ratio. The idea of comparing how much one thinks about God, about the (many) things of God, compared to other thoughts. Because beneficial thoughts about God often mean building to the stronghold of who God is in your life. A little complex, but please take this collection of ideas in the correct way. kthx.

10. Gid is inadequate. God is more than enough.

It's a repiphany. An epiphany I've had before, and am having again.

11. cool haiku
I love God alot.
Mostly because He's awesome.
And that He loves me.

heh.

12. I love street e. It's so fun. If I am tired before going into it, I find myself pretty passionate after it. Sharing my heart makes me feel.... onzzz.

13. I do think love is a universal language. Even if we're rusty in the different kinds of love languages, it's a universal language. It spans cultures and countries, it's spoken and heard throughout the world. Yet, it's surprisingly hard for people to speak it to someone they don't know. Why is that? Nobody needs to feel a certain emotion in order to speak english. And some might say it's because the language of love often causes emotion. Well, Chinese causes certain bad emotions in me, but I don't need to be in a particular mood in order to speak it. (oh yes there are flaws in this argument, but it's 2.15 in the morning, let me off the hook)

14. One of the core verses that I live my life by is Proverbs 11:25. It reads "...he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." And I love that. I believe that. I see and feel it every day. The math of the Kingdom of Heaven is funky. It says: 100-100=200. It says that giving is, in itself, receiving. And that's why, as michy pointed out to me the other day, love is a choice. And when people wonder whether or not they love God? They should ask themselves, 'what would I do if I did?', and then go out and do it. Because although one thinks that by doing that, one is subtracting from that love of God to do His work, in fact, that act of subtraction adds to that love. It increases the love for Him. Weird I know, but also very cool. And it's also why I do try to give to others. And share my life, my heart. Because I know in refreshing others, I myself am refreshed.

15. Aside from typing out something epiclong, I am also epictired. Will be away in Thailand from this monday till the next, and I know that when I'm back, I'll have many many testimonies to share :) hope this feeds your curiosities till then.

(oh, and if you're wondering about the number things, yes they are emotionally draining, which is why I do them one at a time, and no, the numbers themselves have no significance. There is no special code in the number.)

Right, night.

In awe of the One who gave it all.

1.
it struck me the other day just how long I've known you. Like really, count it for a moment, think waaay back, it's a good long time (back in the small, small, white-gloved days). But what really struck me was how alot of our friendship is characterized by the silence in the talking. We talk alot. We're talkative people :p but what struck me was how often there's something more in the talking. Sure it's random, sure it's amusing, but there's a kind of philia love that pokes through the chatter. Through the randomness and laughter, there's a friendship there. It's not very loud, in the sense it's not a friendship that's openly publicized, but it's a strong one. And I'm glad you know you're my friend, my close friend, and that I will always strive to be there. To be there for the silences, when words aren't important. I'm glad you're my friend.

(and yes, this was what I meant when I said look out for number 1)

1. am so so so so so very glad that the Ignyte's Got Talent drawing went off without a hitch (and that Jesus was looking straight). If I may say so myself, I think Jesus was rocking a pretty awesome 'stache. And now that it's over, I'm no longer 'sworn to secrecy'! CAN I JUST SAY, charcoal is really freaking hard to contain. It gets on everything it touches. Annoying to a fault. Also: I have loads of extra papers in my house containing that one sixth of Jesus' face. Ah well.

2. MIT MIT MIT MIT MIT WHOOOOO. 30th November till the 6th of December. I am honestly so very very excited and happy about it :D I enjoy times where God uses me. My expectations are pretty simple: Be used by God. Have to be uncomfortable. But it's (as always) very very worth it.

3. Doing a flashmob in church would be awesome.

4. I realize I have a tendency to lament on how I spend my time. I blame it on my brain's natural tendency to whittle things down into numbers and figures.

5. Sitting in His presence after service (or as I like to call it, the Lingering) always brings cool revelations. Like why I love His Lingering Presence so. Because those moments are where we really don't have to push or press in. Where it's not that roughness, that hardness of determination, but it's a softness and quietness of His graceful presence. And that is just awesome cool.

6. I think God prefers to work out our issues of pride just between us and Himself. All quiet like. There's a world of difference between humility and humiliation. Humility means not having false pride or overstated pride, whilst humiliation means losing self-respect. And although humiliation can lead to humility, humiliation is not humility, and the road between the two is really quite painful. So unfortunately, sometimes He does have to give us the swift kick to our behinds in view of others. More often than not, it's because that 'self-respect' that we need to lose might be the 'false pride' that's slowly killing us. The main point is: humility is never fun when we're being arrogant.

7. I do struggle with pride sometimes :/ which also means it's something I think alot about. I think I could write alot about pride. But not now.

8. I haaaate the lie that tries to confine God to one area of my life. I think I lived something like my first 12 years of church like that. Which is one of the good things about ignyte: it reminded me that God is God over my whole life, not one segment. God cannot be tamed. Or owned by religion. If you're worshiping God whilst keeping Him in a segment of your life, it's not wholehearted, and it's not everything that He wants. The more we try and tame God to one section, the more we stop worshiping God, and the more we start worshiping this imaginary, tamed object of our imagination. But trust me, that revelation when God begins to take influence in the rest of your life? When He starts to really, really take root in who you are? Best feeling.

9.

"... [this] idea of God "making religion simple": as if "religion" were something God invented, and not His statement to us of certain quite unalterable facts about His own nature.
-C. S. Lewis Mere Christianity

10. Yea, I've been reading that book.

11. I really think it's quite scary when you realize that fact. That God is unalterable, eternal. He deals in absolutes. That's Him. He deals in Eternity. Where things remain the same. Absolute. That's what He should be dealing with. An Eternal being should deal with eternal things. Yet when He begot Jesus, He made Himself fully man as well, meaning He became a creature of time. The One who dealt with absolutes dealt with the flimsy, the fickle. And the Eternal God is willing to work with something so prone to change as human choice, or free will, or, most bafflingly, grace. Grace is illogical, and that's what makes it so very beautiful.

12. I love the loud moments I spend with friends. And I love the quiet moments I spend with God. I am very very very glad that He has taught me how to enjoy being alone with Him. I do think that is the point of the occasional loneliness; after venting out all our frustrations over not being able to be with others, we suddenly realize that His company is actually pretty awesome. Then we start dwelling in it more, and that foundation of love for Him (built upon the even stabler foundation of His love for us) is where the rest of our ministry can be built upon.

13. So long as one regards love as emotion, then it becomes something temporal. Subject to change, to moods, to times, to seasons. Passing fancies for, say, a particular dance craze or a song change often enough that entire industries are built on that. And if love is a feeling, then you can fall into it, and fall out of it. But if one regards love as a choice, then it becomes something more than emotion. It becomes something stepped outside emotion. And if that choice is reinforced with determination, it becomes something eternal. Once one applies determination to an emotion, it becomes a choice, for it is a conscious decision to apply that determination. Choices, on the other hand, can be made into something more persevering, something stronger, more durable, when we strengthen it with our determination. And that's how I understand love. As a choice.

14. Consequently, I do believe that infatuation is to love what anger is to hatred. It's the difference between an emotion and a choice. Being angry with someone can pass in time. But once one applies that determination to sustain that anger, that is the point that it begins to turn into hatred. And in the same way that the strength of that hatred is dependent on one's determination to be angry, the strength of love is dependent on how determined you are to sustain it.

15. I really really really want to sleep. I need my sabbath, my rest day. 5 in a row in church, it can get a little tiring. And after this Day of Rest, comes another 6 in a row. But it's my choice, my decision, my expression of love. All for Jesus luhh.



ALSO, I know most of the people that read this blog probably don't have the kinda cash to throw around, but if you've got some, please donate to Stuff Christians Like, they're trying to raise funds to build a kindergarten in Vietnam. We have the benefit of a good education system, please help the people there. If you're worried about it being a scam, well, I've checked it out and everything looks in order, so it's got my personal guarantee that the money will go where is should. Please donate if you can.

1. On the topic on the power of the tongue: If God made the Heavens and the Earth and basically everything with mere words, and if we are made in God's image, then surely our words have the power to create too. Maybe not physical objects, but the power of the tongue can be used to create friendships, trust, faith or courage.

2. Can you imagine the kind of grace God gives us? If His words have the power to change all creation with the merest whispers, why are we exempt? If He tells rocks to burst out in song, they will. If He tells the sky to turn green and the clouds pink, they will, the moment it leaves His mouth. But He gives us the power to choose. He makes us an exception to His ultimate, unlimited rule. He gives us the power of choice, to choose between whether or not we want to obey what He says. Even more, He the power of free will means there are times where He speaks and we're too busy to listen. Get that? We can choose not to listen. The voice that all the universe finds irresistible, that they simply have to obey, we're given the grace to ignore. Think about that the next time He speaks.

3. Oftentimes the kind of issues we face can be grouped into two categories: the internal and the external. But within the internal, the self-contained, the ways in which it gets resolved can be further grouped into two ways. Sometimes, the issue is resolved first in your heart, then the change is shown through action. Sometimes, it's the other way around, and the very action in itself shows the way in which the heart has been changed. It's two different things. The first is a scenario where the change in action is involuntary, due to the change in heart. The second is a scenario where the change in heart is done in that course of action, in that change in actions. Of course, that's just my theory on things. Maybe in truth both are the same, where the change in action is the final phase of the change in heart (which actually corresponds with both possibilities)

4. I'm reminded that God loves to have me in His presence. Today, after altar call, I got to do my very favorite thing in service: just sit there in His presence. I'm serious, so very often I just want to sit down during altar call because standing feels too... formal? Sure, sometimes I'm meeting God my King and I find myself on my knees; sometimes I'm meeting God my Lord in that posture of worship; but sometimes I'm just discussing my life with God my best friend. And just sitting in His presence... it feels right that way. Today it was just God ministering not with words, but just with His presence. Just being so happy with God my Father. And when I said 'God, I have to go, I need to eat with my cell', I felt a pang of sadness. Truthfully, I don't know how much of that sadness came from me, and how much of that was His sadness that I had to leave. But I did know He was sad. I hate having to leave His presence :/ really really really. It sucks so bad. I felt the change the moment I stepped out of the chapel and it was like... sigh.. ah well.

5. can't wait for CAAAAMP. The main reason why I advise people to go for camp is because that is where you understand so much of the Ignyte culture. You'll understand what we do. Even better, you understand why we do what we do. Not to mention the life-changing experiences with God. Not kidding, life change. I remember PDa mentioning at SP empowerment that one of the amazing things about ignyte camp is how much of the publicity is driven by the members themselves. You just need to say 'youth camp' and people will start whoo-ing. Go if you can!

6. weekend in church is awesome. God is awesome.

(I've made a deal with myself to stop limiting what I put here. If it stays in my mind long enough, or, conversely, if it feels like the sort of thought that will fly away again if I don't pin it down, I shall blog it up)

The very essence of a God-filled life is to be seen and felt and infectious in it's very nature. When it fills you to overflowing it can't be helped. It gets out. And people notice (whether they like it or not). It's not something you control. It's a light. A city upon a hill. And within that God-filled-ness means coping when times are tough.

To be honest, I love being discontented. A good kind of discontented, where you're glad with what God has given you, but you want more. It makes you yearn more. Be more desperate. So I find it weird sometimes when people say that their bleakness and loneliness or their stuff is getting in the way of God. Okay, it's true, half the time it's stuff that you can't change or can't change simply in that moment. But there are times where all you need in that situation is that little bit of God.

You see, bleakness and desperation? Best time to go to God. Take that whole load of issues you're struggling with, place it at the altars, say 'this is too much for me God, You help me fix it', then you stay as He helps you through. It's the best time. I'm not kidding, it's the best time. Take that to God, and prepare for miracles.

SIMPLIFIED FORMULA:

BLEAKNESS + TROUBLES + PROBLEMS + MOUNTAINS + STRUGGLES + EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS WRONG = PAIN + SUCKINESS

BLEAKNESS + TROUBLES + PROBLEMS + MOUNTAINS + STRUGGLES + EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS WRONG + GOD = MIRACLES + JOY



ME < ENOUGH

GOD > ENOUGH



(am math nerd)



Spending the whole day in church is actually loads of fun :D

(taking a page out of miss pillowclutcher)
a list of things that make me happy

Small things like chocolate. And seaweed that doesn't flake everywhere. When my internet decides not to die halfway through msn conversations. God. Not having to sleep because my next day is free. Getting loads of sleep when my body crashes on me. Not being bugged by my parents to go sleep (even if it IS 5 in the morning). God. Being with the people in my life that make me smile. Late night conversations in half-conscious states. Having free incoming calls. God. The innumerable fun/crazy/generally retarded things 4.11 does. Watching the sunrise after a long night. Being there for people when they need me. God. When people get touched by God after I act in obedience. When this blog stirs someone to thought and grow just a little in their walk. Ice cream. God. The smell of rain. The still of the night. Warm showers in the morning after sleeping in a cold room. God. Ignyte ministry. Being on stage serving. That moment where I capture a stray thought. God. Reading a book I've read before and seeing things from a different perspective. Playing MAO. Finally completing that elusive achievement in any game. God. When God ambushes me with His Love or His Grace or just His amazing presence when I least expect it. Being able to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. Having my past left in the past. God. When the first lines of a poem enter my head. Eating Lavender food court wanton noodles. Watching whose line is it anyway. God. Making a whole string of really bad jokes. Doing Sudoku. Brain puzzles that are solved with a flash of brilliance. God. Reading. The experience of meeting new people that are nice. Knowing someone means it when they acknowledge your friendship. God. Sharing. Laughing. Living. God.

A short post today
I'm very tired
poking my brain to squeeze out the funny

I love this song
and I think it befits communion weekend :)

Saviour - Hillsong



A Saviour on a hill dying for my shame
Could this be true?
Defies the world I see
Yet this is all my heart was longing for
To know You my Lord
To know You Lord

You deserve
You deserve
You deserve all the praise

The heavens wept for You
The earth cried out "Could He be the One?"
For You so loved the world
You gave Your only Son to say
I love you so
Oh how I love You so

Hallelujah to the King
Hallelujah we will sing forever

And all humanity
Aches to find this beautiful love You give
We come to You again
To offer up our lives
To worship You alone
To worship You alone



will come back with a better, longer post

Bitter-Sweet

Ah, my dear angry Lord,
Since thou dost love, yet strike;
Cast down, yet help afford;
Sure I will do the like.

I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sour-sweet days
I will lament and love.

-George Herbert