I'm feeling in a certain way that I'm sure many of you do too. This real and genuine sense of tiredness, due to extenuating circumstances in terms of work, often feeling so tired when spending time with God that it doesn't seem fair to Him. Pushing and pushing and trying to find my way into His courts but I just don't feel it. Wondering where His voice is, having to treasure every word because He just seems so far.

Don't lie friends, service this weekend and I saw it in many eyes.

And today I had a revelation about that. Ready?

God is Sovereign, Loving God.

I know it don't seem like an amazing revelation. It doesn't give answers, nor solutions, no step-by-step guide for dealing with it, just pretty much stating something that seems, well, pretty obvious. It's the two most important characteristics of who He is. Loving and Sovereign.

He's not blind friends. He's not deaf either. His heart is never, never numb. It's easy for us to grow numb with all that we go through, but His heart is never numb. Never.

The Sovereign Loving God knows my limits. He knows the limits of my faith, not as I see them, but as they truly are. He knows the limits of my patience as they truly are. He knows my strengths, my weaknesses, how much I can take.

He knows how much silence I can take.

He is silent right now. I secretly suspect that many people out there know exactly what I mean. When I'm crying out to Him, desperate to hear His voice, but there is silence. Just. Silence.

I think it hurts His heart to keep silent. If what I know of Him is true, then I think He dislikes keeping silent when we cry out. When He hears our desperate cries, I think He hates to keep silent. But He knows when to keep silent, when we need that silence to build something in ourselves that will be of far greater worth in Eternity. Because He's the Sovereign, Loving God.

So if you feel as I do, it's important for you to know two things:

1. you're not the only one. As long as this blog remains here (which I think should be a while), there will be this digital record that at very least, I, Gideon Goh, has felt the way that you're feeling. The path you're walking is one that others have before, and it's a path many many others have finished walking too. The silent path doesn't go on forever, it's just a small section of this race.

2. God is still the Loving, Sovereign God. He still holds the world in His hands. He's still as powerful as that time He moved in your life. He's still as loving as that time where you felt that love. He's still as wonderful as that time He put a smile on your face. Your Loving, Sovereign God is the same even if your perception of Him changes.

God is still Sovereign. God is still Loving. God is still your God.

And we're all learning to hold on to that. :)



(the tag thing is still going on btw. I know it might take me a while to respond, but please, add more :D )

ooo! poem!



I.

I wake
I walk
I brush my teeth
I eat, I read
I drink coffee
I wear, I drive
I turn the keys
and all around me
I see
the Empty.

The man standing on the stage
microphone to lips, in the parade
the melody the notes
the harmonising chords
the dance the moves
the golden awards
they adorn the sides of the rooms of the heart
but between the walls, dividing them apart
lie the bottomless void
the aching depths
and if you look
you see
the Empty.

The woman boasts with pouting lips
her suitors abound, yearning for a kiss
the flowers in hand, the corsages on shirts
the smoky eye shadow, the shortening skirts
a fleeting moment where the need is filled
then lonesome moments when bother is killed
and once again the need is there
enhanced by these discrepancies
and if you look
you see
the Empty.

open your eyes to look
to see
most men and women, you will agree,
find inside themselves, to a degree
an aching, tired, hungering
Empty.

I wake I walk
I brush my teeth
and if in this mirror
you look
you see
the .





II.

(There's a secret
that some don't tell
of a man who lived
and knew the Full
He walked the ground
others had trod
but His steps had held
some divine pull.

He spoke about
a different world
where a life meant more
then lonesome voids
Where men didn't think
about the Empty
but in the pouring
to others enjoyed

The men they gaped
at such strange thoughts
the institutions
He undermined
"Heretical man
such blatant untruths"
they called love liar
the Full maligned

He showed the world
just what He meant
when the Full was poured
into Empty
Body broken and
tattered and torn
and the Full was given
to all, given free.



Now the secret is this:
the man who had the Full
poured it out in death
so that we who once were found Empty
could breathe the Full in breath.)



III.

If you like me
sometimes still see
the Empty behind the veil
Call out to Him
who's Full to brim
for He will never fail.







It's in my personal opinion that the ending sucks a little. I need to add more to it. but I'm tired :/ ah well.

Labels: poem

WHOA, second post. I know. But this magnificent idea popped into my head the other day and I thought it would be cool :)

There are two problems, and I perchanced upon an idea to kill two birds with one stone (ooo, perchanced.)

Problem 1: blogging here feels too much like talking to a brick wall :p
Problem 2: I always find it hard to think of things to write about

SOLUTION: how's about this!

I think it would be cool if you (you meaning whoever perchances [PERCHANCES] upon this blog) would leave a tag regarding any topic that's been on your mind, any topic that you think I could/would blog about :)

We'll see how it goes :) but I like the idea.

SO, any takers?

I get more and more tired :( upon certain reflection earlier this week, I suddenly realise that with each passing year there seem to be more and more work for me to do :p because with each year I find myself thinking 'I'm busier than I've ever been', and each time it still holds true. I think I'm being stretched? But I enjoy it :) days like these when TrailBlazers (my most awesome cell, SHOUTOUT YO) remind me that we're all in this together :) makes me happy. It's worth it, it's always worth it :)

BUT THAT'S BESIDES THAT POINT. I always forget what I get here to do :p

YES, the point I wanted to talk about today :)

I guess one of the burdens on my heart is always about my friends :) it's a part of who I am I guess? A good friend of mine mentioned in the last month about how God's given me a big heart, and I think that's very true :) because there are nights where I feel so consumed with His love I wonder how my heart manages to fit inside me. It's this sort of outward pushing, like there's something inside that wants to get out. that's what His love feels like to me.

And my friends are a part of that :) and so there are loads of times where I hear my friends asking me if they're bothering me when they need to talk about their worries or their problems. The obvious answer is, well, obvious. Of course. But it's a kind of bother I enjoy :)

Working to do cell plans as an SP, it's important, sure. Having my time to play Final Fantasy Dissidia on the PSP is a good break, fine. But this much I have learnt: that lives are more than worth it. Spending time to check up on friends and making sure they're coping, that's worth it. Taking that extra fifteen minutes during Time Alone to pray for my friends, that's worth it. Talking to somebody when they need a listening ear, that's worth it. Friendship is worth it. It is.

I remember a night a few weeks back. It was after dinner, and I was going about my usual post-school routine, kicking back for a few hours surfing the net and chatting with friends. Your typical orange glow suddenly flashed in at the bottom of the screen, one of my close friends was in an urgent situation; my friend needed help.

I wonder what people think happens in these sort of situations. Does a voice from Heaven suddenly speak 'Gideon, go talk to your friend now'? Is there some kind of clear telling to go be a friend?

But no, this wasn't one of those times where God says that there's an added element to it. This was one of those times where there's choice (I hope people get what I mean). There are conversations God specifically tells me to start, sort of an internal knowing that this person needs to hear something. And there are conversations where there isn't that clear distinction or demarkation to go talk to the person.

The strange thing is that this incident was a third category. Instead of telling me to go for it, or remaining silent, God asked me if I could take it. On top of needing my rest that night, needing to finish up some emails online, He asked if I could cope with it.

I knew the answer. There was no internal deliberation, no 'hmmm, but then...', no contradicting voices. Just a 'yeah, I think my friend needs this'. And with that I typed out that 'you can call if you need'.

Because when I thought about it, and I thought about the times when God specifically asked me to talk to friends and the times where He didn't, 99% of the time, that distinction didn't make much of a difference.



mmm, that's it for the night

NO EMBARRASSING PHOTO :p

I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing blogging right now

But tonight, He reminded me of Love.

It's funny the way that His Love turns aside pride. It doesn't need to shout out against pride, or directly attack pride. But when His Love comes in, pride makes it's exit. His Love is humbling that way, a gentle way.

It's like this hurricane, this violent, violent storm of Love. And we're holding on to trees, holding on to signposts rooted in the ground, shouting out into the storm "no wait! hold on! I'm not ready! I'm still so sinful! I'm still not right yet! I'm imperfect, I'm flawed, I'm not enough! I'm not ready for you to see me!"

But it's too great. This wind, this force of grace says "well frankly my dear, I don't care." This love is too great for you to care about your insecurities, about your inadequacies, about your worries and fears and doubts, about you not being enough. The weight of His mercy is too much for us to keep grasping at our 'what if's and 'but wait's.

And as the rain of Love pelts our faces and the sheer pulling of grace causes us to lose our hold on the things we've bound ourselves to, we feel like we're losing control, like we're surrendering.

And it's a terrifying moment. Suddenly we're vulnerable, out in the open, being caught up in something that is so much greater and stronger than anything we've ever come into contact with. And it's terrifying.

But all of a sudden, we realise that this hurricane of Love enfolds us. And we're floating in it, the powerful wind blowing off the chains around us, the Love bombards us, washing off the marks and scars of sin. And for once, we're so vulnerable yet so held; so high above the ground yet so safely floating. And although we feel more open than we've ever felt in our lives, we feel more complete than we've ever been.

The hurricane doesn't slow, but it drops us slowly back onto the ground, back in the direction, the path that we're supposed to take.